A writer's Journey

Hi Everyone,
I have always had a tough experience with writing. I hope to write or write about writing, can be frustrating.
Today is a sunny day, I can hear birds chirping not today. The tree in front of my front window stands solid unchanging? It changes each season, beautifully adorned in winter, Summer is a reminder of the greenness, it's, Autumn colors in autumn, and Spring provides a freshness to a new beginning. Yeah, I was never a writer however nature is a healer, I was time would heal it didn't. Nature is quite different. For a long time, I just sit here looking at the screen hoping some aspect of me would change didn't work. On glum days or difficult days, I just lie there, too wounded by the insult of a lack of skill set. Writing long pieces of prose is always daunting, short prose will do. I do like writing by pen and paper. It does feel a bit concrete. The writing process can end up excruciating, grotesque like horror or a pleasant breeze, basking in the summer glow. I am certainly not seasoned just have a lot of time on my hands. Well am supposed to be writing something fiction or sciency, yet find it hard to just sit here to write. Once I have written a couple of words, I have so got this. I am going to take a diary and risk embarrassing myself. However, it should really be my guide. I am a doer, first question that always used to be in my head well what do I write, what is a thought? It's the thing (not the hand) that pops in one's head noticed, and then gone the next moment before you have time to catch it. Well, I came back here. Gave it another attempt. A creative writer wasn't my aim. Will go back to research one of these days. It's exciting. I'm not a celebrity who wants my career back. Well, people make judgments that's their choice, I make my own choice. I have no aims here which is scary, aimlessly going about the task like a wanderer. Or should I take a direction towards, closure, no we don't mean shops closing. That's what I had thought. How can I make gibberish into sense.