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Review #4577160
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of Betrayal  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Dear Bluebird ,

I read "Invalid Item"  through twice and I could see potential with what you offer here. If I can make a few suggestions that I think would help you with this poignant, short statement of a free verse-style poem.

There isn't need for punctuation like the ellipses, which is the dot, dot, dot at the end of a line. This is not intended to be used as a pause or break, but the omission of something. I think you intended to pause, which happens naturally when we get to the end of that short line, have a break, as eyes move down to the next line, and pick up where it's left off. I don't know that a dramatic pause would be needed, either. I think it's natural to have no punctuation there at all.

The semi-colon in line two also was unnecessary. In a sentence that again breaks, you start the third line with a preposition which also does not require punctuation before, usually. You are good to roll through from line one to line three without any stops, as line breaks in poems can serve as natural pauses.

Now, because I suggested no punctuation was necessary before that last line, you can get away with no punctuation altogether until the four lines stop at a period. I wasn't always the best with punctuation but have learned a lot since being here. One way to look at the third line is to either put commas before and after it, or none at all. That's what's great. The poet is the master of their own sentence here. I mean, that's what it is. You wrote a sentence and broken into four lines. Each line is separate, because each part needs to be reflected upon -- with how each fragment lends to the statement that is poem.


As to the poem itself, I see a portrayal of a moment. It's quite possibly in aftermath that the narrator is delivering that final line about how something can be deceiving. What is it? We don't know. We don't have to know. It's like sage wisdom about experience. Everything sets up for that final line, which could be stated a bit better and more cleanly in my mind. I'm just the reader.

Here's what I think:

Lose the uppercase letters on lines two through four, or all, if you want to suggest this inability to control that situation. lowercase is supposed to imply feeling small or weak or helpless, per se. Uppercase is just stronger, bolder. I'll throw in something else that's fun to try, so:

my innocence welcomed

everyone with a smile

         without knowing

betrayal (could be, would be, was) in disguise.

To me those are the three choices that would make that last line land a little better. My favorite might be 'would be'. *Smile* The indent on line three acts like a pivotal moment, it acts like someone thrown off by what is about to happen. Just my two cents, if you're interested in using that.

Ultimately, a reader will get a wonderment after reading: what kind of a smile was that? For an actor, they have a direction for every type of smile. In my head, I'm going through several I've witnessed in situations where an innocent is seeing something unfold that is informing that smile to curve or change a certain way. The way you have described here has done that for me, not with an adjective, but with a situation.

Put this all together; with the scene, the retrospect, the innocent lamb about to be betrayed, there is a lot for a person to draw on from such precision and brevity. It's a very worthy effort and one I laud you for. Might want to make just a few edits, offer it up to those who you regard having an understanding of poetry, and hopefully they'll be as pleased as me.

Brian

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