Autobiography of a Knight

I sat there on a trite psychiatrist’s leather chaise lounge, tapping my feet along the rhythm of his ticking grandfather clock. I wasn’t nervous at all. Yup, not me. Annoyed? Maybe. Pissed off? Just a tad.
         A man with a bushy white beard came into the room with a clipboard and notebook tucked under his arm and his glasses sitting on the edge of his nose. I wanted to laugh. Could this get any more typical?
         He sat down across from me in a chair that looked more comfortable than mine, clicked his pen and smiled a toothless grin. Man, that chair looks comfy…I wonder where he bought it…I could use one in my empty apartment and replace that dingy old beanbag chair—Oh wait, I can’t get rid of that! I’ve got my stash in there! He extended his hand for a warm handshake.

Hello, Sir Roderick, my name is—

Aw, damn it. I broke a nail! (Sir Roderick?) I looked up and ended up staring at his face with my mouth hanging open. Damn, what is that on his nose? I can’t tell if it’s a wart or a mole. Speaking of moles, I didn’t know that the princess had one on her breast. Ugh, scared the crap out of me when I thought she had a third nipple… I wonder what would happen if I had a third nipple? Can people even get three nipples? Now there’s a scary thought!  (Sir Roderick!?) Hmm?

I asked how have you been doing today, Sir Roderick?

What are you, a dumbass? I look like crap. Good. Juuust dandy. Smile, Sir Roderick…Smile so I seem like a normal chap having a good day. Smile!  I give him my toothiest grin and the doc stared at me, frozen, as if I looked like I wanted to eat him…Which isn’t a bad idea at all. I’ve always wondered what it was like to eat a human…

He clears his throat and fiddles with his glasses. Before we get started, I’m curious to know why you think you’re here?

Because I laughed when the dragon ate the princess. Ah…that was funny. I shifted positions in the chaise, digging my hands into my pockets... I really don’t know why. Now where did I put my last joint?

The doc scribbled something down on his notepad. Okay, well then let’s get started on some Rorschach blot tests. Tell me, what do you think this looks like? Be honest.

A dragon having oral sex with the queen. A daisy.
Merlin smoking a joint. God, I could use one right now. A dragon flying in the clouds.
A sword splitting someone in two. A water fountain.
The King.  An ass…A donkey, I mean.

Uh huh…very good. How about we do some word associations? I say a word, and you tell me what the first thing is that comes to mind? Okay, you…

Prick. Saint.

Princess…

Whore. Pretty.

Hmm….Dragon?

Drinking buddy. ...evil?

Okay, one last one. Sir Roderick is…?

One handsome devil. Insane.

Hmm….The doc scribbles down on his notepad again. When do you think you started to lose your passion for saving the kingdom?

I’m thinking that this all happened when Merlin told me I had second-hand smoke—dealt with enough dragons to last two lifetimes. And then the day the princess got eaten, well, I was having a crappy day. I couldn’t find the right tunes on my iPod to slay the dragon—and you know how I like my music. And then one of my contact lens fell out so I was half-blind. Oh! And some little pageboy ratted out to Merlin that I’ve been stealing from his stash. Ha ha, kicked his ass, killed him, then threw his body in the river. Little prick isn’t gonna rat out anyone any more.

Stash?

Yeah, weed, speed, coke, he has it all. What do you think he does with those potions all day? Cure cancer?

Hmph. Let’s move onto—his damn grandfather tolls, telling him he’s earned his money’s due for listening to crap that doesn’t even matter. I need a drink…

Sorry, I have my three o’clock next. Listen, this has been a great. I think just a few more meetings like this, and you’ll be all better in no time. Same time tomorrow?

Have a nice day, jackass. I hope a dragon eats you. Sure. I give him the finger as I walked out. Have a nice day.