The Doctor Visit

"For crying our loud, Martha! Why couldn't you make an appointment to see this guy earlier than this? It's embarrassing enough to be using this floatation device at home to sit on without a bunch of other strangers staring at me like I am a glob of cream cheese on a bagel. You know I can't stand to hang around in a waiting room, even if I could sit down comfortably and cross my legs. Even the magazines in that room that are spread out all over the end tables are ripped and worn from last year. Besides that, the guy doesn't even have anything interesting in there that I'd like to thumb though. I mean, who ever heard of an eighty-year old man reading something like Parenting Today? Then every time it seems I have to come here for a check up, they got some bratty little kid sitting in there waiting too that won't sit still for a minute. The kid keeps rocking in the chair and kicking his feet back and forth, back and forth. Showing off those hundred dollar Air Jordan sneakers his mother bought for him, the spoiled little bugger. He ought to have what I got. He won't be swinging those legs, I guaranteed you that. Then, you know what? The little bugger seems to know that he is aggrevating me by acting that way, so the bold bastard begins swinging those legs of his faster and faster. And his mother won't do a damned thing about it! Kids can so damn annoying, I swear they take private tutoring from you, Martha. Then this particular one waits for me to look at him. Don't you notice? He waits for me to make eye contact with him so then he can put his dirty little finger in his nose and dig out a booger and then roll it around with his index finger and thumb and then flick it off somewhere in my general direction and then he starts to laugh. The kid knows he is making me squirm in my seat and I start to feel sick to my stomach. Then, once I finally get inside that room to see the doctor, the doctor wonders why my blood pressure is up and my hands are shaking. So what does he do? He increases my medications all because of that demon from Hell is out there in the waiting room and swinging those damn legs."

"Oh stop it right now, Charles. You're just imagining things and getting worked up over nothing. So stop your whining. The receptionist told me this was the only time the doctor had open to see you. And why do I have to call for your appointment anyway?"

"You know full well what the reason is, Martha. I can't stand listening to those taped voice messages they have to push certain buttons for different languages. I have to listen to Chinese, Swahili, Japanese, Somoan and a bunch of others before someone speaks American."

"There is no such thing as American, Charles. Next time you can call yourself. All I hear from you is complaining."

"Don't park too far away from the front door this time, Martha. Pull into a parking space where once I get out I don't have to get a pair of binoculars to see the office and walk like I'm on an African safari. You know my arthritis bothers me, but I think you take pleasure in aggrevating me to no end."

"Aggrevate? I aggrevate you?"

"Yes Martha. You do. How do you think I got this damned boil on my bum? They are caused from nerves and you, Martha, are the champion on getting on people's nerves."

"You don't get boils on the cheeks of your buttocks from nerves, Charles. But for your sake, I will ask the doctor when we get in there."


"You are not going to accompany me into the examination room where you can laugh again at my boil. It is not funny, Martha. The last time I let you come into the examination room, you started asking more questions about your own health than mine. I'm surprised the doctor didn't bill us for two appointments."

"Stop it, Charles. I was only asking about my yellow toenails. You know my sister Edna died from yellow toenails."

"Edna did not die from yellow toenails. It was because she had you as her older sister constantly on her back telling her to eat collard greens and turnips to control her acne.That screwy family tree of yours went in every direction except up. Besides the fact she had yellow toenails that looked like Fritos Corn Chips, you drove her to start drinking warm vodka right out of the bottle at 6 AM. No need for morning coffee for her. Not your sister. She had already had caught a buzz on by the time the morning weather forecast came on the radio. She wasn't bashful about her sexual preferences either. Being bisexual, the way she explained it to everyone was, she had doubled her chances of getting lucky on a Saturday night."

"It still wasn't nice of you calling her the town skank whenever she called the house though, Charles."

"Martha, she was on a first name basis with every liquor store owner in the county. She didn't even need a business card to introduce herself. You drove her to drink, Martha. Each time you'd call her on the phone and tell her that there were double coupons on Bathroom Soft Charmin, she'd break the seal on another bottle of Seagrams Seven."

