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 Review #4753661 |
 | Nothing  [E] Contest entry for "Poetry Song Contest"  |
| (4.0)| Hello, Lone Writer!  This poem was written in a lovely way and I enjoyed this freeform. It seems to be about an individual who is having issues within their relationship; perhaps going through a breakup. It is filled with emotion and you did a great job portraying the feelings one may go through during a fight in a relationship. I like how you used loose rhymes throughout this piece and didn't stick to a strict scheme. I find this type of poetry tends to flow better than strict forms.   As far as grammatical errors, I do have a few suggestions (mostly pertaining to punctuation) but these are only my opinion.  I listed some lines from your poem below.  I, once thought that we would be I gotta go, now. Leaving is bittersweet. Now, I have nothing But, if nothing is what I leave with The longer I was with you, was more pain and misery  In all of these lines, I would suggest removing the commas as they are unnecessary. I notice sometimes that writers will add commas for the purpose of adding a dramatic pause. If that was your intention, I would suggest replacing the commas with ellipses. You can also use a dash, which I love to use in my own poetry. A dash will not have the same exaggerated pause as an ellipses will, but it will still guide to reader to come to a slight stop which is often what poets intend for in the middle of a line.You knew before I said it, what it was I had to say I gotta go, now. Leaving is bittersweet. The longer I was with you, was more pain and misery You've always taken more than I could give. This isn't any way that I should live. So, goodbye now, till the next time that we meet  These lines above  are quite lengthy when compared to the rest of the lines in the poem. I think the piece would read smoother if those parts were broken up into two separate lines.Two of those lines also end with a period, while none of the other lines do. I would suggest either removing the periods altogether or adding punctuation at the end of all lines. What you thought was your secret Something I have always known  With these two lines, I suggest adding "Was" in front of "something" so that the two lines create a sentence. As it is right now, they read as if they are two separate thoughts not relating to each other which I don't think is what you intended. My favorite part of this was definitely the stanza where you ended each line with an exclamation point. To me, this visualized an argument and made the lines more powerful. I could picture an angry person screaming these words at their partner in the midst of a big argument. Aside from the few suggestions I made, I think this piece is wonderful and does flow quite nicely. Even within the lines that are too long (in my opinion), I can see where you were going with the rhythm.Keep using these heartfelt emotions to create more work. I am impressed and will likely be back.  Thanks for sharing!    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 05/27/2024 @ 12:01pm EDT