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Review #4751190
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The Land of Mirrors: Part 1  [ASR]
A 23-year-old woman is bored with her job and wants a way out. Then she finds a dimension.
by Leslie Loo
Review by tracker
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello Leslie Loo,

Thank you for your review request. I noticed your second WDC anniversary was just a few days ago. Congratulations! It is a wonderful place to hang out. I read and will review "The Land of Mirrors: Part 1" giving you my views. They are my opinions alone which I hope you find useful.

Overall impression: I immediately look at the genres to prepare the type of story I read. I was engaged from the introduction of the main character's name alone. The hook is the most important part of the story. The plot had a unique way of crossing into another dimension. I relate as I have a friend whose job is like Cash's. She also complained about swollen feet from standing her whole shift.

I liked part one of your series a lot. It has all the elements of a great story beginning with the opening hook. The dialogue was well-balanced to give the reader more information about things as they happened. Freezing time, while she is in the magical place, was a clever technique. The ending left me wanting more; the ultimate sign of a great story.

Here are a couple of things to work on. The text size is small and hard to read. I recommend size 4. The story would have more punch by restructuring sentences to be more active. For example, "The coldness in the room engulfed her, making her wish she’d brought a jacket" could be, "Cash shivered, chastising herself for failing to grab her jacket to ward off the typical chill in the store." You mentioned the store was vacant followed by "hardly anyone entered the dressing room." If the store was vacant, no one would be in the rooms.
Let me know if you make revisions so I may read it again. I was honored to review your story and thank you for the generous gift points. I see opportunities to set your serial above the rest, so have rated it 4.5 stars. It was fun to read. Again, Happy 2nd Anniversary!

Write on!
tracker
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