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 Review #4747279 |
| This is an unofficial Game of Thrones raid from brought to you by "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" :(Cause I quit GOT on 11 April 2024, but still wanna play the game unofficially.)     HAPPY 22ND WDC ANNIVERSARY from "Anniversary Reviews" !!! Hah! You got me thinking there... does smoking really help in weight loss? Google showed me—Uhh... that's what some people think, but no. And your story is all about that. Good hook at the beginning. You definitely caught my attention and I wanted to read on to know whether smoking would actually help the MC lose weight. Unfortunately, there was a punctuation issue and a typo in your first sentence: Barbara Lang, who was on the plumper-side of runway sleekness, resolved on New Year’s Day 2023, she was going to start smoking to lose weight. I'm quite thankful that you have used big fonts and formatted your story well because many in WDC do not. It really made it much easier to read. I like your writing style. It's very punchy. I like its voice and tone. Pacing is good as the story is fast, which I think it's rather suitable for the story. However, there are grammatical issues and typos throughout the story. You may want to keep a tab on that. This story feels more like an anecdote because there was a lot of telling. That is the choice you've made between Show. vs. Tell. I'm quite curious why of all methods to lose weight, she chose smoking which is known to be addictive? The MC's central conflict is losing weight. That was the A Story (external conflict). I'm assuming the B Story (internal conflict) is that the MC finally decided to accept herself and abandon her weight loss plan. You tried to end your story with irony. It would have been more impactful, I felt, if the story used a little more of "showing". Instead of telling us that the MC did this and that, maybe by engaging your readers with a little more telling, they can feel the emotions of the MC. Characterisation wise, the MC clearly struggles with willpower and that is something many of us can relate to, not necessarily smoking, but in other areas of her life. As for plot, it's engaging. You've hooked us to vouch on the character. I really like the hidden message in your story: that is to accept ourselves for who we are. The ending where she have another new year resolution in 2024 and that is to quit smoking—that made me chuckle. It's my favourite part in the whole story. | 11:56 (+8 GMT  , 23 April 2024, Tuesday|CC: 2806 The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On!  Elycia Lee ☮   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/24/2024 @ 1:33pm EDT