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Greetings, welcome to writing.com and thank you for the review request *Smile*

Well, I have a lot to say about this… I hope I can gather it all up together coherently *Laugh*

First, the pathetic situation of your main character really tugs at me… I see a lot of myself reflected in her personality and disastrous lack of support from those around her. The acts of desperation which others see as nuisance behavior, I see as a cry for help.

As the story went along I wasn’t sure at first what her brother was graduating from (if high school, that would open plot holes…) and it took a while for me to get the Harvard reference. (I’m not familiar with the “nerd statue”…) But I don’t understand why Claire is in such a situation if she also “graduated” from something, presumably a reputable place of higher education, as she indicated in the phone conversation with her brother. If she doesn’t have sobriety issues or an arrest record, then the only thing standing in the way of her success is… herself. Which haunts me, especially when we reach the bombshell at the last sentence.

I need to insist on a development arc for Claire; if she ends this series in the same situation and with the same attitude as she began, it will be a disappointing “cheap thrill” without any depth. I don’t want it to be that you’ve chosen someone like this for the main character only to toss her away at the end like a used tissue. Even if she does ultimately lose her life, I would want her to learn something about herself and the world before she goes. That’s one of the essential elements of good literature rather than pulp fiction.

Now bear in mind I haven’t read your other two chapters yet, so I don’t know what happens next. As it stands, you have tons of potential here for an excellent story: a flawed young woman, broken, unloved and unwanted, finds herself battling a serial killer who has every advantage of position and ability. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Your opening scene is a bit confusing as we are abruptly introduced to a passing character Michelle who had the mic at the aquarium. But it clears up quickly enough. The real world situations you describe are all too relatable, and I like how Claire begs the gas off the guy who turns up again as the killer. It sets up good foreshadowing and adds a hint as to the disagreeable nature of the man. And you focus the story entirely in the third person limited point of view, which is one of the best ways to tell a story, by putting us in the main character’s shoes and having us feel what she feels and see what she sees without “hopping heads.”

Do please utilize the font adjusting capabilities on WdC, as I found myself struggling with the default layout not so much because I can’t see it, but because it gives an impression of “wordiness” and monotony. Size 4 Verdana creates a more visually engaging read. I’m sure Mad Jack already informed you of the “used car contract” phenomenon *Wink* I do appreciate the line breaks and your good paragraphing and clear dialogue tags.

A few minor bits of your storytelling style were a little unclear, like did her fridge really warn her the electric bill was unpaid? A “smart fridge” that keeps track of her finances?? And you say “she looked over his shoulder” in the gas station, when the clerk was a woman. Unless there was someone waiting impatiently behind her. And there isn’t enough time between when her car ran out of gas and when the mean old lady called to yell at her for being late. And for that matter, she calls her “son of a…” when the solo form would do for the gender.

This is certainly a fascinating story I don’t want to let go of. Thank you for bringing it to us.

Take care and keep writing *HeartT*


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