nicodemon

I came into this world like a child destined to be taken by the devil. A child that prophecy foretold would attract the demon when I came of age. My very blood calling to him and he would never leave me once he found me. He would take me again and again never letting me go. The nicotine in my infant blood pumping through my body and finding its way to my brain. The doors were opened and left ajar for the eventual return of my master.

I was not aware of my destiny. He did not hover around me as a child growing up. He had no need. He knew where to find me when the time was right. I would catch glimpses of him in the cloying scent of strangers. Not after he had been long gone and the unworthy human body committing blasphemy by trying to remove his blessing. Only in the fresh intake of pleasure and the enlightened stare of a person being embraced. He watched me through the eyes of those strangers. Biding his time until I asked for him of my own free will as he knew I would. Let it not be said he takes you by force. Domination by fear is effective but breeds disloyalty in the heart. You must make them believe their hearts and minds are part of you and that is the way of the world. Make them fear the consequences of your loss more than you. Make them think they cannot do anything without you.

It was a beautiful day when he came to me. But it was a beauty that only existed along side the truth instead of hiding it. I had just received my grandfathers will in the mail. A deceptively plain and seemingly perfunctory 3 inch court document. The legal jargon and attention to every conceivable twist of words. Hiding the simple message in its complexity.

I will not even honor her with the honorable term grandmother. She was my grandfathers wife and she had him killed for money. She took from this earth the person I respected most for jewels and cars. The cold metal and twisted carbon traded for the beauty of honor that is more rare than a perfect cherry blossom. He was a kind and humble soul. A true gentleman and a father to me. The only and closet thing to a father I had known. He had picked me up and shown me what strength was. What pure truth meant. No manipulations no ulterior motives no mental noise. Just love and guidance. I had never known such a thing.

It was time for the taking of me. I was brought to my knees in front of the universe. I was asking what reality was and should be. The Nicodemon came to me. As if in a trance I walked to the store and gave myself to him willingly. I did not know what made my feet walk. I did not know what made me bring him to my lips. My mind was no longer in control of such basic things. They say it takes awhile. They say your body fights him at first. But this was not true for me. Just as I was meant to be his he was meant to be mine. I did not reject him even once. It was like embracing an old friend who was the only one who could comfort me in such a time of need. He surrounded me with warmth and blessed oblivion. All that mattered was that he was in me. The world could wait. No...the world no longer mattered as long as I had him. He was my champion, my impenetrable demon god of strength that stood between me and the pain. I brought him into me long after the virgin need was gone. Over and over again he entered me until I could no longer distinguish between want and need.

At first it was filtered with sweet flavors and diluted power. And than pure and raw with nothing man made between me and him. Unfiltered camel cigarettes. Like the first time you have intercourse without latex and feel the seed enter you. I was I am his. He looked into my eyes and told me that I would never leave him. He would be with me until I took my last breath. And that breath would be of him.

Sweet addiction. Intoxicating overwhelming need. I thought of him every moment of the day. When I could not be with him I wanted him. Counting the minutes. The seconds. Time was changed and woven around him. I could only think of being with him.

The invisible thread that lies within all humans tried to speak to me. It said “ you will not be controlled by another. You must be free and you must cut off your own arm if needed. It is your nature”. I listened, the betrayal amused my master. He looked at me knowingly and indulged my girlish attempts at rebellion. He laughed and humored me. I was indignant. I ll show him who is in control of me.

The first day is nothing but agonizing need. You feel it in your elbows and lungs. Tingling tightness. Infuriating sensations that do not rest. You must you have to you just cant live without it. You have to give another your money for safe keeping. You must remove yourself from societies so you do not even see the face of your lover in an accidental stranger. You can do nothing but lay there and ache for him. He just amuses himself with other things while you suffer. He knows what will happen next. And he will punish you for your impudence. You will never know another lover who can overwhelm you and he knows it.

The second day is a game of subtle torture. You have periods of time where you have no need. You sleep better you breathe better and you feel calm. And then the need hits you. So much more in comparison to the constant low grade need you are used to. The sudden powerful want. You would gather hundreds of pennies just to have him back.

If you survive the torture imposed upon you by your own body you are weary and drained. You have used all of your healing potions and your powerful spells. And than he reforms into an even more awesome beast. You are broken and out of everything but your last reserves. Ready for the final fight. You draw upon your final strength. You fight him with every last ounce of will. He is almost beaten but disappears before the final blow. You are free for now but feel the unspoken warning. You will be punished severely when you are taken by him again. It will be rough and without love.

A few months of freedom. You find joy and pleasure in the world again. You can do anything and everything without asking him first. Without thinking of him first. You are free. You walk by the ashes and ruins of the battle. It is everywhere but no longer controls you. You become complacent and think that you are strong. You have fought a demon. You have don't nothing but anger him.

He waits. In the shadows gathering his strength. Licking his wounds and tasting the power in his own blood. He will come to you just when you think you are safe. When you have finally let down your guard thinking he is dead. And then the craving grabs a hold of you and rips your flesh to shreds. He will stand before you and force you to submit to his power. You know it will not be the same as before. You can see it in his eyes. He is angry and will have his way. You are no longer a beloved pet. You are something to be broken.

The first breathe is an orgasm. Your entire body explodes in pleasure in a way that was never given to you before. The need that was like an unimaginable pain finally grown accustomed to, and forgotten has finally been satisfied. You want to cry and beg. No. Please. He has no pity. You have disobeyed and put yourself before him. He will not show you mercy. The addiction is stronger than ever before. But instead of rewarding with pleasure he turns your stomach. Makes your head ache and pound. But you cannot stop. The fierce consuming need is there. It will be awhile before he rewards you with pleasure again.

He is not angered by this confession. It has aroused his desires of me to know of my want. He calls me to him so I must leave you now. I will submit to him in a way I would no man. I no longer want him but I fear his absence. His anger. His punishment. He will have me now but the seeds of resentment are there. I will fight again and again against this enslavement. I will be punished and tortured. But I will break free. But for now I must go to him. He has called and he is a cruel master. I must attend him or face the consequences.