Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈's (mathguy) Reviews

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Review Requests: ON

1,664 Public Reviews Given

3,035 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

In depth, detailed, and supportive.

I'm good at...

Elements of craft that draw readers into your fictional world and your character's head.

Favorite Genres

SciFi, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Least Favorite Genres

Fantasy

Favorite Item Types

Short stories

Least Favorite Item Types

nonfiction, poetry

I will not review...

I'm only interested in prose fiction. I will not review anything over 4000 words, nor will i review poetry. If you have a longer piece, please divide it into bite-sized chunks.

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14 days may be credited.

#4710236

Review of That Haunting Love Story

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. Thank you for asking me to read your story. I remember reading it when you entered it in the "Tales Shown, Not Told Discussion Forum"

contest.

Item Reviewed: "That Haunting Love Story"

by The Puppet Master

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I enjoy stories with unexpected twist endings, and this one delivered. In addition, gave a creative twist to a story of love ended too soon by tragic death.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening names your (initial) point-of-view character, puts her in action, and orients the reader in time and place, all good things. It answers the basic who/what/when/where questions, another plus.

However, the opening paragraph doesn't put the reader inside Violet's head. For example, this is a fine, declarative sentence:

Her hands were shaking and she could hear her own heartbeat.

BUt that's exactly the problem--this is the author telling the reader some facts. Consider instead this simple revision

She paused at the door, took a deep breath to quiet her thumping heart, and tried to control the trembling in her hands.

This conveys the same information, but does so by having Violet doing stuff. Instead of the narrator--that's you, the author--telling the reader her hands where shaking and she "could hear" her heart beating, it shows the information through her actions.

This is a minor change in terms of the actual information on the page, but a big change in terms of where it puts the reader--inside Violet's head as she enters the office, as opposed that of a narrator, standing outside the story, looking in. Putting the reader inside the story is one of major goals of an opening paragraph in a short story or a in a scene in a longer piece.

Indeed, I'd recommend that you look at all of the declarative statements--such as the description of Stan's office when Violet first enters--and try to find a way to change them so they are in Violet's head.

In passing, it might be nice if the opening made mention of this being her first day back from sick leave since, as it turns out, she's got some paperwork to fill out as a consequence.

Characters
Vonnegut once said that every character should want something, even if it's just a glass of water. For the major characters in a story, this is doubly important.

Characters need goals. The goals need to matter--these are the stakes. Something bad happens if they can't achieve their goals, or, at worst, they miss out on something good. Finally, there ned to be obstacles to achieving their goals, or else there's not much of a story.

Goals and obstacles lead to conflict. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. The three, goals, stakes, and obstacles, work in concert to create tension. Tension is the engine that drives your story and hence the plot.

Okay, that's just to establish why these things are important. In your story, both of the major characters, Violet and Stan, have goals, the goals matter, and they face obstacles. We learn these fairly early in the story, which helps to establish tension and keep the plot alive.

In terms of these basic elements, this story does a good job. Eventually, Violet realizes her goal (although in an unexpected and delightful way) and we're left to infer that Stan does as well--at least, he's resigned his job, thus getting red of the stress that had been troubling him (his goal).

Violet's bashfulness and Stan feeding a stray cat also help to make both characters relatable and engage the readers in ways that will make them want to cheer for both protagonists.

The characters are the strongest feature of this story.

Plot
Violet has a crush on Stan. An unexpected accident frustrates her goal of a relationship with him. Stan is stressed by his job and, later, by being haunted by a ghost. He quits his job and his pastor helps with an exorcism (of sorts), which in the end gives both Violet and Stan what they wanted. In nice little "just so" story. The goals and obstacles mesh nicely for both characters, as does the resolution. This story has excellent plotting.

Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of both of the primary characters; in fact, the author knows everything. This is evident because we know the internal thoughts of both Violet and Stan.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

In third person limited, for each scene the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

Novels can and usually do have more than one POV character. Short stories, however, generally have only one. The reason is that each shift in POV requires the reader to adjust, moving from one character to another. This adjustment takes time and effort, both by the author and the reader. The length of a short story, being, well, short, makes it harder to have multiple points of view.

I often recommend that authors consider settling on a single point of view when writing a short story. However, sometimes it's true that the plot or other considerations require more than one POV--Faulkner's "A Rose For Emily" being an example.

It's in the nature of this story that you might want to break it into two segments--the first in Violet's head and the second in Stan's. It's more or less already done that way--except there's a short scene in the pastor's head. However, in both segments I'd recommend more attention be given to putting the reader in the POV character's head. I already suggested how to do this in the opening paragraph above. I'd recommend considering something similar to put the reader in Stan's head for the second segment, probably at the funeral but possibly at the fatefufl phone call. In any case, the transition to the new point of view has to be clear, and probably marked by an extra line feed or even three centered *** or ### marks.

Scene/Setting
You've done a good job setting the scene, with active descriptors that help to stimulate the readers' imaginations. However, as noted above, you do this largely through declarative sentences that feel like the narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader stuff. If you could convey the same information in a more subjective way, putting the reader inside the POV character's head, these would be far more effective. The information doesn't change, just a relatively minor tweak to the presentation can make all the difference.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

All of my suggestions for this story are based on the idea of the guided dream. The story fundamentals--character, tension, plot--are all excellent. Where I've suggested changes, it's been with an eye to enhancing the readers' connections to the POV character and hence to the fictional world, i.e., to enhance that fictional dream playing in their heads.

BTW, I'm definately a cat person, so I especially loved this story.

This is a fine story that shows a real talent for character and plot. Thank you for sharing, and do keep in writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

His touch is so soft and warm, she thought.My Comment: It’s correct to use italics, as you have here, when quoting an internal thought. However, the italics alone are sufficient, and almost all editors will eschew the “she thought” tag.

"My number is escaping me," she said softly. My Comment: This is one of those adverbs I mentioned. Instead of said softly, she might have muttered, or murmured, or whispered, each having more precise meanings.

She's gone! Tears formed in Stan's eyes as he realized the gravity of the situation.My Comment: We’ve been in violet’s head up until now, but here we’re suddenly in Stan’s head with no transition. This hop--from one character's head to another's--risks losing the readers unless the transition is clearer.

Pastor Quinn arrived at the pitch-black office. "Violet, if you're here, turn on the flashlight," he said.My Comment: Notice that only Pastor Quinn is in this brief scene. The omniscient narrator tells us what happens. You might consider having Stan accompany him, or simply have Pastor Quinn describe to Stan, in a subsequent scene, what transpired. I wouldn’t recommend a third POV character unless the character arc for the Pastor somehow fit the arcs for the other two characters. As it stands, Quinn doesn’t have a character arc—he doesn’t change as result of the events in the story, unlike Violet and Stan.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4708555

Review of The Name’s Daisy

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Name’s Daisy"

by Amethyst Angel🌸📝🪽

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I enjoy crime fiction and have even written a few, so of course I liked this piece. The mystery is satisfying, and the characters are all credible. Daisy, in particular, is easy to cheer for. Overall, a nice story, and well-written, too!

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This is a pretty good opening. You name your POV character--always a challenge in first person narratives--estalbish the POV, and answer the basic who/what/when/where questions. We learn at once that this will be about a murder, and we even gets bits about what kinds of cases Daisy won't take, which establishes her as a sympathetic character.

I have one minor tweak to suggest. Instead of starting with Eliza speaking, I'd consider starting with Daisy's phone waking her up--or at least getting her attention as she was deciding whether to get up. It's also likely she'd be answering her mobile phone, so she could read the caller ID--it'd probably be for Bobby rathar than Eliza, unless Eliza is calling her mobile phone. In any case, I'd consider setting the scene and putting us in Eliza's head before anyone speaks.

Starting with a disembodied voice speaking is generally not a good idea since we don't know who is speaking and who is hearing the voice. If you start as suggested above, you've already put the reader in Daisy's head and so there's no question that she's the one hearing the voice on the phone.

Plot
A good plot, with a lazy detective whose ego is easily bruised. We see Daisy's imperfections in action as she alienates him instead of enlisting him as her partner, which causes him to impede her investigation.

You got many details correct here. For example, a defense attorney can't generlly get access to an active crime scene, so she can't "investigate." She *could* conceivably get supervised access if the police consent, which is why it was dumb for her alienate the detective. Dumb, but understandable, and it adds to the plot that she's now boxed out. Of course, she could also force things later through a judge's order, but that's after Eliza's been arraigned.

Once the police release the crime scene, of course she can "investigate" to her heart's content, but she'd need the permission of the estate. Since Bill and the mother are living there, they might have a say, too. Getting clothes for Eliza to wear at the arraignment is a good excuse, but Bill or the mother could do that and reasonably deny access. I'm presuming that Eliza and her husband jointly owned the property, so Eliza could grant Daisy permission to enter except for those parts of the property where Bill and the mother lived and, probably, to the actual scene of the crime, i.e., the room where the murder happened. That would likely be taped off with yellow police tape and possibly guarded by an officer. An officer might guard entrance to the entire house, as a courtesy to the people who live there, but whether they could deny her access to the dwelling after Daisy granted consent is questionable. It might take a judge's order to vacate that (except that access to the room where the murder took place would likely still be restricted).

More on procedures...I think it would be stronger if Daisy said up front that she was looking for something for Eliza to wear at her arraignment. This would be an ordinary errand, and would only involve going to the master bedroom. It would excuse looking in dresser drawers and other things that Daisy does, and wouldn't impinge on the actual crime scene, which is likely taped off.

I also think it would be stronger to emphasize all the clues she's winnowed out of Bill's Facebook pages. That would include multiple check-ins at various casinos, for example, check-ins being one of the annoying violations of privacy that FB is delighted to do automatically. Anyway, this gives Daisy an array of reasons to start looking. I think addressing the issues of permissions would also be helpful.

These are minor details--ones that only occured to me because I've lately been writing my own polic procedurals. Minor, but this kind of detail could add some verisimilitude.

Style and Voice
First person, in Daisy's head. no slips or head-hops.

Scene/Setting
I made a few comments in the line-by-line remarks below. Nothing major. I would set the scene of the crime with more detail when Daisy first arrives: the chalk outline, maybe an over-turned end table and a broken lamp, establishing that there'd been a struggle. You mention much later that the room was a "mess," which is one reason to describe when she first encounters it.

Characters
Daisy is awesome. Impetuous, smart, agressive. I liked her a lot. The obdurate detective is the right mix of officious bully with oversized and easily bruised ego. Her reporter friend makes for a good foil. We only glimpse her somewhat ditzy client, but a nice job there, too.

Grammar

Commas.

I thought I saw some comma errors. I'm terrible with commas, so I won't try to point them out. Instead, here's a great reference:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_c...
I've read it, and they're still a mystery to me. I did see one or two spots where you used a comma with a compound predicate, usually not required.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a fine story, with a good plot and nice tension. Daisy's goals are clear, the stakes are high, and the obstacles great. She overcomes them all, even the ones she imposed herself. She shows character growth by letting her reporter friend constrain her inclination to berate the detective at the end.

Thanks for sharing! This was a fun read!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Detective Lenny Stewart greeted me brusquely. My Comment: It’s clear from his words that he’s being “brusque,” so the adverb doesn’t really add anything. Now, if you described his facial expression or tone, it would be different.

There had been a struggle, that was obvious by the mess in the room,My Comment: Would have been better to mention this when she entered room, but we didn’t get much scene setting at that point. You did mention the chalk outline, but that’s about it.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

28

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4706466

Review of More Than A Million Dreams

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "More Than A Million Dreams "

by Sumojo

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I liked this story quite a bit. The premise is both timely and chilling. Lilia's tormented scream outside the University, where she says "we don't need you" (meeaning the AI that has taken over her world) is pretty scary, and--I think--summarizes the point of the story. For story-as-metaphor, this is a great piece.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

I know I've mentioned this in reviews before...but it's still relevant. The first three paragraphs offer an awesome (if chilling) panorama of the sleeping city. It's the kind of shot that can be so effective at the start of a movie, where the camera serves as the eye of the audience.

But in written fiction, there is no camera. Everything happens in the imagination of the reader. That imagination is best stimulated by putting the reader into the head of a point-of-view character. In this story, that would be Lilia.

Now, if your lead sentence had been something like, "Lilia walked the silent streets of the city, loneliness her only companion." That little sentence would establish her as the person *seeing* the description that follows, and makes all the difference. If you added a sensation it would help even more to solidify her point of view. So, for example, one more sentence like, "The knowledge that she was the only waking soul amoung the millions sent a chill rippling down her spine." With those two sentences--or soemthing similar--you'd put the readers in her head. Now the readers will see those three opening paragraphs as being tinged with her emotional reactions as she takes in the city.

It's a small, almost inconsequential change, but by personalizes the descriton it makes all the difference in terms emotional energy.

Plot
Love the plot! Lilia's alone and confronted with a puzzle and a challenge. She's seeking a solution...and eventually finds it.

Style and Voice
See above. I didn't flag anything but the opening, but there are other places where a minor tweek would change an author intrusion into Lilia's thoughts or observations.

Referencing
Good job establishing the modern era...which makes the story even creepier!

Scene/Setting
Good descriptions throughout. Again, a minor tweek here and there to emphasize it's Lilia seeing these things. I would NOT write "Lilia saw...", though. Instead, I'd have her react to things she sees.

