Early,

This review is presented by Jay Stevens from Dream Team reviewers.
Although decidedly an amateur fiction writer, I do have an undergraduate degree in English and extensive experience in writing.
My review is intended to help you because I care about writing and find that by producing reviews, I make myself a better writing.
The only pieces that I review are ones that have caught my attention in some way. In other words, I thought your piece was good from the start.
Please take my comments or leave them. This is your creative work and what I think about it only matters if you think my comments are valuable to you. I hope they are.

In the immortal words of Dorothy Boyd (from Jerry Maguire), "You had me at 'Do Not Go Gently.'" Ok, I am paraphrasing but when you start with Dylan Thomas, you immediately have my attention. The unfortunate thing is that once you start that way, you must follow through. Fortunately Early, I believe that you have delivered.

You started right in with a strong opening sentence that both characterizes and pulls the reader in.
Lumen, great name and I feel her tension right from the first words. I would, however, suggest the you comb through and get rid of all, or most of the uses of the word "were." For instance, in the second sentence, "Her fingers were curled" I think that without the were, the sentence is stronger.

Your sentence length was pleasingly varied and helped to enhance the pace and flow of the story.

As for pacing, I found your characterization of the Dying One to be so clear and chilling. However, I would have taken some of the descriptions and spread them throughout the dialog that follows. Let Lumen observe them bit by bit, build them up. Let us see his mannerisms.

Overall, I found your characters to be so real and the imagery extremely vivid. The story left me wanting more.

Write On! Dream of compelling people, places and stories.
Keep giving the world the benefit of your creativity!
I look forward to reading more of your work.

My best,

Jay

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"A story has to be a good date, because the reader can stop at any time....Remember, readers are selfish and have no compulsion to be decent about anything." Kurtz Vonnegut as quoted by Janet Burroway

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"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business." Tom Robbins

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