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 Review #4759844 |
| (3.5)| Hi SamiJoe  ,Please remember, these opinions are purely my own, and any advice given is with the sole intention of being helpful.      What I Liked  Let's start at the end because I really liked the ending. The main character is taken home to a place where she will always be happy, I think, for all eternity. My guess, purely because Death is one of your chosen genres, is that this story is a metaphor for dying and escaping from the evils of life, and of being delivered to your own, personal Heaven. I apologise if I am way off with my interpretation. This is based purely on the Death genre. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started to read this. I had a lot of questions, like who was the evil man following the main character? and what has the main character done that she is sorry for? I'm not sure I got the answers to these questions, if I'm honest. Maybe I've missed something. I did like the way you kept up the suspense right until the end. It made me laugh when the character says is talking of what has happened to her, and she says, "He stepped in my line of fire." I like that. She didn't mean to shoot him; he stepped into the line of her bullets. I thought this character had killed her abuser, but then he appeared on the ferry. So I was confused. Suggestions for Improvement In general, I would say to check your tenses. Quite a few times, you switch from present tense to past tense. For example, "The echoes of him closer now as I shrank into the folds of the figures bellowing cloak." I actually found this story a little difficult to follow, and now I've finished reading and rereading, I'm still not completely sure what happened. Was the woman dead? Had she killed her abuser? Who was the ferryman with a skeletal figure? What had the woman done that needed punishment? This sentence isn't quite right: "I know he's following close behind the heavy coins in his pocket." As this reads, he is following the coins in his pocket. But if you place a comma after following, it would read as though he is following with coins in his pocket. I think that is what you mean. The following sentence then asks, " Tell me what has happened to you." and it threw me off a little. In this paragraph, you have been narrating the main character's thoughts and senses, then you mention the man following her, and then this sentence. Which is actually another character entirely. It is the ferryman (I think). It took me a few reads to sort that out. If you were to revisit this story, I would definitely take a look at making it clearer. Parting Comments This is an interesting story. I like the way you have used imagery to tell the narrative. Whoever the evil guy was, it sounds as though he got what he deserved. Thank you for sharing your work. I enjoyed reading this. Choconut  
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You responded to this review 07/01/2024 @ 9:20am EDT