Hello, Jaiam,

Here is a another review from me to you, for your "On This Cross!" .

You always have the last say on your work, and you are under no obligation to follow my suggestions.

Comments and Observations:

Oh, wow! Another contemplative and solemn-toned poem on sacrifice, faith, and redemption, you have here.

This poem mostly addressed the crucifixion, capturing deeply the emotional and physical anguish. Your words and phrases like, "veil of coming years," "life fades slowly from me," and "none will grasp the war within" suggest a strong sense of suffering and foresight. And not only as religious symbolism but also a human one.

The voice of the poem sounded sincere and thoughtful to me for pointing to the seriousness of the subject matter. Also, the first person perspective brings an intimate feel to the poem.

Although I am not too keen on excess formality in poetry, some lines feel slightly uneven in terms of rhythm and meter, but as long as they expressed your meaning, I don't see any harm in crossing a few taboos. Yet, for the sake of reviewing fairly, some lines could use revisions.

For example, "Seeing all those lives yet to be lived" is longer and disrupts the flow a bit. If you wish, you might consider revising for a more consistent meter in the entire poem and tightening the lengthy expressions to enhance impact. Such as, off the top of my head, "The battle waged in these last moments" can be expressed as 'these last moments' battle'.

I understand the difficulty of writing about such a well-known and revered event and still express personal feelings and come up with powerful themes with perfect integration. Yet, overall, you did a very good job and I especially liked the notion of victory and redemption in the final stanza.

Best wishes with all your work.







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .