Hi
Gaea ![](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/costumicons/ps-icon-regular-10.gif)
! I'm stopping by your portfolio today to take a look at the first chapter of your book, "Private (Shadows)."
![StarB *StarB*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/starb.png)
Oh wow, you have lots of chapters up! Very exciting! If I get into your story, I'm excited to keep reading! So far in the first chapter, we were introduced to your two main characters, Lisa and Jeremy. Lisa seems like a hardworking, level-headed, strong woman. However, I'm already getting an icky feeling about Jeremy ... he is too suave and too "pretty-boy" for my liking right now, but it is great for his character that you were able to portray that for me right away. I guess I will see where his story goes.
![StarG *StarG*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/starg.png)
Overall, you did intrigue me with this first chapter. You introduced what I believe will be the main plot line of scandal surrounding the Jacobsons. I feel like you are leaving me clues already, with Mrs Jacobson #3 speeding away from the scene and the cat stalking the bulldog ... hmmm, I'm interested!
![StarB *StarB*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/starb.png)
Formatting wise, I think you could make your words easier to read by separating each paragraph by a line space instead of by an indent. I find this is much easier to read on a computer screen, and not to mention easier to upload to WDC because you wont have to add the pesky {indent} codes!
![Laugh *Laugh*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/laugh.png)
If you do add those spaces between paragraphs, you'd need a small page break symbol to signify the time jump. Perhaps
![Bullet *Bullet*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/bullet.png)
or <><><>. You might also think about upping the
font size and making the Chapter title stand out a bit more as well. Perhaps with an
underline or an
even larger font.
![StarG *StarG*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/starg.png)
Finally, I know you are currently working on editing this, so some places where I think you might be able to make some beneficial changes would be in your descriptions. Currently, there is a lot of telling rather than showing. The paragraph that starts with "Jeremy Watt had been her private investigation partner at Shadows for two years" is a good example. Is there a way you can integrate the information about his physical appearance through the story?
Thank you for sharing your writing! I'll try to take a look at chapter two in a bit. Take care,
Emily
![Emily - Galactic Guardian [#2167850]
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You responded to this review 09/07/2018 @ 6:40pm EDT |
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