Characters
Lilia is a character with a goal: get everyone else to wake up! The stakes are pretty obvious. The obstacle is, of course, AIDEN. (Clever name, that.) Goals and obstacles provide conflict. THe stakes are why the outcome of the conflict matters. So you've got all the elments you need for a killer plot.

There's a nice synergy between Lilia's goal and the metaphor implicit in the plot, so good work there, too.

Grammar
I didn't seen anything to complain about.

Just my personal opinion

This is a fine story. It's well-conceived, with the theme, the character arc, the plot all converging nicely in a single, unified metaphor. My only suggestions are minor tweeks to firm up the point of view.

Good job!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Her eyes closed before two million gigabytes of digital memory started to upload.My Comment: Just a question…she’s downloading those memories from AIDEN to her head, right? Not uploading her memories TO AIDEN. Or am I misunderstanding? Or maybe it's one of those "proper English" vs "US English" things. You know what they say, the UK and US are two nations separated by a common language.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

29

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4705031

Review of Chapter 1(Lost in Starlight)

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. Thank you for asking me to read your chapter. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Chapter 1(Lost in Starlight)"

by Silvia Romerez

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This chapter has two parts, and I enjoyed both. The first introduces the main character, Larcia as a young adult. In the second, we meet Larcia as a young child in a dream sequence that also provides what I assume will be the inciting incident for the novel.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Of course, an opening needs to orient the reader by answering at least some of the who/what/when/where questions. Your opening does all of this ably, including naming your protagonist.

Your opening is also your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

For various reasons, including point-of-view (see below), I think your opening could use some tweaking. More on that in a bit.

Plot
This opening chapter launches two plot lines. Larcia the glamorous rock star and Larcia the sad little girl. Both are intriguing, and raise inevitable connections about how they connect, thus helping to hook the readers.

One cautionary word about the dream/flashback sequence. Either or both of these can be valuable items in an author's toolbox, but care should be taken in deploying them. In particular, in a first chapter readers are just learning about the characters and the fictional world they inhabit. That connection is fragile and takes a while to solidify. It's almost always too much to ask to them break with the first here-and-now and jump to a new one, either in a dream or flashback, in a first chapter.

In fact, I could see either of these parts as a stand-alone first chapter. The second half, in particular, feels like an inciting incident for the novel. I did peek at the second chapter, and I see it continues with snake/little girl story. So, I'm wondering if the first chapter should be just that incident by itself.

Hook
The hook usually occurs at the end of the chapter. The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

You end with dilemma--a talking snake!--so you've got an awesome hook.

Style and Voice
This is kind of a mixed bag.

In the first few paragraphs, we have an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, looking in. This isn't the best way to bring readers into the story--to create the "fictional dream" that I mentioned above.

In the fourth paragraph, where Larcia emits an exasperated sigh, we're *inside* Larcia's head. From that point, there's no longer an omniscient narrator standing outside the story, we're inside the story in Larcia's head. That's a lot more effective. So, my first suggestion for the chapter is to re-work those first three paragraphs to put them in Larcia's head.

I know that you'll find omniscient narrators in a lot of classical fiction. They even were pretty common in the 80s. But they've all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. It's more than just a passing fad--there are good reasons for this having to do with the fictional dream.

The second half of the story is pretty much in Larcia's head (I'm assuming she's the "little girl" of the dream). The main suggestion there is to personalize the dream by naming her.

Scene/Setting
Both parts of the chapter to a good job of setting the scene. My only suggestion here has to do with phrases like "a little girl was visible" or "a sound was heard." These are passive voice, which put the readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want active readers who imagine the ficitonal world based on cues you provide. Since, for the most part, we're in Larcia's head, readers will infer that she's the one seeing and hearing things, so you can just say a little girl was on the hill, or "a woman shrieked."

Characters
We get some depth on Larcia in the first part, in particular her exasperation and her affection for her fans. In the second part, we learn that Larcia feels rejected by her parents. This gives her a goal--to find acceptance--and insight into her affection for her fans. Nice job here with showing character and depth.

Grammar
I found a couple of minor typos to whine about. Nothing major.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Overall, I found this to be an interesting first chapter. Larcia--in both sections--is a relatable character that readers will want to cheer for. She's a little stronger character in the second half, since she has a goal (respect and love from her parents) and obstacles (they don't seem to care about her). The stakes are high, as well, since parental love is surely critical to a child's well-being. Goals, stakes, and obstacles create tension, and that's the engine that drives your story.

Anyway, you've got an intriguing and original concept, and a good start. Keep writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

After the award ceremony was over, she bid her fans goodbye and again tried her best to put the perfect 'her' in front of them, got into her car and let out an exasperated sigh.My Comment: Here’s the first place we’re in her head.

As she fell asleep, through a cluster of clouds as they departed, a little girl was visible, lying on a hill with her hands resting behind her head, basking in the sun and gazing up at the sky.My Comment: If I’m reading this correctly, this launches what is both a dream and a flashback.

The little girl knew very well about what it was.My Comment: We have a “girl” and a “little girl,” although they are both children. I’m guessing that the “little girl” is Larcia and other girl is her sister. I’d strongly suggest using their names here, if for no other reason than to help readers tell them apart in the narrative. Knowing the “little girl’s” name will also help the readers identify with her and get inside her head.

straight into it's eyesMy Comment: typo.—“it’s” is a contraction for “it is.” The possessive of it is its—no apostrophe

As the snake slipped outside, the girl in her mother's arms burst into tears as her mother sat their comforting her.My Comment: typo: sat *there*

She jumped to her feet and was about to run away when the snake suddenly.............spoke. Yes, you read right and this ain't no Harry Potter s*** let me tell you.My Comment: The snake speaking is a good hook—one that will make the readers want to turn the page to the next chapter to see what will happen.
However, the final sentence breaks the fourth wall. It reminds the readers that the story is an artifice, that there is a narrator telling them the story. In doing so, it breaks their fragile connection with the here-and-now of the story and the fictional world. For this reason, I’d consider omitting it.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

30

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4698999

Review of White Elephant

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "White Elephant"

by jamisonbrown

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is a lovely story, well-written, with a heart-warming ending. Thank you for sharing.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. In this one, you start with the inciting incident and orient the reader by answering enough of the who/what/when/where/why questions to ground the reader and launch the narrative.

I do wish that you'd found a way to name your narrator. This is always a challenge when using first-person point-of-view, but knowing the name of the character helps to draw readers into his head and hence into the story.

In the course of the first four paragraphs, we learn that he's at work, at a white-elephant gift exchange, and the item he's selected belongs a co-worker's grandmother who is now it a rest home. You've packed a lot of information into these paragraph, and done so in a way that flows naturally, so good job on that.

My mental image did go through several changes in these paragraphs, though, before finally landing on the "right" one. For example, the lead sentence implies that finding the right gift for his wife will be important in the story--but he never mentions his wife again. So, I think the opening could be tweaked in a couple of ways.

First, I'd try to find a way to name him in the first couple of sentences. Second, I'd have the eyeglass case be in the first sentence, maybe glittering amid the other junk in the white elephant gift exchange. If he's drawn to it in the first sentence, that dovetails with the ending where he says "it found me."

Style and Voice
First person. No slips. This provides a certain intimacy, although you can do the same thing with skillful third person limited and eliminate some of the challenges inherent in first person narrations.

Scene/Setting
Scene setting should, at a minimum, let you tell where the characters are in relation to each other as they interact. That's missing in the opening, for example. It's not an essential feature, but it would be helpful if you could sneak it in. Later, in the restaurant and in the rest home, you do a good job with this. However, in the grandmother's room, we don't know what else is there besides the eyeglasses (and the grandmother, of course). since it's a memory therapy room, I'd expect there to be photographs of her family displayed--or not, if she's neglected. Either way, filling in the detail of what *else* is in the room could be a touch that advances plot and/or character. It could be as few as two or three words.

Characters
I tend to think of characters having goals and facing obstacles. The stakes involve what bad thing happens if they don't achieve their goals. At the outset, the POV character seems to have a goal of finding a gift for his wife, but this isn't mentioned again in the story. Instead, he finds his goal two-thirds of the way through the story when he finds the note.

A modest change could involve the suggestion above, where the glittering case catches his eye. He acquires it, thinking it's useless. Maybe he can give it to his wife. That transforms his goal to one involving a purpose for acquiring the case. The obstacle is that there's no obvious purpose. When he finds the note, the goal changes and the stakes escalate, increasing tension. Tension is what drives your story.

So, the modest suggestion I made about the opening rears its head again, this time to increase tension. Learning that the grandmother suffers from memory loss increases the tension again--will it matter that he's returning the case? You don't have to make any of this explicit in the story--the string of events are there in the story already, but these little changes could embellish them.

Grammar
I didn't find any grammar errors to whine about. Good job!

Just my personal opinion
I liked this story quite a lot. I've made a couple of ways you might tweek it to enhance the emotional impact, but it's quite effective as it stands. It's well-written, has good tension, and a satisfying release at the end. Thanks for sharing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Usually I have a few line-by-line comments, but nothing stood out here except good writing!!

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

31

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4698070

Review of The End of Summer

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The End of Summer"

by Bobby Lou Stevenson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
Hard to say I exactly *enjoyed* this, but it's certainly a timely commentary on the cruel political hysteria in the US against certain minorities.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening paragraph answers the who/what/when/where questions, and the second paragraph answers the "why." Carl is the protagonist, and you name him as well. Part of the point here, of course, is the final paragraph, which can't be in Carl's POV, so instead you've chosen a third person omniscient narrator. More on this in a bit.

Plot
Carl faces a cruel punishment for a deed that doesn't merit a death sentence. The depths of the cruelty become apparent in the details of the execution.

Style and Voice
This is third person omniscient, as is evident from the first paragraph. I understand why Carl can't be the POV character, but I think it might be more appropriate if someone else--perhaps the mayor--provided the POV. After all, the mayor chose the "less painful" method of execution, so perhaps he had some doubts about the severity of the sentence. He could see Carl's eyes roll and perhaps see horror in their depths as his head is displayed. He could also see Sweetpea at the end, the only creature to mourn for Carl. Adding his POV, perhaps even making this a first person narrator, would make this more personal and intimate. That intimacy would make the cruelty and malice even more horrifying.

Referencing
Given the means of execution, this is probably not a modern era--but it might be a near future era. However, leaving the era indeterminate increases the power of the story as metaphor, so I think I'd leave this aspect unchnaged.

Scene/Setting
Good details throughout

Characters
Since we've got an omniscient narrator, there's not a lot of chance to understand the emotions in the story. That's one reason I suggested a first person narrator. It might be the mayor, especially since Sweetpea belongs to him. It could be anyone who, at the end, senses the cruetly of the punishment. It might even be an innocent child who doesn't understand what he did. The cruetly and spectacle are, of course, the point of this kind of thing.

Grammar
A typo here and there, but no real complaints. Good job!

I did notice several instances of passive voice. That takes the edge off of the events of the story. It's people who do thses ghastly things to a fellow human being. Show them doing it. Show their delight in their cruelty.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I can't say I *liked* this story, but it did an effective job of making its point. The connection with real-world events will be obvious to readers--except, of course, those most in need of it.

Thanks for writing this, as well as for sharing it. Do keep writing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

and rat infested confinement, My Comment: suggest rat-infested, with a hyphen

Summer was taken to the village square where,My Comment: passive voice, which puts readers in a passive, receptive mood. Instead, you want them to be actively imagining the events in the here-and-now. Thus, I’d name the who takes him to the square and show their demeanor.

Summer was strapped prone to a wooden plankMy Comment: Again, *people* strapped him to the plank. Personalize the cruelty to make it more intimate and immediate.

Caution was taken to insure he would not suffer injury as his head was secured in place with a pillory.My Comment: I’d have the people securing his head tell him why they are doing it—they might even tell him they’re doing it so he’ll be able to see his headless body after the fact.

The blade release lever was disengaged.My Comment: more passive voice….also the executioner probably wore a hood, which is an indication that the people doing these things are at least partly aware of the cruelty.

t is possible, in those briefest of seconds, he might have seen My Comment: Here, I’d have the POV character—assuming there is one--*imagine* these things happening. This is stronger than the “might haves” that are in this paragraph. When the head is held aloft, he can see the mouth open in a silent scream, and see the eyes roll in horror.

Ultimately, Summer was stripped nakedMy Comment: Again, more passive voice. People do these awful things to a fellow human being. Show them doing it. Show their gleeful laughter and vengeful cries while blood runs down their arms.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

32

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4696553

Review of Layla- Chapter 1

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Layla- Chapter 1"

by cfish

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

I see that you've just joined WDC, so I'd like to add my personal welcome. This is a great place to post your work, to read other authors, and make new friends, both professional and personal. It's also a great place to learn and grow as an author. There are contests, places where you can learn about craft, informative newsletters, and much more. It can be kind of overwhelming for a newcomer, so if you have questions, don't hesitate to drop me a note.

Again, welcome to WDC. I hope your time here is as satisfying as mine has been.

What I liked best
I like scary stories, and this one promises to fit the bill!!! Layla is already scary, and Ellie is a character readers will want to cheer for.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

In your opening, you name your point-of-view character, Ellie, and start in the middle of action. She's at a yard sale, shopping for something to add to her collection, and a vintage doll attracts her attention. These are all things that go into a good opening.