"Well excuse me for being a big sister, Charles and trying to save her some money. Her husband wasn't much of a help to her. Chasing after that young hussy of a Hooter's girl. I was just trying to help her save some money in her time of grief."

"Grief! Your sister was in grief? She had the biggest hoe down party in town after her husband up and left her. She was drunk for a week. The construction work crew out on Route 95 had a flashing light arrowboard with a sign pointing right to your sister's house for anyone interesting in having a good time"

."Well people find relief from grief in different forms, Charles. Edna may have been a little misdirected at times and she found comfort in an occasional drink."

"More like she found comfort from being on top of a 225 pound construction worker."

"That's not very nice, Charles. She always had nice things to say about you. Remember she picked up the false set of dentures for you that were hardly used by Mrs. Barlow at the yard sale after she passed away?My sister just need guidance and some direction."

"Your sister didn't need any flashing red light directions for anyone to find her bedroom. I don't want to hear another thing about your sister or your family. Now I want to leave the rubber donut in the car. It's going to be embarrassing enough trying to walk ino this room without someone wondering what time the swimming pool opens. Come on Martha, hurry up and let's get this over with. You deal with Tabitha, or Juanita, or Roxanne, or Taliban, or whatever the hell her name is behind that plexiglas window. Every time she slides the window open I get an urge to order an Egg McMuffin and a large coffee. Oh, and ask the receptionist with the bull ring in her lip if there are are any little bratty kids in the waiting room. I'll wait outside and If she has a hard time understanding what you're saying, try speaking pig Latin."

"You will not wait outside, Charles. You'll come right in there with me and take a seat like everyone else. I'm sure the doctor won't be long."

"Dammit. Will you stop nagging me. I am in a lot of pain you know. How would you like it if you had a giant cold sore on one of your enormous chubby cheeks?"

"I do not have chubby cheeks, Charles."

"How would you know that, Martha? You haven't been able to see your cheeks in so long you probably have a mushroom farm growing back there."

"Lower your voice, Charles. That's not a very nice thing to say about your wife. You're such a big baby. Now the doctor will probably just lance it and drain out all the liquid and put a Band Aid on it. Now there are a couple of seats over there, so let's sit down and wait for the doctor to call our names"

"These straight chairs are so uncomfortable. The grey fabric is all worn out on the seats. You'd think they'd have Lazy Boy recliners for what they charge for an office visit.Do you really think he's going to cut it open?"

"Yes, and if you're a good little boy and don't cry, I'll see if I can talk the nurse into giving you a cherry lollipop."

"Don't try to be funny, Martha. As long as I don't have to go to the hospital. I can't stand being in a hospital. At least in here, you got a chance to escape. You can get by one or two people, but in a hospital it's harder to run away. They hold you at bay with those long needles. It's like a prison. Once they got you locked in, you can't get out and then you die in there."

"You are not going to die from a boil on your ass, Charles. You are being ridiculous now."

"Is that so? I'll have you know Tommy Donahue was in perfect health and went in for a routine physical and they convinced him he had a urinary infection because he couldn't tinkle into one of those plastic cups. They strapped him in a bed for two weeks just running tests."

"So what's your point, Charles? They should have run tests on your friend's mental stability rather than his kidneys. He was a cross dresser and wore his wife's perfume to play Bingo at the Seniors Center. I think we will be called next to go into the room so comb your hair, what you have left of it."

"My point Martha is that Tommy couldn't see the cup to aim correctly. He was peeing all over the floor and missing the cup. He forgot his glasses at home. They were looking for problems below the waist and the problem was above the neck! Now who's to say they flip me over and instead of curtting open the boil, they cut something else off!"


"The doctors and nurses are well trained and I'm sure they can tell the difference between a boil and and that other thing on the opposite side. Besides, Charles, from what you have demonstrated to me over the past twenty years, it wouldn;t make much of a difference if they did make a mistake anyway."

Martha, if he sticks me with a needle or asks me to cough, I swear I'm going to make a citizen's arrest. Why can't they play some Dean Martin music or Frank Sinatra instead of that junk coming from the speakers. Oh and before we leave, ask that girl out from from Katmandu if Medicare covers this visit."