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Review #4759929
Viewing a review of:
 The Empty Coffers of Recompense  [18+]
Can fallen Sigrun shake off a curse and keep her ragged friends together in one piece?
by Joto-Kai
Review by Past Member 'hammer48'
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
         Good afternoon, Joto-Kai , and I hope it finds you well. I finally made it! You are receiving this review because you requested it, and I thank you for trusting me to deliver the goods. I will be using my template even though I know that you have no need for the "tips" it contains, but it tends to keep me on track, so template it is. Never forget that I'm not a professional reviewer. I am, in fact, a leading authority on absolutely nothing. I know what I like and am reasonably adept at explaining the hows and whys, but at the end of the day I'm one guy with one opinion. Do not start making sweeping changes because one reviewer told you that, "I don't think this romance belongs in this story." Oh, if your reviewer lists some typos, by all means, go ahead and fix them, but complaints about the plot need to be handled with more thought. Wait until you get a dozen reviews, and if more than half complain about the romance, then maybe you need to look at it.
         Okay, with that said, there are two main categories to the way I review a story; the Glitz, and the Substance. First, the Glitz:

         Presentation describes how your story looks on the page. Basically, is it pleasant to read? This is only a factor because WdC defaults to a small, cramped, generic font, then offers the tools to change the look. Unless your item is very short, leaving it as-is can give it a strong resemblance to the fine print in a used car contract.
         This is fantastic, big, open font, double-spaced paragraphs, just sheer perfection. Makes it a joy to read.

         Mechanics is the one-word term I use to describe the "immersion factor." This is largely typos, too-vs-to issues and that sort of thing. I used to go line-by-line nitpicking every comma and semicolon until I realized that that isn't what's important. What you're doing as an author is weaving a spell designed to draw me in and engage me in a world of your creation. I want you to succeed; it's why I'm reading your story. But every time I encounter a gaffe so jarring that it yanks me out of my immersion, that's a failure on your part. This is the section where I address such issues; I include it in the "glitz" because it's, you know, typos, but maintaining your reader's immersion is every bit as important as the substance.
         So, this sentence, for one: "If wanted to walk, make the wagon shattered myself." I see what it means, but can't make the grammar work. Something close to, "If wanted to walk, I'd make the wagon shatter myself?"
         He's disgusted with his own magic, not you, Sigrun. Internal dialogue. I always suggest this be in italics as it keys the reader into the fact that this is not being said but thought.

         But those things, while as important as everything else, are mechanical issues, easily fixed with a good proofread. Now we move on to Substance.

         Story concerns the skill you bring to addressing the theme you set out to convey. Every story has been told before, most often by Shakespeare. What sets yours apart is the way you tell it. You must maximize consistency and continuity, and root out plot-holes by any means necessary. An outline certainly helps with this, but some writers can work well without them. The style and fluidity of your prose is a factor as well; your style is your style, and each writer has his own, but if you're writing to adults, you don't want that stilted "Fun with Dick and Jane" feel, for example.
         I must admit that epic fantasy holds very little attraction for me; it all feels terribly much the same. I wrote one once. I wasn't terribly impressed with it. I put it on Amazon anyway, and to no one's surprise, nobody else was real impressed, either. So with that understood, let's dive in and dissect your narrative; I think I can keep an open mind...
         And now, having read, I can proclaim this deep, rich, and... epic. I don't entirely understand what's going on here, and I don't know whether that's because I'm reading an incomplete section of story or that you're writing on a level above my understanding, but it impresses me, nonetheless. I feel like an outsider eavesdropping on someone else's conversation, normally very much not a good look for a story, but it feels right here. I'm being incoherent, right? Try going to my Griffin's Blade story and reading a section or two from the middle with no context. If that makes you feel lost and interested at the same time, that's what I'm getting here. Speaks well for the larger story, methinks.

         Characters are the beating heart, the engine that drives the narrative, and as such, in my opinion, are the most important part of your creation. This is why I treat them separately. Weak, lazy stereotypes drawn from central casting will ruin any story they're put in, Lord of the Rings, War and Peace, I don't care what the story is, they are the engine, and if they aren't up to the job, your story will lack power. Strong, dynamic characters will lift a mediocre story to a bit higher level than it would otherwise enjoy, but it doesn't work the other way around. So, let's examine your players.
         Sigrun sounds human, Perrin like an orc, Oliver maybe human, maybe a separate race of mages. Why is he losing control? What is Alwyn's part in all of this, and where does the Reverend Mayor's true story begin? His is a strange treatment for a ghost, and Vivianca a suitably underhanded trickster deity. These folks interact amazingly well together and weave a splendidly convoluted tale... or part of a tale. In any event, I like them, and after considerable thought I can't think of any negative points to raise about them. They mesh like a well-oiled machine.

         And now it is time for me to pull all this together into a final rating. The little hiccups mentioned in the Mechanics section must be addressed as they mar the perfection of it all, but they're simple and not intrusive, and I'll shank a half-star because of them. A fine narrative this is and deserving of near perfect status. Thank you for sharing and drawing my attention to it. Wishing you the greatest of good fortune wherever you decide to take this... or wherever it takes you!

Bad decisions make great stories,
*Squirrel* hammer48

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