I do have some suggstions, though. For one thing, I'm not clear how old Ellie is. She's young enough she has to get her mother's permission to make a purchase, but she apparently has her own money since it seemed to me she paid for the doll. On the other hand, she has a "vintage collection." That choice of words suggests that she's at least a mid-teen, maybe older. Laster she fixes her own breakbast, which again suggests she's older, but that age doesn't quite fit with her asking permission to make the purchase. I'm sure YOU know her age, but it would be helpful for the reader to know.

Also, I *inferred* she was at a yard sale, but the text never made that clear. You could just have her think something like "most of the junk was typical of yard sales," but there are other clues you could insert. Items at yard sales often have price tags attached. There are usually other bargain seekers around,too. A touch more description of the scene might be nice, too. You could describe the house or the yard in ways that give a haunted house vibe, or have something unsettling happen.

Overall, the opening is pretty good, and it puts the reader in Ellie's head, but could use a touch more clarity on Ellie's age and maybe some details on the location.

Plot
Layla's an evil doll. A classic plot, but it's classic because it resonates with fears and folktales. Voodoo dolls and Chuckie movies are part of our culture, and you can bring your own twist to the basic idea. Like Frankenstien, haunted evil dolls provide endless plot ideas for authors.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Ellies bruises don't exactly fit one of these, but are a combination of dilemma and disaster. In any case, you have a good hook that will keep the pages turning.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Ellie's head. No slips or head-hops. GOod job.

Scene/Setting
Sufficient for staging--I can tell where all the characters are in relation to each other. However, the scenes are all pretty sparse. It's not like you need a lot--in fact, just the opposite. But having Ellie *interact* with or *react to* elements of the scene can help form her character. In her bedroom, for example, maybe she adjusts the alignment of something in her collection by a smidgen to the left, or frowns and polishes dust off one of them. Does she make her bed or leave it in dissarray? Little details like this add verisimilitude to the narrative *and* deepen character.

Similarly, when she inspects Layla maybe she finds a mark on the porcelain. "666" would be too obvious, but something sinister like a black raven stamped on the back of the doll's neck would be a sinister touch.

Characters
Kurt Vonnegut said that every character should have a goal, even if it's just to get a drink of water.

Ellie's only goal has been to add to her "vintage collection." Well, she's got more--she wants to learn more about Layla, since she does a Google search. For now, that's a sufficient goal, although you might consider giving it a bit more stress.

In order for readers to care about the goal, something bad needs to happen if Ellie doesn't achieve her goal. That's the stakes involved getting--or not getting--what she wants. Right now, there are no stakes except satisfying her curiosity. I'd suggest that she try to search the provenance of the doll and the story the cashier told her--she could be searching for the history of the family. That would mean that you'd need to mention the name of the family earier--perhaps there's a sign that says "Munster Family Estate Sale" or whatever name you give them. (Maybe Winkless, for the connection to the Chuckie franchise.)

In addition to goals and stakes, there needs to be obstacles to Ellie achieving her goal. I'd do something to suggest that Layla is the obstacle. For example, maybe while Ellie is Googling, she hears a strange noise and Layla flops onto the floor, interrupting her search. That makes Layla the obstacle. Since Layla is obviously going to be the obstacle moving forward, you'd be foreshadowing the conflict. Layla is apparently already damaging Ellie, so that raises the stakes of Ellie learning more about Layla.

Goals and obstacles give rise to conflict. The outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. The combination of the three gives rise to tension, which is the engine that propels your novel. Increasing obstacles, raising the stakes, broadening the goals are all ways to add tension as the novel progresses.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

Most of the line-by-line comments that follow involve tweaks to enhance this "fictional dream" aspect of the chapter. The general outline of the chapter, the characters, and premise are all promising and provide a good start to what promises to be a scary novel.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

She grabbed the doll and quickly walked My Comment: This is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations I mentioned above. A more precise verb is almost always better. Perhaps she trotted, or jogged, or strode. Lots of choices.

"if it's over 10 bucks then forget it"My Comment: Most style guides will recommend writing out whole numbers between one and one hundred. See, for example, Paragraph 9.2 of the Chicago Manual of Style.

she said whilst hugging her.My Comment: You must be from the UK? “whilst” is not common in US English, although Ellie is clearly from the US since her mother says “ten bucks.”

Ellie walked towards an old lady,My Comment: could you describe her in greater detail, and in a way that lets the reader infer she’s old? Engaging the reader’s imagination in this way helps to draw them into the story.

Her wrinkled face plastered with nervousness.My Comment: As above, you’re telling us she’s nervous as opposed to showing it. Maybe her face pales, or she avoids looking at Ellie, or her voice has a quaver.

I currently don't have a doll in my collection." Ellie said while smiling at the doll.My Comment: “Doll” appears in successive sentences. Repeating words and phrases like this runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. For example, Ellie might be smiling at “her find” instead of the “doll.”

"Well," The lady hesitated. "She was a family heirloom, passed down generation after generation. My Comment: Here, I know what you’re doing, but this feels like telegraphing instead of foreshadowing. You might consider instead having Ellie ask about the history of the doll, and the old lady saying it has a tragic history. For example, she might say her “Great-great-grandmother lost her parents and siblings, the poor thing.” Then she could go on and say “some people” said she murdered them, but I never believed that.” I’d turn this into an interesting anecdote about the provenance of the doll, and one of uncertain validity.

she ended up having a really crazy episode one day and killed her two siblings and her parents. My Comment: So she was crazy, murdered her parents and siblings, but then later—instead of being in prison or a madhouse—apparently married the woman’s great-great-grandfather and left the doll to her daughter. Sorry, this isn’t a credible tale. But see above—I’d soften this into a tall tale that the woman doesn’t really believe. Especially this detail feels like a step too far to me.

It was her routine to do research on any new item she added to her shelf, even if it was little.My Comment: Author intrudes to state a fact. Readers will figure out what she’s doing—especially given the tall tale she heard about Layla

Ellie typed in the description of the porcelain doll and clicked search.My Comment: A google search for “antique porcelain dolls” has over eleven million hits. It’s more likely whatever she entered as a description, she’d have too many, not too few. I’d also suggest you tell us what she typed If I add “with raven mark” to the search, it just gets worse with overe thirty-eight million results.

"What is going on?" Ellie said nervously.My Comment: Another of those weak verb/adverb combination. Here, you should show her being nervous by giving her a physical reaction—maybe an electric tingle jittering down her back. She might also mutter or murmur instead of “said.”

As Ellie woke up she felt like she had been hit by a brick. My Comment: Later we learn her muscles ache, which is a better description since it’s more specific.

As she walked into the living room, there she was. Layla was in the hands of these little boys. My Comment: “these little boys” are her cousins. Surely she’d recognize them, especially as her Aunt has been repeatedly hanging out with Ellie’s mom as she fights with her husband. If they are going to reappear, name them now.

Ellie had a younger brother, My Comment: name him… and where is he?

"They were arguing and needed something to play with so I gave it to them."My Comment: It was on a shelf in her room, right? So they went into her room, while she was asleep, and got the doll?

Her mother slowly dragged herself up the stairs. My Comment: Another adverb. “Dragged” is a perfectly good verb, but she can’t “quickly” drag herself, so it doesn’t add anything. Also, Ellie is in her room, so she can’t see this. All she can do think her mother is taking forever to answer her call.

glanced at her in terror.My Comment: Given the context, she’d be “staring” instead of “glancing.” Also, show her being terrified instead of telling the reader she’s terrified. Her eyes could bulge, her face could pale, for example.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

33

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4695807

Review of Clouds in the sky of life, Chap 3

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Clouds in the sky of life, Chap 3"

by Lucinda Lynx

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
THings are coming to a head with the arrival of Janice.

Opening
As I've mentioned before, it would be better if you started Bruce's scene by putting the reader in his head. The best way to do this is by having him interact with this surroundings, either directly or through his senses. For example, where is he when the doorbell rings? Is he with Connie? Does he hear her day, "I"ll get it" or words to that effect? We need to know where he is beyond the name of the town--he's at home, right? Upstairs? Downstairs? In the parlor? What's he doing? establish the scene.

Plot

As the scene progresses, Connie screams, Bruce rushes to the front door, he finds Connie unconscious on the floor. Instead of checking on her, he proceeds to have a casual conversation with the stranger at the door. More realisitically he'd want to care for his wife, make her comfortable inside, etc, before shaking hands with the stranger.

Then, with no indication that he recognizes Janice, he leaves his unconcious and helpless wife in her care and runs upstairs for no apparent reason. Once there, he has a conversation with Duncan. In that conversation, he apparently describes the woman as "unknown," and *Duncan* says it's his sister-in-law. So, this looks like a little glitch.

you can see where I have problems here, although they are all easy to fix with a bit more exponsition.

THe second scene involves Connie waking up and learning the purpose of Janice's visit. this scene, while equally short, works better. It runs through who will be coming to the engangement party and indicates that a disaster is pending, which is a good hook. My problem (and it's MY problem) is that it's been a couple of weeks since I read chapter two, so I've forgotten the details. This is an artifact of being a reader of a novel-in-progress called "reviewer lag," where the reviewer has forgotten what happened in prior chapters. Ordinary readers won't be subject to this kind of lag.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to remind the readers WHY this party will be a disaster, maybe by indicating the "serious conversations" Connie needs to have with Bruce.

Style and Voice
First person, first in Bruce's head, then in Connie's. In both cases, I think you need a bit more action at the very start to put the readers firmly inside the POV character's head.

Scene/Setting
This is a short chapter, with two short scenes. They both have good action within them, but little-to-nothing in the way of scene setting. I almost always complain about this in reviews, but here the setting is especially sparse. You don't need to go on in paragraph-after-paragraph setting the scene, but a bit would help immerse the reader in your fictional world.

Just as an example, when Bruce and Janice carry Connie to the sofa, you might describe her dress flopping about, maybe exposing her bloomers. Maybe they have to maneuver around a table, and a vase of fresh-cut flowers teeters when they brush against it. Or maybe Lucifurr, the pet cat, sniffs around. Whatever, imaagine yourself as Bruce (since he's the POV character), and think about what he'd see and feel as he puts his hands under his wife's arms and drags her to the sofa.

Once she's settled on the sofa, I'd expect he'd kneel at her side and stroke her hair, or check her pulse, or do something to show he cares for her. Janice is doing something too, even if it's just standing there with her hands on her hips, so capturing her reaction--as seen by Bruce--is useful. It also helps to inform us whether he knows who she is.

Finally, we need a reason he abandons his wife and runs upstairs.

Characters
We've been in the heads of both POV characters before, so they're familiar. That doesn't mean you don't need to put us *back* in those heads--see above.

Connie's actions make sense, but Bruce's seem peculiar. They need some kind of explanation in the text--not a narrative explanation, but an explanation in terms of his thoughts and sensations. In particular, I'd expect panic when he sees Connie flat on her back after hearing her scream.

Just my personal opinion
As I've commented before, you've got a great plot going here, and this short chapter twists the knot a bit tighter. Since the chapter is short, there's plenty of room to expand it along the lines I mentioned above.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

I don't really have line-by-line comments for you. As an aside, it would be a bit easier to read if you double-spaced between paragraphs, but that's pretty trivial.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

34

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4695017

Review of What We Fight For

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. My name is Max. I read ayour story because you requested reviews in your newsfeed. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "What We Fight For"

by Jeremy

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is an exceptional story about the horros and realities of war. It humanizes the warriors involved on both sides. You've packed it with action, tension, and vivid images, and it's got a powerful ending. Thanks for sharing.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Overall, you're opening does a good job. It names the POV character, starts in the middle of action, and orients the reader in time and space. I do have some tweaks to suggest--see the line-by-line comments befow--but overall this is a good opening.

Plot
Olek, the POV character, has become separated from his squad and now a sniper has him pinned down. Lots of tension as bullets fly and Olek contemplates his odds of escaping.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Olek's head. Well, mostly in Olek's head, but there are a few places where the author intrudes to tell the readers stuff. See the line-by-line remarks below.

Scene/Setting
Really good work here, with some especially telling and even poignant descriptions.

Characters
Mostly Olek and the sniper. We encounter both through their words and deeds and--at the end--with what was closest to the sniper's heart. The members of Olek's squad also add to the overall theme of the story with their words and deeds at the end.

Grammar

Repeated Words.

Repeating a word or phrase runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. I found at least one such instance in the copy--see the line-by-line remarks.

Verbs

As a general rule, I'd avoid sentences where the main verb is a form of "to be." These declamatory sentences can almost always be improved by finding a more active verb. For one example, at one point you tell is "his throat was dry from dust and smoke..." Well, how about "The dust and sm;oke had scoured his throat dry..." There are a few other examples in the line-by-line remarks below.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This story has lots of tension, a character readers will instinctively want to cheer for, and important themes about war. It's a really fine story, well-constructed, and poignant.

You said you wanted it polished for a contest, so I've given you some detailed comments below. These are just one person's suggestions, and I've certainly been pretty nit-picky in some of my comments. Please take them in the spirit in which they are offered--suggestions that might make a good story even better. Use what you find helpful, and disregard the rest, always keeping in mind that this is a really good story as it stands.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

The first shot exploded into the wall where Oleksander’s head had been moments before. A plume of dust and concrete rained on his helmet like war zone confetti. Seconds later more shots ate into the concrete slab he sheltered behind. Oleksander slid his back down the rubble barrier, chest heaving. He tilted his helmeted head back against the ruined concrete and closed his eyes. His breaths were fast and short. His rifle was clenched to his chest, finger trembling on the trigger.My Comment: Pretty good opening paragraph up to the final two sentences. The first is a statement where the main verb is a form of “to be.” It would be better to end with the breaths being more active, even if they just “came in short short, shallow bursts.” The second uses passive voice. Again, an active verb is better, so “he clenched his rifle” is stronger than “his rivle was clenched…”

Another suggestion involves the first sentence. It’s got good, active verbs, but it’s also got a tiny time-reversal. If you start with Oleksander doing or sensing (or both) before ducking his head down, you’ll establish his point-of-view and retain the natural order of events in the here-and-now. For example, you might have his gaze probe the ruins for signs of his platoon before ducking back behind the rubble, or he might see the smoking remains of the tank they’d taken out earlier. That establishes he's alone. Or, he might heave a deep breath to calm his thumping heart and scrunch lower behind a heap oi rubble. Once you’ve established the POV, then everything on the page is arguably something he’s sensed or thought, and your off to the races.

Finally, the “war zone confetti” is an awesome phrase, but the “like” weakens it—makes it feel like an author intrusion. If it stands alone, as a fragment, and if you’ve established Oleksander’s POV, readers will see it as his internal thought, adding power to this great description.

A primitive growl escaped his throat and he screamed out, My Comment: You used “throat” two sentences ago. Suggest “lips” here.

It was heavily-accented. Russian. My Comment: “It carried the heavy accents of Russian…” Or did you mean that the soldier is not a native Russian speaker, or that he speaks with a provincial accent? I get that you’re establishing the nationalities of the combatants, but this is tiny bit ambiguous, plus it’s another sentence where the main verb is a form of “to be.”

. How long had he been watched?My Comment: Passive voice…”How long had this jerk been watching him…”

The eerie creek of a lone swing set drifted along the smokey air. It was a fitting juxtaposition.My Comment: Awesome detail. I’d omit the editorial comment about the juxtaposition.

At only nineteen, Oleksander still retained some of his youthful innocence.My Comment: Here, the story stops while the author intrudes to relate back story. This is good detail, but it’s still an info-dump. The sound of the swing set, though, is an opportunity to keep it in Oleksander’s head. Consider, for example, writing, “Just a year ago, on his nineteenth birthday, he sat with his young sister on just such a swing set. Then the Russians came.” That really has all the essential information without intruding on the here-and-now. You might even have anger burn the back of this throat before he calls out to the sniper.

The thought of his family made Oleksander appeal in another way, My Comment: Info-dump over, and we return to the here-and-now.

There was a bout of laughter from across the courtyard.My Comment: Another sentence where the main verb is a form of “to be.” Maybe the laughter “bubbles” from across the courtyard, or some other verb to suggest that he’s injured. Maybe it ends in a foamy cough.

A single shot pierced the silence of the courtyard. The sound bounced and echoed off the surrounding buildings. It had been close but didn't appear to be directed at his hideout.My Comment: awesome paragraph.

It was unsettling. My Comment: Author intrusion…give Olek a reaction to show he’s unsettled.

But when Oleksander brought it closer and looked at it, it was a picture of a young girl carrying a teddy bear.My Comment: I’d omit the photo itself unless it’s a prompt for the contest.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

35

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4694167

Review of The Girl From Mile End. Ch 1.

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Girl From Mile End. Ch 1."

by Bruce.

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I enjoyed this chapter and the insight it provided to the pre-Blitz days of WWII in London. For the people in this chapter, daily life continues, even with the ever-present threat of air raids. Throughout the chapter, the sirens go off, but are false alarms. But eventually, of course, the Blitz started (officially, I think, on 7 Sep), and large-scale of bombinb of London commenced. The chapter ends at this point--an excellent cliff-hanger hook.

I also enjoyed the period UK vernacular. The risk with vernacular is readers might not understand it, but that was never the case for me here. I even caught the joke near the beginning where one of the characters says "stop your bleedingn cussing" when another uses the word "bloody."

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream. Your opening also needs to orient the readers by answering at least some of the who/what/when/where/why questions.

While your opening does the job of orienting the readers and establishing the point of view, I do think some some simple re-ordering of information would help the embed the reader in the here-and-now. it's especially useful to establish the POV as soon as possible, since the readers will experience the events through the senses and thoughts of Elsie, the first-person narrator. It also helps to set the scene, perhaps by having Elsie interact in some way with the setting, rather than starting with disembodied voices speaking.

Characters
Elsie is an awesome character. She's got a goal--to find love--and it's one that's both approrpriate for her stage in life and one that matters. She's got obstacles, too. There's the obvious big one, namely the war and the disruption it will entail. But there's her station in life and her family, her abusive uncle/father, and the general mysogeny of the time and place. Goals, stakes, and obstacles work together to create tension, which is the engine that drives plot.

Elsie is also a character readers will want to cheer for. Being an orphan certainly makes her sympathetic, and that's exacerbated by the evident inquality in how she's treated. But she doesn't complain--she's resilient and finds ways to do what she wants while avoiding conflict. She's met someone who might be the love or her life, but it remains to be seen if he's what he seems, or how the war impact their lives.

The characters, especially Elsie, promose to make the novel an exciting and engaging read.

Plot
I have the sense that Elsie's character arc will drive this plot, framed by the bigger events of the war. She's a strong character, smart, and meets the world head-on, unfraid and uncomplaining. Her character and the situation of the war brewing make this a promising start for your novel.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.
We end in disaster--the start of the Blitz and the bombing of London, seen through the experiences of Elsie. Great hook.

Style and Voice
First person, in Elsie's head.

Referencing
Lots of little details to solidify the time and place.

Scene/Setting
This is sufficient for staging--I could always tell where the characters were in relation to each other. But it's also a bit sparse. Having Elsie interact with her surroundings can reveal charaacter and advance plot, as well as orient the reader. For example, in the very start, you might have Elsie stand on tip-toes and peer ahead and reassure her friends that they're almmost to the theater's ticket box. That little bit of interaction with the queue orients the readers as to where they're at, and having her reassure her friends establishes a bit of character. It also establislhes the POV up front, which helps to put readers in her head and thus inside your fictional world.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I've made a few copmments in the line-by-line remarks below, mostly along the lines of staying in the here-and-now of ongoing events and thus keeping the readers inside the fictional dream, and hence inside the story. Things like narrated background break that connection with the here-and-now and run the risk of breaking the readers connectionn with the story and characters. These are relatively minor quibbles about craft, however. Overall, this is a strong first chapter that draws the readers in and intrduces them to a great character, Elsie. Thanks for sharing, and do keep on with her story!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

“I don’t know,” I said. “But if they are you couldn’t join anyway; you’re only sixteen.”My Comment: We don’t learn the point of view until now, in the sixth bit of dialogue…

We moved along the queue and reached the pay booth for the cinema.My Comment:…and the seventh paragraph reveals where the action is taking place…

Alice is my sister and is two years younger than me.My Comment: Here, the story stops while Elsie tells us stuff. This is important stuff, to be sure, but the way to reveal it is not through a narrated aside. Instead, it’s more intimate for the readers to reveal this kind of information through the words and deeds of the characters; that approach also keeps the action of the here-and-now at the front. Most importantly, readers don’t need this information to understand what’s happening right now, in this moment, which is another reason that it interrupts the flow of the story.

Yeah, just leave me on my own, I thought.My Comment: It’s common practice to denote internal thoughts with italics and omit “thought tags.” Since Alice is providing the first-person narration, in this case you could even omit the italics, as readers will readily infer comments like this are her thoughts. This technique is called free indirect discourse.

He was getting paranoid about air-raids and over protective towards Alice. It didn't bother me that our parent's seemed to care more about their real daughter than they did about me.My Comment: Here, we get context that makes this a perfect time for the reveal about her real parents. The bit about the keys makes one suspicious, and later the unequal treatment where her sister gets to go to bed while Elsie has to fix tea, both provide clues. But now we’d get an “aha” moment that would tie this earlier suggestions together. Her reaction is a great character reveal.

"Just bleeding run," I shouted back.My Comment: Awesome hook.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

36

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4691867

Review of Selfless

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Selfless"

by Surgec

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This story really hit home with me. It captured perfectly the despair and hopelessness I felt as my own marraige fell apart. I hope it's not autobiographical! If it is, know that life can get better, even from the depths.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You open with what I assume is a line of a text message, but it could be a line of remembered dialogue. In any case, it's generally not a good idea to start with a disembodied voice. A simple change is to start with himn huddled in his bus seat, staring at his wife's last text, then show the message. That way, you've oriented the reader in space, established the first person narrator, put the message in context. In the rest of the opening you do an awesome job of establishing the tone and the character.

Plot
On his way to meeting his wife, a man's bus pulls into an abandoned church to shelter from a storm. The journey, the shelter, the annoying flower child are all metaphors for the storm brewing in his life. surreal elements add to the mix, including the storm itself, the cold snow where his wife awaits, and the mystery of his abandonment when he wakes in the morning. A story without resolution, or, more accurately, with a resolution left to the im=agination of the reader. How much really happened, and how much is dream?

Style and Voice
First person, In Herman's head. no slips.

Scene/Setting
Just right for me. Lots of unanswered questions, but that just adds to the story instead of detracting.

Characters
This is all about Herman. At the end, I'm unsure about the reality of the bus journey, the flower child, or even the rain. What is clear is his desperation and despair.

Maybe one typo--see the line-by-line remarks.

Just my personal opinion
A powerfulf story. I can't say I'm glad I read it, but it's quite good, and effective, too. I've got a few minor tweaks in the line-by-line commments for you to consider, but nothing major. This is effective writing.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Her words, spoken so many times with the tone, the feeling that she had already given up, had fermented and grew rotten in my mind.My Comment: typo: should be “had grown…”

I typed a quick text that the bus had to pull over due to weather and we'd be staying in an old church for the night, tacked on an I love you and hit send.My Comment: For clarity, I’d change it to “abandoned” church, and maybe even change “staying” to “sheltering.”

"Hey, I'm Herman. Where you headed?" Beat her to it.My Comment: I’d consider inverting the order of these two sentences. On first reading, it sounded like she was speaking and her name was somehow Herman.

then realized a moment later than I should have that she said, "How about you?"My Comment: Felt a little awkward…maybe “should have paid attention when she said…”

Probably argue in the snow.My Comment: This was a little speed bump for me. It’s raining here, outside the church, so Breckinridge must be somewhat distant? Anyway, it made me pause to think, something you don’t usually want readers doing. If you placed her in a distant, snowy place earlier, readers wouldn’t stop here wondering.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

37

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4690726

Review of Clouds in the sky of life, chapter 2

Review by

In affiliation with Blue Ribbon Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Clouds in the sky of life, chapter 2"

by Lucinda Lynx

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There's lots of twisty intrigue here--more than enough for a daytime soap! I like twisty intrigue, though, so that's a good thing.

Opening
This chapter is several short vignettes, some in Bruce's POV and some in Connie's. Each vignette is a separate scene, with it's own location, time, and characters. We know this because each starts by telling us the time, location, and point of view character.

That's well and good, but telling doesn't really set the scene. Consider the opening sentences to the chapter:

At night, I woke up and went to the toilet. Once I came back to the bedroom, I noticed Connie had fallen asleep holding her phone.

This is the narrator, Bruce, telling us stuff. The telling does little to put us in his head. We're not in the here-and-now, where he's interacting with his environment. For example, he "went" to the toilet. It's dark, he's probably a bit woozy from waking, so he might "stumble" to the toilet, blinking gritty sleep from his eyes. When he returns, he might see the steady rise and fall of Connie's chest in a faint glow from her phone. He might even hear the gentle sussuration of her breaths--all of which show she's asleep w/o telling. Then he could realize the glow is from her phone, and you're off to the races.

The point is not to do exactly the things I suggest, but to do something to put the reader into Bruce's head, waking up in the middle of the night probably to urinate.

This vignette is breif--only two short paragraphs totalling 141 words. The next vignetter is again with Bruce, at the breakfast table with Connie. Again, there is little to nothing to put us in his head. There's an eventual passing mention that he'd "need a nap," so fatigue is probably dragging at him from a sleepless night--but we don't get that sensation. Just him telling us that he'll need a nap.

Connie brewed herself tea. Can he smell it? Did she slice a lemon to put in it--another chance to add scent. He might inhale the homey scent of his coffee.

He must be feeling tentative, wondering how to broach what he read the night before with his wife.

The next vignette is days later, again with Bruce. It's some better, since he begins by reacting to the ringing doorbell, but where is he? He's expecting Connie, but I don't exactly recall who she is. Now, this is probably my fault since it's been weeks since I read chapter one--it's called "reviewer's lag"--but again showing something of their relationship would be helpful. She's supposed to be Connie's friend, right? So wouldn't it be unusual for Bruce to set up a meeting with her alone?

Indeed, the whole conversation with Connie, in which she basically attacks her friend Carol, seemed a but surreal.

Setting the scene and putting the reader in the POV character's head are important steps in adding realism to your scenes, the veneer of the "here-and-now." It only takes a sentence or two to do this, so it's not like huge revisions are needed, but it's important to keep the readers engaged.

Plot
Again, I'm at the disadvantage of reading this episodically, so it's hard to remember what happened in the prior chapter. I do think that "Carol" and "Connie" are bit too similar-sounding names and contribute to making it hard to follow. Other than that, you've got a great, twisty plot going where things are not exactly what they seem.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

You end with decision--that Carol and Bruce will move out--combined with disaster--that Peter and his new girlfriend will be arriving. You've got two great hooks in one.

