Greetings Twilight Sparkle .

I am reviewing your story today as part of "I Write in 2024"  [13+]

Initial Reaction: Ahh, that is quite the mistake from the character who is going through a rough spell trying to get sober. Some people would have seen the bottle and thought about making hand sanitizer, thanks to the events over the last few years, but for an alcoholic... to see a percentage of alcohol listed on the bottle, it is a believable mistake.

The struggle came for me in point of view. Are we looking at the story from Fred's POV? Or is it Mike? It seems to jump between the two but there isn't any clear cut spots for making that kind of change. It could make things difficult for a reader to follow along.


Contest/Prompt: I am not sure if it fits the activity because the link in the forum just goes to the overall book item where the entry is posted. It would help to have a link to the forum on Geminigem's port to tell what inspired the "name your poison" topic and entry written. I can guess that it fit the activity but I can't say for sure. You might want to add the other forum link to your post on I Write, if octobersun checks them out since we are supposed to post a link to the activity or contest.


Final Notes and Other Thoughts: It is an interesting approach but also a little confusing. While I can see why we might need to do a section from one character and another section from the other, especially since the one loses consciousness part way through the story, there needs to be a better distinction when making the switch. Also, I don't quite get where things are going once we reach the end. It has some interesting details at the end but I don't understand the connection.

Maybe it would have helped to know if there was a prompt. Any information about what type of story you wanted to create might help make it easier to understand. I guessed that the title of the entry was the "prompt" but I still am not sure. Just had too many questions in the end as the reader between the "story" and the activity that was connected to the entry.

Still I hope it did well or that it helped give support to the activity as I do know the user mentioned too. Nice work with keeping up when it comes to the I Write challenge and keep on writing.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .