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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4237190
Review #4237190
Viewing a review of:
 A Fall Afternoon  [E]
A brief description of an afternoon spent in nature
by River
Review of A Fall Afternoon  
Review by Cadie Laine
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
This was a very descriptive story. I enjoy begin outside too so this story hit home a lot. Just being out in nature is peaceful.
The flow of the overall story was really good. I have a few questions and found some minor things that you might look at correcting but it's ultimately up to you whether you do or not.
How was the buggy moving? You spoke of cars and strollers but you do not describe what you are personally riding in. You spoke of a buggy and I thought of something pulled like horse and cart.
The changes that I recommend are simple spaces that need to be added and deleted maybe a few commas added and moved.
First line take a space between 'skies' and 'so'
'downtown bar' (add space) 'folks'
'Main Street' (add comma) 'other'
'tranquil space' (add comma) 'I'
'dazzling' (delete space) 'white'
'trying to' (delete space) 'separate'
'town' (comma) 'yet' (no comma)
As I wrote before these are just recommendations. This was easy to read and in thinking through the piece, almost seemed you were just trying to escape from the busyness of the people. Sometimes we need to escape from the mundane things of our lives. Good piece. Keep writing.
House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4237190