Style and Voice
Some vignettes in Carol's head, some in Bruces, all are in first person.

I do think this would be easier to follow with third person limited. At a minimum, the voice needs variation between Carol and Bruce, adding some idiosyncracies to their individual way of speaking to help readers tell them apart.

Scene/Setting
See above--it's pretty sparse. You can set the scene by having the characters interact with elements of the physical setting, which accomplishes the dual purpose of establishing POV and setting the scene.

Characters
Bruce, Carol, and Connie, who seems eager to betray her friend Carol.

Grammar
I found one or two minor typos--nothing significant.

It would be easier to read of you double-spaced between paragraphs. You can set WDC to do this automatically.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

You've got a twisty plot going here, which I like. I like the surreal elements of characters having the same last names despite not being related--this suggests more is going on than meets the eye. Some tweaking to smooth the POV and show, rather than tell, events would be relatively minor revisions to an otherwise strong chapter.

Thanks for sharing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

from mine and Connie's bedroom.My Comment: from MY and Connie’s bedroom.

I opend the door, and saw Susan. My Comment: typo: openEd

She had red hair that reached over her shoulders, blue eyes and wide, smiling mouth.My Comment: She’s his wife’s friend, right? So surely he already know about her red hair and blue eyes. Now, if she wore her hair in a particular way—a sophisticated French twist, for example—or if it fell in carefree locks to her should, it might show something about his observations. If her eyes are twinkling or piercing, that also says different things about what he’s seeing. The idea is to change this from statements of fact to more subjective observations, helping to establish POV.

I let her in and followed her to the small hallway. Susan left her coat on the small coat rack on the left wall of the hall.My Comment: “Small”—used twice here—is one of those adjectives that don’t add much. Maybe the hallway is “cramped,” for example, or she found a vacant hook on the coatrack, implying that it’s either small or crowded with Bruce’s coat.

“One can betray a trust on a physical or emotional level. Which one is worse? I don’t know.” I shook my head. “This confuses me.”
“Why?” Susan asked, and sipped her coffee.My Comment: He’s made an extraordinary statement with no preamble. Her only reaction is to sip her coffee—not even a twitched eyebrow.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

38

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4683114

Review of Aumelan

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Hi. I'm back again to review another chapter

Item Reviewed: "Aumelan "

by Charlene A. Wilson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There's a lot to admire in this chapter. The prose is active and filled with taut emotion. We also learn a lot more about "service" and what it means to the ruling class. Styne's sense of guilt and dismay is fully on display, and entirely believable. Really impressive writing here.

Opening
I made some nit-picks about POV in the opening. There's nothing wrong with what you wrote. I just felt the POV could be a little firmer with slight re-phrasing.

Plot
Here, we learn that service involves a necessary injection of energy for the rulers, the Tsosey. Both the leader, Styne's father, and his family--Styne's mother, his sister, and Styne himself--have been without service and are now dying. Of course, this gives them all a goal with the highest of stakes. They've somehow become lost w/o any of their life-giving servants, and now their last hope is to find Chad and Dae, the latter of whom apparently has an endless store of "service" that will save them all, if only they find her in time.

So, this chapter gives us a goal *and* a ticking clock in the form of the physical degradation of the Styne and his loved ones. That automatically sets up dynamite tension.

This also somewhat changes the readers' understanding of the relationship between the Tsosey and their servants. It's still master/slave, but the slaves potentially have all the power. I have the sense, from the Chad chapters, that there's some kind of psychic hold that the Tsosey have over their servants. Is that right?

I have a couple very general reactions to all of this.

First, knowing that "service" is more than just serving tea and crumpets (or sex) is an essential feature. I think it would be stronger if we knew this sooner, right up front. Indeed, having a scene where service is actually given would be helpful.

Second, while this chapter has tons of tension, it could have more. The last time we saw Styne--which was also the first time--he witnessed the death of his servant Stafford. He felt some remorse, but it was more about the way his fellow Tsosey would react than at Stafford's death, i.e., he wasn't exactly sympathetic. This is the very first time we've met the rest of Styne's family. Thus, while the relationships between the family members show genuine love for each other, we're meeting them at the time of crisis. We don't see them pre-crisis, interacting with their "normal" world.

Now, suppose instead that an earlier chapter had shown the Father of the Tsosey in his element as ruler. He might be served (thus showing what *that's* all about), but it would also be an opportunity to make him--and Styne as well--more sympathetic characters. Screenwriters sometimes call this a "save-the-cat" moment, where the character does a gratuitous good deed to establish their bona-fides.

Putting the characters in their normal element before the adventure starts is also a conventional element of "the hero's journey" and the three-act-play structures. I won't belabor those as you're doubtless familiar with each, but it's something to consider. Getting a balance between establishing the status quo of the fictional world and your characters role in it before setting your characters on fire is always a challenge.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

He's obviously dying. The clock's nearly at midnight. Couldn't ask for a better hook.

Style and Voice
Third person, in Styne's head. No real slips, but see below.

Referencing
Lots of essential information shown here--no telling. Awesome work.

Scene/Setting
I was kind of flummoxed by the use of "jutted." There's certainly nothing wrong about participles used as adjectives (CMS has an entire paragraph on it--5.90). A "jutted" jaw makes sense, for example, or "endangered species." I don't know...I probably wouldn't have paused over "jutting" rocks, for example. It felt strange rather than quirky. Quirky I like. You do quirky really well.

You should probably ignore this.

Characters
Great characterizations here. Lots of reason to feel sympathy for this family, even if they turn out to be evil tyrantsj, they at least have genuine feelings for each other.

Grammar
Nothing jutted into my attention...

Just my personal opinion
This chapter did much to advance not only plot and character, but the details of the fictional world. It's all much clearer now, although many questions still remain. Good questions, like are the Tsosey tyrants or just trapped by circumstances? What's their hold on the servants? I look forwrard to learning the answers.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Not much here...just a couple of whines about the POV at the start...

She slowed and then faltered, grazing her wrist on a boulder as she tried to catch herself. Styne’s father scooped her into his arms. His muscles bulged, and he clenched his jaw as he looked directly at the darkness of the never-ending tunnel. His torch slipped from his grip.My Comment: I’m feeling picky. Lucky you. The POV here feels wobbly. She’s “grazing” wrist suggests we’re in her head, while “her wrist grazed” would suggest Styne is seeing it. Similarly, when his father looks directly at the darkness of the never-ending tunnel, the subjective “never-ending” felt like his father’s impression of the tunnel rather than Styne’s.

That little wobble might be partly because this comes so quickly after the sentence that establishes Styne’s POV, but I think it’s also due to the phrasing. I know this is a nit-pick, but I think POV is really vital to keeping the readers enmeshed in the here-and-now of the story...

The look in his eyes made Styne’s heart wrench.My Comment: “wrenched Styne’s heart” might be a touch more active.

With a growl, he threw his palm to the catacomb wall. Crystalline in the rock flashed white. In a wave, light netted over the tunnel as every crystal formation ignited. Encircling the arch, it surged down the path, leaving a soft glow in its wake.My Comment: One of many awesome descriptions in this chapter. Later we learn he hid this ability, but only a hint of why.

b}

Styne leaned on his elbow and lifted her head to cradle it in his hands. The light enhanced her pallid features and the dryness of her lips. The veins in her slender neck looked too thick and revealed her heavy heartbeat. He brushed his thumbs over her lashes to open her eyes. Their blue hue appeared briefly before her lids closed again. “Chad will be here anytime. Just don’t go to sleep.”

My Comment: Another awesome description. In fact, I could highlight almost every paragraph.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

39

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4682995

Review of Aumelan

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Hi. Max again. I enjoyed reading this chapter and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "Aumelan"

by Charlene A. Wilson

Ch 4
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The emotional subtext from both characters is awesome. Chad also seems clueless about why Dae does things like mutter his instructions over and over--more on that later...

Opening
Textbook opening that orients the reader in time, place, and POV. You might consider giving Chad some kind of internal sensation, just to nail the POV. For example, his thighs might twinge from the steep incline, or the back might bite his back before he twists it back in place. Minor things, but they help put the reader in his head.

Plot
We learn more about what Chad and Dae are up to--exploring on behalf of the people who live underground ("strange" people from the prior chapter). Mostly they continue their journey, but they also appear to be lost? Neither recalls the falls along the path. If so, that might make a stronger hook.

Hook
You don't really have one. Being lost--or even potentially lost--would be a great hook, and would only involve moving a couple of paragraphs around.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Chad's head. One minor slip, noted in the line-by-line remarks below.

Referencing
Here's the meat of the chapter. We learn a lot more about the history and culture as Chad ponders Dae's actions and reactions. He wonders how she feels about him, worries that he'll never know, and thinks there is an innate difference between them--a master/slave difference that's inbred. Of course, he sees but misinterprets the signals that Dae is struggling with those very cultural restrictions. It's hard to tell how she really feels about him, but the suggestion is that it's a mixture of affection and fear--not of him, necessarily, but of the entire social and political culture that's designed to uphold the class structure.

In the chapter about Salana, we get a mirror of this basic conflict, but among the above-the-surface people. So, both plots reflect how these rigid cultural expectations run counter to more basic and genuine human emotions and relationships. In that sense, it's a metaphor not just for our time, but for all times. Nice work!

Scene/Setting
Lots of great, active descriptions. Good evocative job with the cave world, the water, the light, etc.

Characters
We've got clear goals, stakes, and obstacles for Chad. In his case, part of the obstacle is his own blindness to Dae and the way he's absorbed the cultural biases while at the same time fighting against them. Right now, he's the opposite of "woke," but he's on the verge. It appears that Dae is in roughly the same place, but on the opposite side of the cultural divide. It'll be gratifying to see them come together. I have the sense that Dae will take the lead in this--there's even a bit of foreshadowing in the chapter to that effect when Chad thinks that he should follow her lead on "placement."

Grammar

Time reversals.

I don't know if you've seen this essay by Roger MacBride Allen on the SFWA website:
https://www.sfwa.org/2005/01/04/mistakes-in-writin... It's an interesting read. I'm currently in the middle of the "bad planning" error he describes. I'm a "pantser" not a "planner"--I write by the seat of my pants.

Anyway, item #5 on his list is the "needless flashback." By this, he means places where the author inverts the cause/effect sequence. Doing so is a tiny time reversal, which disrupts the normal flow of events in the here-and-now. Sometimes it makes the narrative harder to follow, and almost always runs the risk of weakening the readers' connection with the story.

I used to sprinkle this kind of thing everywhere, like fairy dust. One of my best critics would flag each and every one with some kind of sardonic comment until I finally trained my self to avoid his sarcasm by doing it his way. I've come to realize that his was is usually best, even it it sometimes does make it harder to find non-repetitive ways of saying things.

I've seen a couple of these in your chapters--nothing like my flagrant use. These little time reversals add some variety and admittedly make it easier to find non-repetitive ways of describing things. I've found it worthwhile to consider finding alternates, even though I still find myself doing this.

Just my personal opinion
Another good chapter. Not nearly as much action as in the first Chad/Dae chapter, but lots of emotional tension. Moreover, the emotional tension lets you expand on the cutlural and social aspects of their world, and show the emotional consquences. This is mostly true for Chad, since we're in his POV and thus know his thoughts, but it's also true for Dae, where her reactions and body language reveal much. (Much that Chad appears to not fully understand, which is another thing that makes this such an interesting and well-crafted chapter).

How many chapters is this novel? I've not read ahead, but I see only nine posted chapters. Looking forward to reading all of them.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

If only her eyes glimmered with the iridescent sheen his did.My Comment: Small POV slip—he can’t see his eyes

sustaining vitality and hers can. My Comment: Is this a euphemism for fecundity?

Sparks flashed in Chad’s head as it rammed into solid rock. My Comment: An itty-bitty time reversal. Cause then effect is more natural, and easier to follow.

His voice held a touch of mirth. My Comment: To stay in his head, consider “he let a touch of mirth creep into his voice...” or some such thing. As written, it sounds like an external observer hearing his voice.

A thick halo surrounded the light from his crystal torch as a fine mist enveloped them. My Comment: another itty-bitty time reversal. First the mist, then the halo, right?

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

40

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4681922

Review of Hitting a bullseye

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Hitting a bullseye"

by Henry George

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I loved the theme of this little story. It's about not giving up, not cheating, and perserverance in the face of failure. It's also about how helping others can help you--something I certainly find to be true. Indeed, it's part of why spend time time reading and critiquing other authors: it makes me a better self-critic.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Openings are tough. Yours has almost all the necessary elements, but I think the flow and intimacy could be improved. See the line-by-line remarks below for details.

Plot
It's Trent's first time at the archery range, and he can barely hit the target, let alone get a bullseye. Others cheat, or give, but he perseveres. Eventually, he helps other, younger novices. In the end, he's satisfied with his first day at the range.

Style and Voice
Third person, in Trent's head.

Scene/Setting
I could follow where everyone was in relation to each other, but the setting was pretty sparse. Setting can help establish point-of-view, deepen character, or advance plot, so it's not just about describing trees or grass. Indeed, when you describe the successes and failures of other boys on the archery range, it's part of the setting and does much to advance the plot and theme of the story. Still, I think a touch more details would help bring the story to life.

Characters
This is all about Trent. He's after that bullseye. He never gets it, but at the end, he's satisfied with his day. Great way to show the theme!!!

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I loved the theme for this story, and Trent is the perfect embodiment of that theme. We cheer for him as he tries, over and over, for his goal. He refuses to cheat or let failure dissuade him. He never gets his bullsdeye, but at the end of the day, he's satisfied. The story arc, beginning to end, is perfect, and I really enjoyed reading it.

While the structure couldn't be better, the narrative itself could be tweaked in a few ways. I've made some suggestions in the line-by-line for you to consider. But this is an awesome story arc, and Trent is the perfect character for the thematic material. Do keep writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

I need to hit the bullseye.”

Trent looked down the range, but the target was blurry.

Trent’s parents had given him a book about archery, and he had studied it. This morning he saw his chance to put it into action.

He shot, and his arrow joined the crowd.

It hit the grass.

His second arrow hit the very edge of the target.

His third landed in the outermost white circle.

Trent looked around. Arrows were strewn everywhere. One boy had already gotten a bullseye. His parents had put a second target just in front of the boy, so close he couldn’t have missed.My Comment: I highlighted these lines since, taken together, they constitute your opening paragraphs. Why these and not others? Because they have the information that orients the reader by answering the who/what/ /where/why questions.

Who: Trent and his parents.
Where: at an archery range
What: he’s trying archery for the first time after reading about it.
Why: Trent wants to hit a bullseye
These are the minimal things a reader needs to start imaging the other parts of the fictional world, the parts that the words on the page suggest but don’t show explicitly. For example, the sentence about the parents moving the target so their son could get a bullseye suggests that these boys are children, probably ten or younger.

You also name Trent in the opening line—always a good thing—and you put him in action when he shoots the arrow.

Taken together, you’ve got all the elements of a good opening. But it could be better.
To begin with, it’s generally not a good idea to start with someone speaking. Readers don’t know if this is the point-of-view character, as in this case, or if it’s someone else and the POV character is *hearing* him speak. That’s why it’s generally better to start with the POV character acting or sensing. It’s also better if the opening line reveals at least something of where things are happening.

One reason openings are challenging to write is that they need to do several things at once. They should name the POV character, but him (or her) in motion, and orient the reader in space. It’s tricky to do that and not have a run-on sentence. But you might consider something like:

A brisk morning breeze wafted across the archery range and prickled Trent’s cheeks. He squinted downrange at the blurry target, hefted his bow and let fly, just like the books he’d read said he should.

This example is by no means perfect. But note what it does. The very first sentence tells us where we’re at. It names Trent, and has the breeze acting on him in way only he can feel—his cheeks prickle. This puts the reader in Trent’s head and establishes him as the POV character. He “squints” at the blurry target and lets fly, just like the books said. That shows that he’s a novice and uses your imagery of the blurry target. It does all of this at the very start, in two sentences. We also learn he’s been reading books without the little time-reversal in your opening that leaves the here-and-now of the archery range and backs up to a time when his parents gave him the books. Staying in the here-and-now of ongoing events is another important feature of effective story telling.

Now, I’m not you, so I don’t know if this happened in the morning, or what the weather was like. I imagined these details as a way of bringing the scene to life. On the other hand, *you* do know what it’s like standing there on that archery range. Maybe he squints because the sun is bright. Maybe it’s hot and his t-shirt sticks to his body. Be in his head, sensing and acting, as you write. Use the details that appear in your visualization and strive to get at least some of them on the page. Put the readers in Trent’s head, and have them experience shooting that first arrow and his dismay when it doesn’t even reach the target.

You’ve got most of the elements you need for a good opening. They just need to be tightened up. It also helps to put the readers in Trent’s head by giving him sensations that only he can feel. Even his disappointment when the first arrow flops might come with his throat tightening, for example.

All 3 of his arrows had landed in the grass. My Comment: With few exceptions, you should write out numbers like three and not use numerals.

“You’ve done well. What about getting a girlfriend? Is there anyone you’re interested in?”My Comment: Okay, this comment makes me question the earlier age estimates.

“You should try tennis.” His mother said. “Lots of nice girls play tennis.”My Comment: This one, too. Just how old is Trent? He’s here with his parents. They’ve spent all morning with him shooting arrows, and his father has been encouraging him to keep trying and to not cheat. That’s all consistent with the earlier age estimate, but this exchange is not.

“We’re going to play tennis. You can join us if you want to.”My Comment: Now I’m thinking the archery range might be part of a Country club where his parents can go off and play tennis while Trent continues at the range.

The car screeched to a stop and Felix jumped out of the driver’s seat, tearing a pair of sunglasses off his face.My Comment: Now Felix, one of the “boys” from earlier, is driving a sports car! That ups the ages considerably and forces a re-orientation of my mental picture. That means my *original* picture of young boys with their parents was wrong. The problem is that nothing in the earlier narrative suggested otherwise, and there was a lot to make one think they were pre-teens. If they in fact some are old enough to drive cars, we’d need to know this earlier, since otherwise this sequence disrupts the fictional dream playing in the readers’ heads.

That night, Trent lay in his bed and smiled.My Comment: An absolutely awesome way to end the story, showing Trent’s satisfaction despite not achieving his goal.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

41

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4681667

Review of Clouds in the sky of life, chapter 1

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Clouds in the sky of life, chapter 1 "

by Lucinda Lynx

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
An unmarried couple on a buisness trip check in to a crowded hotel. They're worried about their presentation tommorrow, but they're also worried about Connie's husband suspecting something. She fantasizes about him in swim trunks as they kiss at the end. What's not to like?

Plot
See above. Since a family friend of Connie's checked them in, this already promises conflict ahead.

As an aside, they are on a business trip and at a hotel, so they are far from where they live. So, how close a friend can Susan be, since she works at the hotel? This felt a bit too much like coincidence. Now, if Susan were a cousin, maybe...

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

The embrace at the end reflects a decision, although since they go to their separate rooms there's also a suggestion of unfinished business, which is the essence of a hook. In any case, this gives readers ample reason to turn the page to the next chapter.

Style and Voice
First person, initially in Connie's head, then breifly in Susan's, then back in Connie's. I'm not sure the interlude with Susan is worth breaking out of Susan's POV. Each break in POV threatens the readers' connection with the here-and-now of the story, and this is always most tenuous in a first chapter. It'd be fine to swap to Connie in chapter two.

Referencing
Texting and cell phones place this in the modern era.

Scene/Setting
Swanky hotel in mid-winter. No description of their rooms, but then we never actually see them in their rooms. Doubtless that's to come. In any case, good descriptions, and in the right amount.

Characters
This is mostly Connie, eager for her tryst, worried about being caught, worried about her presentation. Jacob is a good foil for now--we'll doubtless see more of him later. Similarly, Susan presents a potential obstacle, but she, too, isn't as fully drawn yet. Not a problem--again, we'll have more time with her in later chapters.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I like the plot and the characters so far, so this is a good start from that perspective. The narrative could have flowed a bit more smoothly--I'll make some more specific comments on this in the line-by-line comments below. Overall, I think this is a good start for a first chapter. The characters are viable and the plot is promising. Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

A draft of air blew against our faces. The sliding doors opened, and we found ourselves stuck at the end of a long line.
“This can't be true!” Jacob said.
"This looks real in my eyes," I replied.
"And I thought all along that all we had to do was walk in and walk across the lobby to the counter. Now it looks like half of California has decided to stay at Hotel Seawind."My Comment: Openings are tough. They have to accomplish many things, and all at once.

You need to orient your readers in time and space. You need to name your point-of-view character. You needs to start with action. And you need to let the readers know what the story will be about, or at least what kind of story this will be.

Here, we have a first person narrator, but she’s not named. Indeed, it takes several more paragraphs before we even learn her gender. We do learn her companion’s name—Jacob—but he misses the opportunity to name her. I note in passing that the name “Connie” heads this section, I I infer that she’s the narrator, but the opening doesn’t show that.

You also eventually tell us they’re in a hotel, but notice that’s several sentences in, too. We eventually learn that they are there on business, but that it’s also for a secret tryst and that Connie is married. This tells us quite a bit about the story.

So, what suggestions do I have for tweaking this? Well, starting with a sensation is a good thing, except that you say “our faces,” so that the sensation is generalized as opposed to personal. The idea with the sensation is to put the readers into the point-of-view character’s head, so having the draft of chill hair blow against *her* face would do this. You might follow that with Jacob squeezing her hand and saying something like, “Look at this mob, Connie. It’s like all of California is trying to check in to this hotel.” That way we know her name, we know she’s the one hearing him speak (since we’re in her head feeling the chill draft), and we know they’re in a hotel as opposed to somewhere else. He squeezes her hand, which suggests intimacy and that they might be there for a tryst. This is all stuff you’ve more or less got here, but this compresses it into the first couple of sentences and thus better orients the reader and establishes point of view.

I still remembered our manager's exact words after lunch the previous day. And now this!My Comment: “Managers” made me think they might be actors. If she’d said “boss’s,” it’d be clearer they were there as part of a conventional work assignment.

Susan looked at me. “Hi, Connie! My Comment: First time her name appears in the narrative.

Jacob looked at me and then at Susan. “Do you know each other?” He lifted his eyebrows.My Comment: This is a tiny POV wobble. It’d be better to say his eyebrows crawled up his forehead, since that’s what Connie sees. Saying “he lifted his eyebrows” is what you’d say if you were in his POV.

“Oh, Susan is a family friend,” My Comment: And we learn who Susan is. Not a huge secret, so why not say so when Connie first glimpses her? Stringing it out and then having it turn out to “family friend” is kind of a let-down.

She pushed two identical forms across the desk. “You can't compromise this formality with any guest, not even if you know one or more of them.”My Comment: Felt like it needs a bit more...Like “Please fill these out. Sorry for the paperwork, but you can’t compromise...” etc.

“Thank you,” Susan said as Jacob and I gave the forms back after we had written all the needed information. My Comment: Mini time-reversal here. They filled out the forms, handed them to Susan, and then she says “thank you.” It helps keep the readers in the here-and-now to relate things in chronological order.

“My stomach growls like a wolf that has caught nothing the whole morning. I want to eat something,” Jacob texted me as soon as I had unpacked.My Comment: Let us know she’s reading a text before showing the text.

We stepped out of our rooms, called the elevator, and waited.My Comment: to stay in Connie’s head, have her step out of her room and see Jacob leaving his.

After eating a delicious meal My Comment: What kind of meal? Be specific as opposed to “delicious.”

elevator's doors glided close My Comment: they keep gliding open and closed. I think just “closed” suffices and avoids the repeat.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

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Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4680931

Review of Aumelan

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: " Aumelan"

by Charlene A. Wilson

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
By the end of the chapter, we've learned Chad's goals, the obstacles, and the stakes. Basically, he's in love with Dae, but their respective social positions constitute an enormous obstacle. He's aware of this--he even curses it at one point. He's known Dae almost his entire life, but she's "in service" to him. This subservience presents all kinds of possible challenges, to each of them indidividually, to their relationship, and to their relationship with their world. The stakes--love--are as high as they get, so the outcome of this conflict is both intimate and far-reaching.

The goals and obstacles give rise to conflict, and the stakes are why the outcome of the conflict matters. Working together, they give tension. So the underlying conflict provides a terrific frame for the novel, since the tension will be everywhere.

Of course, the tension in the opening chapter--the struggle with the flood--is a metaphor for the struggle of their life-journey.

That's a lot to like.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

In the line-by-line comments below I've made quite a few comments on the opening paragraphs. It's not like there's anything wrong with them, but I thought some tweaking might be in order.

Plot
See above. The plot is already dynamite.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

Truthfully, I think this needs a better hook. It appears they've been on a journey, since there's reference to crossing the stream last month. Where are they going and why? The essence of a hook is unfinished business, and the something about the journey's destination might make a suitable hook.

Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Chad's head. No slips.

Referencing
You've threaded quite a bit of information about this fictional world into this action sequence. We've learned about the social structure, about Chad's and Dae's relative positions, and we've learned about Chad's feelings. Dae's are less clear, since she's in a required subsidiary position to him. There's a place or two that felt a bit like info-dumps, although you've meshed it pretty seemlessly with the action.

Scene/Setting
This was pretty good, using subjective words like "cavern," for example. But I could have used a panamoramic view early on--a "wide shot" to get a better sense of the overall scene. There's more detail in the line-by-line comments below.

Characters
See above. We've got Chad's goals, obstacles, and stakes. We don't know Dae's. Even if she reciprocates his feelings, there's the whole master/slave vibe that's got to eventually create conflict.

Grammar
No grammar errors that I saw--although I don't read for grammar. I think I saw a couple of word choices that gave me pause--see the line-by-line comments.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I've got a ton of nit-picky comments for this chapter in the line-by-line comments. My general method is to make notes as I read, then come back and do the broader review. I found quite a few little things to whine about, but these don't detract from the overall strength of the chapter.

As you can see above, I *really* liked this chapter. It's got a great action sequence, and along the way we get a hint of the broader plot for the novel. Readers will find it easy to cheer for Chad, and for Dae, too. The outlines of the plot are already present, so I think this is a strong first chapter. I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

A deep groan filled the cavern, followed by a series of loud cracks. Chad climbed onto the wide ledge and then swiveled to look down at Dae on a thick slab jutting out over the ravine. His backpack toppled to the side as he set his crystal torch down and angled it to shine over the twelve-foot drop. The climb wouldn’t be so bad if the stream they crossed a month ago hadn’t grown into a manic river.
The rapids raced along the gorge in angry fluxes, shadows collapsing, reforming. Spray flew upward as the tides rammed into boulders. The dank scent coated his airways with an iron tang.My Comment: This opening *names* the point-of-view character, Chad, and puts him in action. We know where he’s at and who he’s with—Dae. That’s all to the good, but I’ve still got some suggestions.

I’ve read this more than once all the way through, and I still don’t have an entirely clear picture of the cavern. I know that there’s a river raging through it, a waterfall, boulders, and wide ledge. Since it’s a cave, it’s got to be dark, but Chad’s got a “crystal torch,’ whatever that is. It appears to be enough to provide illumination of the entire cavern since we get some panaromic views of it later on.

Part of what’s missing for me is scale. How high is the ceiling, how wide is the shelf? “Wide” gives no sense of scale. Another part is geometry, and timing. For example, Chad climbs onto “the” wide ledge—is it special, or just “a” ledge. Is he climbing from below, where Dae is at? If so, maybe he “leverages” himself onto the ledge, for a better visual. Similarly, when he looks “down at Dae,” is he looking “back down” at her? Presumably, they had been walking together, right? Finally, is Dae standing? Prone? Maybe it was her groaning? Putting on makeup? What is she doing?

Oh, when his backpack topples to the side, has he dropped it? Or is it sill on his back and throwing him off balance?

When it says “the climb wouldn’t be so bad…,” the implication that they’ve been climbing within the cavern. If it said “the climb wouldn’t have been so bad,” the modal expressing a present feeling about a past event, namely the climb he just finished. This sentence implies that they’ve been on a journey together for at least a month.

Finally, the opening paragraphs don’t do a lot to put the reader in Chad’s head. I loved the dank scent coating his airways with the scent of iron, but this happens at the end of the paragraphs. I’d suggest opening by having him pant as he clambers onto the ledge, the dank air fouling his airways with the scent of iron. That’s got him doing and sensing in the opening sentence, which helhps to put the readers in his head.

The descriptions are vivid and active, which is certainly a strength. But the visual image feels incomplete.

Where did all the water come from?My Comment: You’ve correctly used italics to quote an internal thought, but I prefer free indirect discourse.

He quickly reeled the rope in to try again. “Don’t lean so far over. I’ll throw it harder.”My Comment: This is the first of three times that “quickly” appears. Stephen King tells us the road to Hell is paved with adverbs. The reason is that they are speed bumps that slow the reader down when there’s usually a better way. Often, and more precise verb would do, but “reeled” is a good verb. You’ve already suggested urgency when his breath hitched, so my advice is to drop the adverbs.

Thick splashes hammered into the channel to Chad’s right, and he glanced at the wall at the head of the ravine. The light from his torch highlighted the falls as they surged from the fissure near the low ceiling. A series of deafening bursts echoed through the canyon, and as if the mouth of the stream was made of crusty dirt, it crumbled. A large fracture traveled up the length of the partition.My Comment: Good descriptions here, except that I didn’t follow where the fracture is at. Up until then, it sounded like the rock under the falls was crumbling.

He threw a glance at the hooks wedged between two stalagmites and hoped by all that was good they’d hold. My Comment: Lots of great descriptions in this sequence, but when did he have time to loop the rope around the stalagmites?

He quickly wound the rope around his arm to add a minuscule of help. My Comment: Another “quickly…” Also, “minuscule” is a noun when referring to script or letters, otherwise it’s an adjective.

Her hand rose from the currents, and she rolled, coughing.My Comment: My Comment:so she disappeared underwater earlier?

She looked up, her lips pinched together as she peered at his hand through drenched locks. “I cannot touch you. You are my Keeper.”My Comment: Proper grammar and complete sentences felt out of touch for the situation. I get that this is an important revelation, but this felt too formal.

His ribcage jumped with each hard thump of his heart. Had it been hammering like that the whole time? My Comment: Note the absence of italics here indicates free indirect discourse.

She’d been born to his family’s keep when he was two years old, and he couldn’t keep his eyes off her since.My Comment: This construction felt a little off.

She lifted her gaze. “I am sorry. Do you require service now?”My Comment: Hmmm. She can’t touch him, so the most obvious subtext here appears irrelevant. What, exactly, is the service she’s offering? As an aside, using contractions in dialogue can make it seem more natural, unless she’s emphasizing the “am.”

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

43

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4674098

Review of The Fragrant City

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Fragrant City"

by sherwood561

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
You indicated that the target audience for this piece is struggling adolescent readers. Some of my comments below--especially those on adverbs--may work against this goal. I certainly have no knowledge of the special needs of this group, so more than usual you should use caution with respect to my remarks.

I did check both the "readability" scores that MS Word provides, and you did a great job with respect to these. The Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level was 0.6 (lower is better for readabililty) and the Flesch Reading Ease is 99.8 (out of 100, with higher being more readable). For contrast, the children's book Goodnight Moon has a readability score slightly less than three.

However, these scores are only suggestive--see "The Jark on the Spiv’s Deed"

for a discussion. However, in this case I think you did an awesome job with readability.

Style and Voice
First, as I noted above, you've done a great job with the reading level. The sentences are short and the vocabulary is simple. For the most part, you kept the word choices and sentence structure varied, and prose flows well even with the self-imposed limitations on readability. Nice job!!!

However, I'm going to digress a bit on the underlying narrative style and, especially, point of view.

This story uses third person narration. Generally, we're in Ashley's head, but the point-of-view isn't always consistent. The opening paragraphs, in particular, use an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling readers things. My main suggestion for this story is to tweak the text so that we're in her head from the first sentence.

About 30% of all fiction today uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person a third person narrator, as you have done here. Except that that remaining 70% almost exclusively uses something called "third person limited," where the readers experiences the story through the senses and thoughts of one character. It's "limited" in the sense that we can only infer what other characters know and think from their words and deeds. The reason for using third person limited is that does so much better at drawing readers into the story by drawing them into the head of the point-of-view character.

Much of this story is already third person limited in Ashley's head, but there are tweaks that can solifiy this point of view.

For example, your first sentence is

The boy was small. frail His skin was pale. His eyes were green. Green like Ashley's.

This is an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, stating facts. A modest change to this would put the reader in Ashley's head and hence inside the story.

The first thing Ashley noticed about the boy was that we was short, barely her own height. He was not just short. He was frail.

Notice this is simple change re-orients the reader to Ashley noticing something about the boy instead of the author telling the reader a fact about the boy. This begins to put the reader in her head. Another point is that it wasn't initially clear that Ashley and the boy were the same age, but comparing their heights in the above way introduces an expectation that they should be the same height, and leads to the inference that must be close in age. Finally, comparing their heights adds "scale" to the otherwise nonspecific adjective "short."

Other places, "they" "see" or "hear" things. It's more intimate and immediate for if your desribe what they see or hear directly. If you want to emphasize they sensed it, have them react in some way. This action/reaction sequence improves the forward momentum of the story and reinforces the here-and-now.

Even more, saying "they" heard diffuses the point-of-view. It's better if it's Ashley sensing and reacting to these things since that keeps the reader in her head. On the other hand, maybe the boy trembles at the thunder (something Ashley can see), and she reacts to his fear by holding his hand. In this case, you'd have two action/reaction sequences: thunder/boy trembling and trembling/Ashley comforting.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

I already commented above on using the opening to establish point of view. Your opening should also orient the reader on at least some of the basic who/what/when/where/why questions, and it should hint at what the story will be about. So, you might place Ashely and the boy in their school's playground, and make mention of their masks to establish the epidemic. you might even have police lurking in the shadows, watching for signs of illness in the children. Little things like this can not only set the stage but foreshadow what the story is about.

Plot
This story is about children fleeing from one city to another, from a city of fear and oppression to one of hope and charity. That's an awesome theme, and the structure of the story does a great job bringing it to the fore.

Referencing
As the story progresses, we learn many details about your fictional world. You do this through the children interacting with their world and with each other, which is exactly the right way! There's not a sign of an "info-dump," where the story stops while the narrator tells the reader stuff. Instead, readers learn about your fictional world holistically, through the actions and reactions of the characters. This is excellent writing, so kudos!

Scene/Setting
Similarly, the scene setting reveals things about the fictional world and how the children live in, again, all through their actions and reactions. More good work here.

Grammar

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

For example, at one point Ashely says "Normal" "softly." "Said softly" is one of those weak verb/adverb combinations, where a more specific verb would provide a stronger description. For example, she may have "murmurred" or "muttered" or even "whispered" the word. Of course, "murmur" is a less common word that "said softly," so it might work against the goal of keeping word choices simple. I did replace a couple of these instances with alternate words and re-run the readability scales, and they barely budged with words like "murmur" in the text. I don't know enough about the readers in your target audience to say whether or not this word would challenge them, but if you can replace weak verbs with more precise, stronger ones and maintain readability, it's a good idea.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. \

This is a compelling and timely story. It's also important that the story reaches out to young people who are challenged by reading, and does so in a way that still brings the story to life. Thank you writing this, and thank you for sharing!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

I only picked a couple of examples of places you might tweak things. Hope this is helpful!

"I am Tom Brown," the boy said. He spoke softly, like he was in the library.My Comment: This is another of those weak verb/adverb combinations. Here, you could surely use “whispered” as a more precise verb.

It was small. They were sweaty. It was hot. They heard sirens. Police were coming.My Comment: You’ve got short sentences here, which contributes to the sense of urgency. However, this is all the narrator telling readers things. To put it in Ashley’s head, you might have her tug on the boy’s hand and enter a “cramped” side street. “Cramped” is a subjective description and more precise than small, which helps with POV. Sweat might burn her eyes. Maybe the hot air shimmers or rises in waves, or presses against them. Making the heat an active part of the description is a way of making it more real.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

44

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4671940

Review of A Mind for Sale

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. Thank you for asking me to read your chapter. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you.

Item Reviewed: "A Mind for Sale"

by jdennis

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The basic premise of this chapter is interesting and original. I've read stories about memory thieves before, but this appears to involve aliens (?) who partner with human turncoats to purchase or, if that fails, steal human memories. Implicit is that, once sold or stolen, the memory is lost to the original owner.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

It's also important to orient the reader, namely answer the usual who/what/when/where/why questions.

This chapter eventually does these things, but it takes a while. In particular, establishing the poinf of view is imporant, because the reader experiences your fictional world through that characters senses and thoughts. THus, starting with disembodied voices generally isn't a good idea since it's not clear who is hearing the speeche, i.e., who the POV character is. It's generally stronger to start with the POV character sensing or acting, or both. THis puts the reader in that character's head and launches the fictional dream.

After the initial four lines of dialogue, you name Michael, which is good: that helps readers identify with him. INdeed, the opening starting after this point does a reasonable job launching the chapter.

Characters
Kurt Vonnegut said every character should want something, even if it's a glass of water. Michael, as the POV character, has a goal: he wants to rescue Tahlia. The goal has to matter, i.e., something bad happens if he fails. These are the stakes. While these are not clearly spelled out, it's clear that her captors are unsavory bad guys, so it's thus important to rescue her. There are also obstacles aplenty, so you've got the trifecta of goals, stakes, and obstacles. Goals and obstacles create conflict, and the outcome of the conflict matters, which gives rise to tension. Tension is the engine that drives the plot and and moves the novel forward.

So...in terms of this chapter, we have goals, stakes, and obstacles. But at the end, Michael has achieved his goal and they have escaped. So, no hook (see below).

The various characters representing the obstacles have goals too, apparently motivated by greed and or avarice. The ones who consume the dreams must have goals beyond the pleasure of consumption, but this chapter one.

Plot
As far as it goes, you have a complete plot with this chapter. Michael realizes his goal. BUt, of course, he must have a bigger goal. Perhaps it's just surviving in this disfunctional world, but that wouldn't be an interesting novel. I"m sure you've got bigger goals in mind for him, so hinting at those now would be helpful. Even better, the hook might reveal the bigger goal.

Also, the arrival of Father Klignen from out of nowhere struck me as a kind of deus ex machina, an unexpected miracle. Now, I admit it's a trope to have allies appear to help the hero save the day, like Han Solo in Star Wars where he appears at the critical moment and lets Luke blow up the Death Star. BUt there was pre-existing *tension* there, since the audience knew all about Han, and his appearance was, while a surprise, emotionally uplifting as well. It confirmed his "good-guy" character which we'd be led to doubt. So, it wasn't a complete surprise. I'm just saying this trope is more effective if we know there's allies out there who *might* (or might not) show up.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

As I noted above, your chapter ends with a resolution, which is the opposite of a hook. The heros need unfiinished business of some kind, giving the readers a reason to turn the page to the next chapter.

Style and Voice
Third preson limited, in Michael's head.

Referencing
We got lots of good details about this fictional world, mostly via the words and deeds of the characters. Indeed, nothing stood out in particular as an info-dump, so good job!

Scene/Setting
This was good, too. Lots of vivid detail. As the action progressed, I had no trouble figuring where the various characters were in relation to each other. It can be hard to accomplish that kind of clarity in an action scene, so, again, good work!

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a pretty good first chapter, although as you've seen above I have some minor structural suggestions in the opening and with respect to the Father Klignen. The basic premise is interesting, the villians are suitably vile, and the protagonists are easy to cheer for. So, in answer to your basic question, this is a project that surely merits development.

