satire(n) - the use of ironic humor to criticize people's stupidity or hypocrisy |
These days, The American Flag is not merely flown on a pole - it is worn, close to the skin, by the most fashion-conscious Patriots among us. These American Flags are a wet-dream gift to Uncle Sam and President Lear alike: THIS is how much I love you. Thanks to the quintessentially American T-shirt design, now you too can “wrap yourself in the Flag” on a whim, for any reason you like - without looking like a green old woman in a robe. The proper creation of such wearable American Flags is as follows: The material should be 100% American-grown cotton - after all, if THE Flag cannot be the Confederate flag, at least they ought to make some money on it. The American Flag design should be as large and all-encompassing as possible, printed in the latest, greatest, harshest chemical inks known to Industrialized Society so that the image of the Flag is stained into the wearer’s skin, not only on the first wearing but also still after several washings. (Delicate wash only, hung out to air-dry somewhere people will see it fluttering in the breeze; do not iron.) Sizes XL and larger are acceptable, male “unisex” cut only. One must be careful at all times to avoid staining, tearing, ripping, puncture, unravelling, stretching, thinning of material, abrasive damage, fading, and all other forms of harm being done to The American Flag. Use of deodorants and antiperspirants is discouraged due to their proclivity to mark the interior. The only substances acceptable for contact with or staining of The American Flag are beer, ketchup, and motor oil, whose stains should be celebrated as battle wounds sustained in the course of Being a Real American. Should staining by any other substance, or any other kind of damage, occur, there is a simple, honorable, and uniquely American procedure for properly and respectfully disposing of your wearable American Flag. Young boys should be taught this process early and thoroughly, preferably by example. Firstly the defaced Flag is carefully put onto the body of a well-endowed, 18-year-old female model, where it is doused with lighter fluid until the material is transparent. It is then torn from the body slowly, with extravagance. During this tearing, a small fireworks display may be appropriate. The torn pieces should then be used to light a medium- to large-sized bonfire, on which copies of the Qur’an and the Communist Manifesto are burned. The fire should be allowed to burn itself out, but not until at least 1,776 minutes have elapsed. At the time the fire dies, a bugler should play one chorus from Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” Following this, the ashes of the Flag (but not those of the books it has been used to burn) should be gathered and place inside an authentic metal 1950’s “Duck ‘n’ Cover” lunchbox and sent to a warehouse whose door reads “Recycling Center,” from whence it will be sent along to the appropriate section of the inter-state landfill, adjacent to the superhighway. All this should only be done during times of drought, to ensure that there will not, under any circumstances, be a rainbow in the sky, too near The American Flag and the flames it has died to bring us. For those obliged to dress more formally, the classic American Flag lapel pin is also available since, while it is unacceptable for anything to puncture The American Flag, The American Flag itself is well known for penetrating other fabrics. These lapel pins are available in metal, though the ideal version is the stamp-printed Cheap White Plastic™ model, available in sizes ranging from Washington Quarter to HUNERT-DOLLA BILL. The best of these feature a second American Flag on the back, emblazoned with the phrase “Made in America (by robots)” but these are increasingly rare and expensive. |