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Review #4258410
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Review by Lisa Angelo
In affiliation with Cross Timbers Groups  
Rated: | (4.0)
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A CHAPTER ONE REVIEW
Sponsored by the NEW Novel Workshop
The opinions contained in this review are subjective, with intent to be honest and helpful.
Please take that which you find useful, and toss the rest with good cheer.


Greetings ~ Santa Sisco ~

I am reviewing "Invalid Item"  today as part of the "The Chapter One Competition." .
THANK YOU FOR INCLUDING OUR MANDATORY PHRASE, "HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN, WDC!" IN PARAGRAPH THIRTEEN!

OVERALL IMPRESSION
You do a great job at projecting a dazed and horrified reporter. I could feel her emotion and that's a fantastic way to get me, or any reader, invested. I did feel like the end wrapped up a little too abruptly though. It felt a little rushed. I also had difficulty believing that a reporter would just hand over tapes without attempting to pump the Agent for information. Maybe that's a difference between the US reporter and the UK reporter?

What I Liked Best:
Fantastic job really capturing the emotion. I could feel the horror when she realized what she was smelling for instance.

WRITING SKILLS AND CRAFT

Opening Sentence & Paragraph:
So your first sentence and paragraph are spoken from a disembodied voice. It takes me out of the action and keeps me detached. I would almost prefer starting with Susan--she's the main POV for the chapter and I feel like she would be a better person to start with. Perhaps she's hearing the first line in her ear piece and she looks into the camera and tries to straighten herself up.

Plot:
Susan and her camera man were at a bank, interviewing a guard about an attempted robbery when there was a massive explosion. She and her camera man survived and report from the scene. It become obvious that it's an act of terrorism because there are multiple explosions at multiple banks. The Prime Minster calls in MI5 to investigate..

Character Development:
I liked Susan and sympathized with her. Is there a reason you do not name the "presenter?" You describe him and he gets his own little section of the chapter so I sort of feel like he should be developed a little more, at least with a name.

I am a little unclear of who will be your main character going forward. Is this Susan or Kilo?

Dialog:
Dialogue was clear and easy to follow. I loved some of the stream of consciousness sort of realizations from Susan, like Jason's fate, added to the emotional authenticity.

Spelling & Punctuation & Grammar:
This is not my strong suit but nothing really stood out to me.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/
http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

Continuity:
Have you tried maybe starting this from the moment Susan's pulled from the rubble, or even at the explosion itself? I feel like either place would really hook a reader. As is your story flows well and kept me engaged but I can't help but feel like you could REALLY draw me in by starting with action instead of reaction to what happened.

Form:
As I mentioned, I feel like the very last section in this chapter needs to be fleshed out a little more. It feels like its gone in a blink and abrupt. I want more (that's a good thing!)

Clarity:
This is clear, but I did have to think to remember who Jason was when she realizes he probably didn't survive. I might remind readers who he is. Maybe something like: She looked directly at the camera. “Jason… Oh my God! He had his back to the bank door; he didn’t stand a chance,” she said, wondering if the poor guard had children who would grow up without a father now, and in that instant, the emotions she'd held back overwhelmed her, forcing her to her knees on the gritty pavement.

Hook:
Yeah, you got your hooks in me! Multiple bank bombings.

CLOSING STATEMENT
I think you really could have something here. It's exciting and has some fantastic human emotion in it. I would like to see you expand on it though. Give me more descriptive, really make this a visceral moment in the beginning and at the end. I'd love to see this start at the explosion, or immediately after.



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