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Review #4257036
Viewing a review of:
The Lorelei Chronicles (First Chapter)  [13+]
Sample chapter: Professional wizard Michael Reeve banishes a demon, goes for a drink
by BD Mitchell
Review by Lisa Angelo
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings BD Mitchell

I am reviewing "The Lorelei Chronicles (First Chapter)"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH 66 (If I counted right.) !

OVERALL IMPRESSION
This was great! I loved the humor that you threaded throughout the chapter. It was well done, not over done. I found myself liking Michael quite a lot. He's a likeable character which is half the battle.

What I Liked Best:
Your expert use of humor, specifically I loved the fight in the bar between Harry and Michael and how it ended in laughter. I could practically picture that moment, the silence after the artfully slung insults, before they dissolved into fits of laughter! Wonderful.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence and paragraph:
So I like the opening sentence...until I got to "What the hell!" I wrenched the broken wood from my rib cage and inspected the damage. "This is genuine leather! Have you no respect?"
I can't help but feel that your story would be better started here, where the action begins. Yes there are a few humorous bits in the previous paragraphs, and a lot of great character building/world building information in those--but I would suggest working them in after the action. You've got a killer shock and awe moment that would grab the reader by the ears and pull them deep into your world, I would suggest using it. As I said, I liked your current opening but feel like your story doesn't really start until the sentence I copied here.

Plot:
Michael is, for lack of a better term, a wizard. Seems like he's a hunter or law man for the magical world and hunts down things that go bump in the night. He kills a bone woman--a sexual predator. We learn then that wizards are immortal, as he'd have died from the broom through is chest otherwise. Then, with the threat gone, he goes to a bar to grab a drink and chat with his buddy a satyr. While there he feels something for a fleeting moment, a sure fire hook to keep the reader wondering and reading on.

Character Development:
I have an instant like for Michael. He's funny. He's a good guy, modest too *Laugh*! I really enjoyed the rapport he has with Harry at the bar, their obvious friendship. For a first chapter this is all good. You've really only given us a brief look, barely scratched the surface and at the moment Michael is fairly superficial but it is the first chapter and you have enough here to propel me to what to know more about him and his world.

Dialog:
Fantastic! Not everyone can do humor, especially the subtle sarcastic kind that I picked up throughout.

Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar: Nothing stood out.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/
http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

Continuity:
Again, I think your story should start later than it does. The monologue in the beginning, though funny, isn't where the action starts--which is arguably where your story should.

Form:
Nothing stood out.

Clarity:
I followed easily. I have a lot of questions but they're the good kind--the ones that are going to make me want to read on, not leave me frustrated. Great, and difficult to achieve, balance!

Hook:
Magic, humor, a threat that's unseen and unknown, friends... You've got hooks...right in me, making me want to read more!

CREATIVITY and PRESENTATION

Structure:
The first section, before the sentence I mentioned, is secondary to the action. Right now the action is in the backseat. It needs to be driving your story. I'd be curious to see what your chapter would look like with this change. Obviously, this is JUST MY OPINION, and by all means ignore me if it doesn't work for you. I can't stress enough HOW MUCH I LIKED THIS CHAPTER, so you're obviously doing something right. And you know your story better than anyone.

Figurative Language & Vocabulary:
Nothing stood out.

Rhythm & Meter:
Nothing stood out, no complaints.


CLOSING STATEMENT
I LOVED THIS! I am a sucker for magic and humor and you've combined them fantastically. Plus you've given me a likeable MC. I would totally and completely read on. In fact, give me past the 18th, when this contest is done and I've got all my review in and shoot me an email and I'll do a complete, detailed line by line review on this and any other chapters in this--I like this THAT MUCH.

Great work!



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