*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4257876
Review #4257876
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
Review by Starling
Rated: | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings {huser:amy-Very Very Busy}

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH ## !
Title and Author:

In the interest of clarity, I will be using the following conventions in my review:
Your Words: Bold Black{}
My Impressions as I read: Bold Green
Editing Suggestions:Bold Red

Plot::
Bennett Kiley, a high school student has a great idea for a science project for the upcoming Science Fair. She wants to show how to grow wood faster. She enlists the help of her two friends Steven Jay and Maytaya Finch. They discuss the possibilities at lunch.

Hook:
Small hook at in first paragraph. Enough of a one to want us to find out why hitting someone in the head with a ball is important to the story.

Opening Sentence and Paragraph:
You introduced your main character, which is a plus. We also know a little about her. Starting a story with action helps to pull the reader in. Well done.

Characters Development:

Bennett Kiley - main character (unusual first name for a girl)
Steven Jay
Maytaya Finch.
Miss Stokes - teacher


Dialogue:
I had no problem telling who was talking by the words you used.

Punctuation and Structure:
You are having a little problem with your spacing in the dialogue. A quoted sentence begins with quotes, then words, then closing punctuation such as a comma, period, question mark ect., then closing quotes, then a space, then an explanation of who said what. Example: "I am going over there," Charlie said. OR "Can we meet later?" Ken asked.

Now the "who said what could be at the beginning of the sentance also. This would mean telling who said, then punctuation, followed by a space, then quote marks, then what was said, then ending punctuation, then closing quote marks. Example: Charlie said, "I am going over there." OR Ken asked, "Can we meet later?"

I have included some but not all of your errors below.

“Ben,”Miss (need a space between quote marks and 'Miss') Stokes called,” Ben Kiley, get over here at once.”

Get (need space between comma and quote marks and then no space between quote marks and 'Get' so it throws the quote marks to the actual quote.) back over to your place and start being more careful.”

... for a project,”Ben’s (space needed between quote marks and 'Ben') voice nearly squealed with excitement.

Also:
Off the side of the board and across the room. This is not a complete sentence.

Mataya were there,” I’m fine. Don’t’s (remove 's) worry about it. Listen, I found some stuff from the newspaper from fifty years ago about golf.”

Closing Statement
I like the solid premise of this story. You have left yourself with a lot of space to tell why doing this project is going to build to an end result.

I have only reviewed your first chapter up to this point, because the rest is a minimum of one more chapter. I have given my reason for this below.


... They ate mostly in silence and Mataya counted all the things that could go wrong.

END OF CHAPTER

The humans had first met the Dotchma when they had developed their Folder Drive that made space travel much faster. Scientists and people like that all flocked to space to do exploring and things like that. ...

I am seeing more than one chapter written. Please see the below information on how I determined this.
( http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-goal/complete-first-dra... )

BREAK CHAPTERS WHEN YOUR STORY REQUIRES A SHIFT.
Changes of place, changes of time and changes of point of view are all excellent places for chapter breaks. Sometimes, our stories necessitate them. For example:

END OF ONE CHAPTER:
He wiped the sweat from his forehead, took one last squinting look up at the flat, brassy African sky and straightened his limp, damp jacket as well as he could. “We’re done here,” he told Howard. “Let’s get to the airport.”BEGINNING OF

NEXT CHAPTER:

Maine. Cool, misty, green. A pewter-colored sky …

A chapter break like this underscores the fact that there’s been a significant change of some kind—of place, of perspective, of point of view, of plot direction. It jogs your reader’s mind, telling him that it’s time for a reorientation, a retaking of his bearings.

I enjoyed reading the beginning to your upcoming story. Thank you for posting.


Starling

STATIC
Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis  (E)
Looking for solid NOVEL feedback from other novelists? The NW is BACK & better than ever!
#2088228 by Carol St.Ann


   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4257876