Greetings amy-Has a great future ahead

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !


In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red


OVERALL IMPRESSION
A story about two friends trying to do something for a science project, and the curiosity of Ben gets them both into trouble. Ben is a daydreamer, who seems to tune out when she shouldn't, but cannot stop her mind from wandering. She is impulsive. I would change this to a story for teens, when I think children's, that would be under age 8. This would be too complex for small children. It's interesting having humans and aliens intermingling like it wasn't a big deal.

What I Liked Best:
Your main character is interesting. Her curious nature and ability to completely tune out to what is going on around her causes trouble for her, which makes her someone that could have some exciting adventures.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence:
Your main character is introduced right away.

Opening Paragraph:
It describes Ben in gym class, not paying attention and hurting another student. I think Ben's assumption of how the boy was hurt worked against the scene itself.

Plot:
The plot is Ben trying get a leaf of a Mintock so she can mix it with Bamboo.

Character Development:
Ben has a goal, that worked. You introduced her best friend, she interacted with classmates and a couple teachers, her parents as well.

Dialog:
The dialogue between the friends and teacher worked. See below for issues.

Spelling & Punctuation:
You need to go through this and fix a lot of your quotes. The quote begins at the front of the speaking part-no space, and ends immediately after the punctuation you choose. A space goes between the quote and the next word

“You hate science,” she informed Ben.<--correct

“Well, yeah, but I do have really great idea for a project,”Ben’s <--incorrect

Don’t’s

Ben often wondered of if it was dyed.

“I’ll tell you after,” was all Ben would say.this should end in a period because the rest isn't a dialogue tag. "I'll tell you after." Was all Ben would say.

Grammar:
Off the side of the board and across the room.fragment

“Well, yeah, but I do have a really great idea for a project,


Continuity:
The story had a order to it as the Ben tried several routes to get her hands on the leaf.

Form:

Clarity:
I could follow the story easy enough.

Hook:
The hook is Ben doing her best to get her hands on one leaf of the Mintock.

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
While I understand the prompt, the story was missing emotions from your main character. Why couldn't she let it go? Why does she think she can do anything she wants, never get caught, no one will see? Where does sense of self come from? There were a lot of characters in this chapter. Adding her best friends point of view sporadically didn't work. It took away from it being Ben's story. If you are going to switch POVs, then make them longer sections so the reader gets to know them. The story is mostly told. Add descriptions and emotions together so the reader can really get into the main characters heads and identify with them.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:


Rhythm & Meter:
It moved along well enough, but needs more emotion and description of things happening around the girls. You describe people and places, but not reactions, smells, sounds, etc.


CLOSING STATEMENT
I would make this a teen story because that is your target audience. The main character of Ben is good because she has a tendency to rush into things and get herself into trouble. The trick will be how she gets out of certain situations. Her curiosity and being self assured is what leads her on the path to work on the science project. Those traits help to make her a good character to root for.

Purple Princess

STATIC

Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis  (E) Looking for solid NOVEL feedback from other novelists? The NW is BACK & better than ever! #2088228 by Carol St.Ann

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .