Runaway Child

So here I am staring at the damp, thunderstruck sky, taking yet another pointless and prolonged breath to stay alive in this faded, useless life of mine. I feel so empty inside, that I could just die and nobody would notice. I’m trying to look at the trees surrounding me yet I see nothing, I try and touch the rusty bench I lie on but I feel nothing. I’m totally numb and useless, not even the passers by look at me. Is anybody listening? Can anybody help me? No! I’m so dizzy and light headed, and having this distinct throbbing smell lingering in the air, choking me, I’m finding it harder and harder to push out a single breath. As I’m lying here staring futilely into the offended ground, my crushed tears flood my eyes whilst my heart is pumping with hurt and pain from the way you have treated me, but will not much longer. Not long now I keep telling myself.

Why did it have to be this way? You never took the time to ask how I felt, what I wanted or needed. I needed someone to talk to, I wanted my mother to be there for me through tough times, I wanted a life where I would be respected but no, you were too busy gallivanting off down the boozer without a care for me. You’re a whacked slut and I hate you! I despise the thought of you, as you’re probably at home in your shoddy armchair sobbing your eyes out clutching an item which reminds you of me. Well how ironic, the one time you want me most and want to talk to me, I’m not there, but when I am there you couldn’t give a shit about me. It just proves how goddamn selfish you are and the pathetic life you lead. Not long to go now though.

You drove me away without a care, and now you will want me back. Well listen up, I’m not coming back and to your great fortune you will never see or hear from me ever again. Its not like you wanted a daughter anyway, just some little excuse for you not to work and gain benefits. You have no idea how much pain I have been through the past few months and you have just stood by aimlessly and watched it happen right in front of your half soaked eyes! What’s the point in being alive if your own mother won’t take care of you? Just because your mum was a waste of space doesn’t mean you have to carry on the punishment to me. As if you care, almost over now anyway.

Where were you when I needed you most? I’ll tell you where you were. Out getting drunk and shuffling the streets! While I was all alone at home sitting hopelessly on the damn kitchen stool with only the company of a 6 inch blade to my broken body.
Aren’t I a twisted child? All thanks to you. Way to go mum, the only joy I ever had was searing into my young skin as the blade scraped the bone beneath, twisting that tarnished black handle for every time you hurt me. With this memory stuck painfully in my head, I am once again watching myself take the only friend I ever had and plunge it deep into my blood loved vein. Watching the blade cascade the inner half of my wrist I’m taking my friend for a journey, a journey which will end in my demise. The red water; it’s flooded my jacket with its presence, I can hardly write anymore, you will rot I guarantee it. Engraved into my arm is the pain from my whole life which you burdened upon me, which you don’t care about so its time to say bye.
Thanks for ruining my life, you killed me!


M. Goodwin