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Review #4695384
Viewing a review of:
 Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.  [13+]
"Writer's Cramp" competition entry, April 16
by Dave Ryan
Review by Siobhan Falen
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Welcome to WDC!!!

What I love about your work: I saw this before on the day it was submitted and it was heartbreaking. The thought of some poor kid learning about himself being humiliated like that just tore at my heart.

Why I could relate to your work: I'm a mom and man, if any teacher put my kid through that kind of torment, they better be prepared for the hell I would rain down. I was furious reading it on behalf of the poor boy and wanted to bite Mr Paterson. Figuratively, of course.

My suggestions: This would have punched harder if it were written in a strong voice instead of passive. Passive is using the was, were, had voice.

Any noticeable typos: The last line was a bit of a struggle: "But unfortunately for him now, nor had anyone else." I can't quite place my finger on why, thinking maybe "did" instead of "had"? I think the idea that everyone knows his secret is a solid ending but the sentence is a bit awkward.

My favorite line(s): I don't know that any of it is my favorite line cause this is just a devastating situation but I think you really pounded home how atrocious it was with this: "He felt like throwing up as he padded down the corridor to meet his fate. There was no escape though.". I can feel this kid's terror.

In conclusion: This was a fantastic entry and was a rough read because of the situation. You penned it well and really brought it to life. Very well done.


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