Say Hello to the Dodo

Say Hello to the Dodo

Two months ago, I killed the last vampire.

It’s never like it is in the movies. On the big screen, you’ve always got the hunk of a hero fighting some nasty baddie with guns blazing or knives flying. They both fight until they’re bloody and sweaty and just when it looks like there’s no possible way for good to triumph over evil, the hero finds some sort of last minute strength and slays whatever it is he’s fighting. That’s every action movie ever made. It’s a good formula to follow, but don’t ever think that it happens that way in real life.

I suppose you could say that I’m the hero in this story. But let me tell you, I am far from being some hot hunk with rippling muscles and flippy hair. I’m just your average joe. Some mildly overweight, twenty four year old geek who still lives with his parents. Though I’m hoping when they give me my own comic book, they’ll take certain literary liberations for my character. I wouldn’t mind having the flippy hair.

I am Steve Goldstein, vampire slayer. I have the card to prove it. You can order it online for like a buck fifty plus shipping and handling. Pay an extra five bucks and they’ll even print your name on it. Most slayers have one of these cards. For a while there, we were giving them away free when you signed up on our slayer forum online. But our Webmaster had to get his own place and start paying bills, so you know how it is.

We slayers do most of our business online. We’ve got a sweet forum up and running. It’s supposed to be a secret site, where only the people who’ve been there know where it is. But really, if you do a Yahoo search, it’s not that hard to find. The internet is the easiest way to organize ourselves. We’re spread out over the entire world. Mostly people are just in it for the namesake. I mean, how cool is it to call yourself a slayer? But there are some of us who are in it for the real thing. We want to rid the world of vampires.

And two months ago, we did just that.

It took us almost two years to track him down. None of us had actually even seen a vampire before. It was hard to find him, but we got him. The last remaining vampire. We pretty much theorize that most of the vampire race died out in the late 1400’s. That’s when being a slayer really meant something. You bring the ashes of a vampire to the head of your council and you’re set for life. That’s when being a slayer really would have been sweet. Now, I just got a pat on the back and a promotion on the website. Which is cool, but still. I would have liked some sort of angelic blessing or pile of gold or something.

We found out where he was by tracking a string of blood bank robberies. We’d tried the theory before, but it ended up being some freaky teenagers who liked to pretend they were vampires. Kids these days. But this time it actually turned into something. An actual vampire.

There were three of us there. Myself, my friend Tod, and this kid Baker who lived a couple towns over and offered his services as back up. We took a picture of the three of us with our stakes and I think Baker even had a crossbow he stole from his Dad. But the film got exposed so we can’t ever develop the picture, which is a real bummer because it was the only way we could actually archive this historic event.

I wish I could say the last vampire had some cool name like Lord Daemon Bloodlust or Sir Maverick Omenhead or even just something sweet like Valentine or Deuce. But his name was Tom. Tom Mitchell. And he lived in an apartment in Queens. He worked a nightshift at 7-11 three days a week and had a bulldog named Cujo. We had to do reconnaissance and I ended up hanging out with the guy for a month before I was satisfied he was the real deal. Tod’s the one who actually found the blood in his refrigerator and it took us a month to save up for one of those hidden cameras. We would have tested him with the normal stuff, but he had a reflection and he actually liked garlic. Should have known there were false myths.

When the time came for us to kill him, we decided to do it during the day, so at least he would be asleep. Plus, we didn’t want to get bitten or anything. We snuck into his apartment with stakes and Baker’s crossbow ready. But the guy was up. I mean, we were pretty much counting on him sleeping in a coffin or something. But he was sitting at his kitchen table eating Cheerios and watching Scooby-Doo. Needless to say, he looked a little surprised to see us in his apartment at nine in the morning in our commando gear wielding weapons.

We had one of those classic standoffs, but that’s about the only classic thing that happened. He put down his cereal and gave us all a worried look. And you know what he said? It wasn’t something like, “So you’ve come to slay me?” or “You think you can best me, mortals?”

What he actually said was, “Uh…hey guys.”

Not exactly a scene out of a gothic romance novel, but it would have to do. Because the next thing I knew, Tod and Baker were charging him. Actually, I think what triggered us was Baker firing the crossbow, but the arrow went a little wide and hit his cupboard instead of him. Tom was actually pretty spry. I didn’t expect anything less, but it was a little breathtaking to see the vampire speed in real life. I wish he would have growled or something, or even just flashed his fangs. But I think he was just trying to make a break for it.

Tom jumped over the table as Tod and Baker rounded on him. He was coming straight at me and I tried to think of something noble to say. Something one of the slayers from the old times would say in a situation like this. I thought of some pretty cool things afterwards. Like, “Say hello to the dodo you vampire scum!” or “May Satan welcome you home.”

But at the time, I was a little flustered, so all I managed to get out was a quick, “Oh shit.” I raised my stake in a defense. Tom was coming pretty fast and I don’t think he really saw it because he impaled himself right on it. It had to be my luck, but I’ll claim that I meant to do it.

We found out one myth that was actually true. They do actually turn to ash. It just takes a little bit. Because while he was impaled on my stake, we were making eye contact and I have to say the guy looked pretty scared. I felt kind of bad, but then he coughed and fell apart to ash before I could say sorry. It took me like a week to get all the ash out of my hair.

Tod and Baker gathered what they could of the ashes left on the ground so we could have something to show for our effort. And we went back to Tod’s place and told everyone online that the mission was complete. There should have been a point in there where we were on a euphoric high, but really it was kind of disappointing and sad. I mean, people talked about it on the forum online for weeks before the buzz died down and we all realized that there was no point in being a slayer anymore except to have some stupid card. Unless there are other vampires out there somewhere, which we highly doubt because it’s kind of hard to hide that sort of thing nowadays, slayers can pretty much retire.

And what did we get out of all of this? Well, Baker got grounded for taking his Dad’s crossbow without permission. Tod got some lung infection from inhaling that ash. And me? Well I got a dog out of the deal. I mean I couldn’t let the dog suffer. He didn’t know his master was a vampire. Tom didn’t do so bad training his dog, either. He could do some pretty cool tricks. But I think the little guy misses him.

You know, I kind of miss him too.

After all, it’s not every day you get to hang out with a vampire as cool as Tom.


Written for "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor .
Prompt: 3. Write a story about a vampire slayer who has just killed the last vampire.