Hi Early,

Overall Impression:
This was really well written. The description used throughout was very vivid. I really got a sense of the world Gemma was in. When I first started reading the story, I saw Gemma as just an ordinary girl with a love for horror stories. Seeing her character unfold, and watching her interact with the library monster was entertaining. What was also well done, was the brief history written into this story. In just a few sentences, the monster was given a detailed history that implied he'd been doing the same thing to other potential horror writers for a very long time.

Favorite Line(s):
“Can I help you?” a voice purred right behind her ear.

She jumped and then laughed apologetically.

“I’m just looking,” she said with a shrug. Then she scrutinized the person standing in front of her, and the tiny hairs on her neck leapt up.

These were my favorite lines, but for a much different reason then your intention might have been. I'm reminded of any instance where someone is shopping and asked that very same question. The response, "I'm just looking", always seems to follow a point where the customer just touched the item and claims all they are doing is looking.

Style and Voice:
I like the concept of the spooky library. Gemma goes into the library looking for a horror story, only to find herself within one.

Areas of Improvement:
Beyond the grammar and mechanics below, the only other area in need of improvement, is a line referring to Stephen King at the end, which I will also spoken about towards the end of the review.

Grammar and Mechanics:
In addition to the corrections I list below, I didn't list ellipses. Instead i'll list the rule here once, to be applied to all instances of its use. Ellipses are treated grammatically as a three letter word. This means it is always three words, no more, no less, and there should always be a space between it on both sides from any other words. "X ... X"

Paragraph 3: Stupid
But she didn’t like to be scared so much when it was real, and she couldn’t quite tell what this was.
Nothing wrong with this line per say; it just sounds off to me. Is there a better way to phrase it?

Paragraph 3: She Slid
One of them even had a pool of red[ ]liquid congealing at its base and dripping from its fangs.
The comma here creates an awkward pause; I suggest omitting it.

Paragraph 4: The shelves
The shelves went up to the ceiling, disappearing into the darkness of the rafters[,] and [were] carved all over with little creatures.
This is an example of what is referred as parenthetical elements. Since the middle part of the sentence can be removed without changing the essential meaning of the sentence, the second comma is necessary to bracket the added details in between. Also needed is the missing word "were", otherwise this potentially reads as if the shelves were doing carvings, as opposed to having carvings on them.

Paragraph 5: Gemma
Maybe they'd toss a few plastic spiders around[,] and the girls would trip over themselves, pretending to scream. It had been the same for all three years of college before this[,] and it would be the same afterwards.
A comma is needed with a conjunction to connect two independent clauses. Without the conjunction, the first sentence can be read as two sentences, and that is why a comma is needed. The same rule applies to the second sentence.

Truthfully[ ]Megan was getting on Gemma's nerves with all this fussing, and graduation was still an entire semester away.
Self-explanatory.

Paragraph 8: I'm just
He was about six and a half feet tall with tangled[ ]dark hair and a hungry build.
The comma here creates an awkward pause; I suggest omitting it.

Paragraph 18: Oh, well
“Oh, well, I’ll just be leaving then. Sorry,” she said, panted, and waited for him to move.
A minor change, but that one extra word makes the entire line feel a bit jerky; whereas without it, this becomes a much smoother read.

Paragraph 25: Tell me
“Tell me[ ]Gemma, is this the good kind of scary?” he asked, looking amused again.
While there is nothing wrong here grammatically, the comma isn't necessary, and slows down the paces. I suggest omitting it in this instance.

Paragraph 32: Not
“Not [yet],” he ground out, grabbing her arm with his long fingers, “[not] until you tell me what story you want.
"Not, until" would come across oddly if the description of speech weren't there, so the extra words are needed.

[H]is breathing was [uneven] now.
There's a typo here. Looks like uneven was inadvertently written as uneaven.

Paragraph 33: Gemma thought
Gemma thought back to her computer, which right now had the beginning of her latest horror story attempt pulled up on the screen.
Unnecessary words.

Paragraph 35: Don't be
Ask me for [a] story that no one has ever asked for before, and you can go.

Paragraph 36: He dragged
Gemma slammed her fist to her mouth.
I would suggest using jammed or shoved, as slammed conjures the image of Gemma punching herself in the face.

Paragraph 38: I like
“I like psychotic stories,” he offered.
There is nothing wrong with this line, but because there is mention of a psychotic break in the previous lines, it would make more sense to the reader is this: "he offered uncannily, as if he was reading her thoughts." Not necessarily that phrasing, but something along those lines.

Concluding paragraph
While I thought the ending paragraph was for the most part a suitable ending, I think sending Stephen King into retirement was a bit over the top. Saying Stephen King named Gemma Blackstone as his protege is reasonable, but saying he stopped writing and went into retirement takes away the realism of the story. Even fantasy stories have to follow certain rules. King, who is arguably the greatest horror writer ever, giving up his crown for Gemma, comes across a bit egotistical, even if it's not meant to be so.

Final Thoughts:
I think your descriptive abilities are your strongest area in writing. Overall, I thought this was a pretty good story. It just needs some tweaking grammatically, and a bit more humility in the concluding paragraph. I hope you found this useful. If you have any questions, reply to this review.

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
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