Thanks again for sharing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

He smelled too. My Comment: Smelled how? Like watermelon and puppie dogs? Or like urine and feces? Be specific!

stretching to the top of the cargo bay. The illumination revealed the immensity of the cargo bay My Comment: Be careful repeating words and phrases—cargo bay in this case—since this runs the risk of making your prose feel monotone.

“Father Klignen!” She gasped.My Comment: This struck me as a kind of deus ex machina.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

45

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4671047

Review of Sweet Tea and Murder

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Sweet Tea and Murder"

by Breanna Reynolds

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

Breanna, welcome to Writing.com! I see you just joined a couple of weeks ago, and you've already posted two stories. Congratulations, and thank you for sharing your creativity.

I hope you find your time on WDC as productive as I've found mine. This is a great place to make new friends, to share your work, and to learn and grow as an author. It can be kind of overwhelming here, so if you have any questions, please feel free to drop me a note.

Ordinarily, I give in-depth reviews with detailed comments on craft. However, since you are new to WDC, that might be more than you're looking for, so I'll keep my comments more generic. I hope you find my comments helpful and encouraging.

What I liked best
I love spooky stories where wierd things happen to ordinary people. This one fits that model. I particularly liked that you left the mystery of the leeches, the boy, and his mother unresolved. The mystery drew me in, of course, but you let the reader figure out the explanation that fits them, based on the clues you provide.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

An opening also needs to orient the reader by answering the basic questions of who, what, when, where, and so on. Your opening does a good job of that, setting the scene in the apartment where most of the action will take place. It also establishes a sense of menace as Neil meets his fate.

As a suggestion, I'd *name* Neil in the first sentence rather than using a pronoun. In the first place, the "he" has no antecedent. But more to the point, knowing the character's name helps to draw readers into the story.

Plot
This story really starts when Amelia moves into her apartment. The story is about the events that transpire between her, the little boy, and his mother.

I understand why you started with Neil, but this opening actually gives away the plot. Knowing what happened to Neil tells the reader what's going to happen to Amelia and reduces the tension. It's generally a stronger story save that as a kind of punch line.

I'd recommend starting the story where Amelia moves in. The little boy's remarks about the prior tenant adds tension, along with his warning. Later, his mother says Neil was murdered, again adding to the tension, but not saying exactly what happened. Tension is the engine that moves your story forward, and this is one of two major suggestions I have for this story.

Style and Voice
From the point that Amelia enters the apartment, we're more or less in her head. However, there are some spots where an omnicscient narrator seems to know the future, and some other places where we slip out of Amelia's head into another character.

This leads to my second suggestion for this story. I'd suggest to try to stay in Amelia's head throughout, and show the action from her point of view. Having her sense and react to what happens helps to cement this point of view. A shiver might run down her spine, for example, or her head might throb when she wakes. Think about what sensations she's experiencing and put those on the page, showing her interacting with her surroundings and the other characters. You more or less already do this, but controlling the POV in this manner is one of the most challenging things for authors to do consistently.

I realize this is a kind of technical observation. If you'd like more detail on POV, let me know and I'll send you some links.

Scene/Setting
Lots of good details in this story to set the scene, including sight, sound, scent, and touch. The little boy's apartment was particurlarly nicely done, and spooky.

Characters
Kurt Vonnegut said that every character needs to want something, even if it's just a glass of water. In particular, characters need goals. The goals need to matter, i.e, something bad happens if they don't achieve thier goals. these are the stakes. Finally, they need to face obstacles. The tension between goals and obstacles leads to conflict. THe outcome of the conflict matters because of the stakes. This gives rise to tension.

Eventually, Amelia has a goal, namely figuring out what the boy is doing with all that sugar. The obstacle is the mystery and obtuseness of his answers. THe stakes rise at the mention of the fate of the prior tenant.

So, Amelia eventually has goals, stakes, and obstacles. If you could make those clearer at the start, so the evolution is more her striving than being carried along by events, I think there'd be more tension and a stronger story--not that it's not already a strong story!!

Grammar
You noted there were typos in the message sending me story, so I won't comment on those. I don't generally read for grammar, but usually wind up whining about something. Not here. You've got a good grasp of the language.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story. Most of my suggestions above are predicated on this theory of fiction.

I liked this story quite a bit. It's got intersesting characters, an intriguing mystery, and builds nicely to the inevitable climax. It shows you have a native talent for story telling. There are myriad details of craft that can hone that talent to fine-edged tool, but you're off to a proming start!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

2280592The boy scratched his cheek absent-mindedly then jammed his hands into lint-filled pocketsMy Comment: This is one of those places where we slipped out of Amelia’s head and into the boy’s. She can see or sense the lint in his pocket, so we’re in his head in this sentence.

One bag of sugar and the boy made to depart with a "thank you" and a greasy handshake.My Comment: “bag of sugar” is a little vague. Is he getting a 4# bag of sugar or a packet of sugar. It’s better to be specific. It’s more common to ask for a cup of sugar. Also, he gets this “bag” on consecutive days, right? So is she going to the store in between to replenish her supply?

Small talk was difficult for her,My Comment: Here, the author intrudes to state a fact. It’s better to show her being uncomfortable as silence stretches. Maybe she fidgets, or tugs at her dress. You could add the sound of the teapot or a spoon clinking against a glass in the kitchen to emphasize no one is speaking.

She could have said no. She should have said no. She didn't.My Comment: Omniscient narrator intrudes with foreknowledge…

Amelia nodded, with a dash of uncertainty and troubledness raising goose bumps up. My Comment: Good use of internal sensations to show her unease. In fact, you don’t need to tell us she uncertain and troubled—the goose bumps show that all by themselves. The showing is stronger than the telling, and in fact the telling weakens the showing.

She would have said somethingMy Comment: Here's a place I'm losing track of who's doing what. You need a proper noun here so we know which “she” would have said something.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

46

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4667464

Review of The Sound of Death

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Sound of Death"

by Graywriter

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
This is a well-written, haunting story. An apocolyptic narrative, with no apparent cause for the disaster, met by an amazing and reslient couple. The style has the feel of a journalistic narrative, reportage more than immersive fiction. This makes the events all the more haunting.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

You name your characters--not always a trivial task for first person narratives!--orient the readers in space and time, and immediately move to the inciting incident. I was hooked by the first ba-ba-boom.

Plot
Da-da-boom, and almost everyone is dead. In the restaurant, flying glass eviscerates diners, but people die in crushed cars and from other grisly events. Ginger and Fen almost instantly conclude they need to flee the city and head for Fen's recently deceased grandfather's cabin in the woods. I won't reveal whether they arrive there or not, but the point of the story seems to be "live for the present, for tomorrow you may be dead." Fen even quotes Matthew 6:34 to that effect.

I do have a comment on the events themselves. Initially, sonic booms seem to be source of the deaths, killing people but leaving infrastruccture largely intact. At least one character speculates it's a Russian attack. An attack--Russian, alien, whatever--that kills but leaves infrastructure makes sense, in a gruesome kind of way. But then, later, it's pretty clear that a second wave levelled the cities with explosions and fire. Despite this being the apparent tactic the Russians appear to be using in Ukraine as I write this, a sensible agressor wants to keep the infrastructure in place to use. Thus, the premise that this is an attack of some sort seems improbable. The Biblical references leave divine retribution as a possibility, but I don't think that was your intent either.

THe above paragraph is just me trying to figure out what happened beyond the overt events. It's 100% fine for this to be left out of the story. In fact, Fen and Ginger can't know, so it's better to leave it out. As author, you doubtless have ideas, but it's fine for the narrative to leave geeks like me wondering.

Style and Voice
First person, in Fen's head. His matter-of-fact, low-key narrative is amazingly effective.

Scene/Setting
Seemed just right to me...but be careful with phrasing like "I saw..." or "I heard..." these are subtle form of "telling" in that they filter sensations through the narrator. It's almost always more intimante and immediate to directly describe what he "saw" or "heard." If you want to emphasie that the saw it, have him react in some way.

Characters

I see from your bio-block that you've published a lot of non-fiction. I spent most my career as an academic--I was a research mathematician--writing non-fiction, but you clearly wrote and published more extensively than I did. The clarity and economy of your prose shows that just-the-facts experience, and worked well with this narrative.

But...fiction is more than just the facts, or it least it usually is more. We get a bit of reaction from Ginger when she buries her head in his shoulder and laments the myriad deaths they've just witnessed. But, except for this moment, they focus on immediately on surviving. They assess the scope of the disaster in minutes, and in minutes more arrive on a course of action. They seem numb to what's happening around them, almost clinical in their reaction and in Fen's descriptions. Indeed, that clinical, analytical, and relentless focus is part of what makes this so horrifying.

But the result is that I felt distanced from Fen even though he's relating the events. In most fiction, I want to be inside the point-of-view character's head, sensing through them. The distancing comes both from the emotional tenor of narrative (or rather lack of emotion) and from the style (the "I sensed..." phrasing above, for example).

Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, this flat affect is part of what makes the story so horrifying. If they survive, it'll be precisely because they have been able to put aside the horrors. But, what if they found a small child, orphaned by the disaster? Would they help, or would they pedal on by, intent on their own survival? They make one choice, and pursue it relentlessly, but life isn't like that. Reality would intervene and force them to make hard choices. A better story would have them confront the ethical choices a disaster like this forces on people. Well, maybe not a better story, but one I would find more satisfying to read.

Grammar

The writing is polished, lucid, and economical. No grammar errors.

However, there are some instances of passive voice. For example

people seated up front were shredded by flying glass.

It would be easy to rephrase as "flying glass shredded people sitting up front." It's not just Strunk and White telling us "active voice is better." There's a reason it's better, especially in fiction.

We want our readers to be active participants in our story. It's impossilbe to put all the myriad details of the real world on the page. The buzz of flies, the clatter of silverware, the cracks in the sidewalk, birds soaring overhead. If we put them all on the page, no one would read it--it would be tiresome and dull. So, what we put on the page advances character or plot, and preferably both. We rely on the readers' imaginations to provide all those other details that bring the characters to life.

Back to passive verbs. They put the readers in passive mode, but we want active readers for the reasons in the prior paragraph. So, everywhere you've got a passive verb, I'd consider an active one instead.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

This is a good story, and excellent story in fact. I could wish it portrayed more realistic or compelling ethical choices for the characters, but that doesn't mean it's not a good story--just that it's not one my personal idiosyncacies would prefer. There's lots of mystery here, as well. So, this is a fine story, and eminently publishable.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

My reviews are usually filled with line-by-line comments, but I don't think you need that. I've made some specific suggestions about (the "I felt..." places for example) that can address or not, as you see fit. You are talented and effective writer who doesn't need line-by-line comments.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

47

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4666988

Review of The fortune teller

Review by

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The fortune teller"

by WakeUpAndLive️~🚬🚭2024

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
A story about a fortune teller with a nice twist at the end. I like stories with twists, so I enjoyed this one.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a good job with all the basic tasks. You name your POV character, put her in action, and orient the reader in time and space. You also give the reader a good idea of what the story is about. I had a couple of minor quibbles about word choices (see the line-by-line remarks belodw), but this opening gets all the important stuff right. Good job!

Plot
Hecate starts out conning people with fake fortunes, so she's got room to grow as a character. I kind of saw the ending coming, but it was still satisfying.

BTW, the scene where she does the initial reading is especially well-drawn, showing her getting extra money and then using nonverbal cues from the woman to form her "reading." Really good writing here.

Style and Voice
This is more or less third person limited, in Hecate's head. We learn her thoughts and motives, and see the fictional world through her senses. There are a couple of little places where a slight tweak to the text could reinforce that some of the information is what she's thinking at the time (as opposed to the narrator intruding to tell the reader stuff), but overall you did a good job with the point-of-view. See line-by-line comments for some places where you might consider nudging the text.

Referencing
Modern era. At the start, she's in a tent at a "fair," but it's not clear exactly where the latter events occur. Is she in her home, or a rented space? Does she call on a cell phone (which would nail this as current)? Not that these details are especially important except as they serve to help the reader visualize the events of the story.

Scene/Setting
See above. A few details on setting might help reveal a bit more about Hecate's character and the plot. I wouldn't do much--just bit more of things like where you mention the stitching in her gown.

Characters
Hecate goes from a cold con artist, to self-serving concern about someone dying "on her watch," to genuinely caring about the man. All believalbe because of your deft presentation.

Grammar
I didn't find any grammar errors, although I don't generally read for those. I did find at least one instance of a needless adverb--see the line-by-line remarks.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed this little gem of a story. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with the contest!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Madam Hecate poured water into a small dark barrel and looked intensely at its surface. My Comment: As I said above, this is a good first sentence. But...I think a couple of tweaks might improve it. One is the “looked intensely.” Certainly “looked” is a tepid verb, but the way to poop it up isn’t with an adverb but rather with a more precise verb, such as “peered.” Secondly, “small” is a vague adjective that doesn’t provide a sense of scale. Perhaps it’s the size of a coffee urn sitting on her table? Or is it a re-purposed oaken cigar humidor that she’d gotten at a garage sale? Maybe it’s an old oak beer keg. All of these give a sense of scale without giving exact dimensions.

Within a few minutes, she watched a picture emerge.

Or, that’s what she told the customer anyway.My Comment: Of course, this reveals that Hecate is a con artist, but it feels like the narrator intruding to state a fact. Reframing it just a bit could make this something Hecate is thinking. For example,

After a few minutes, she sneaked a peek at the woman sitting across from her and intoned, “A picture emerges.” With any luck, the old biddy would fall for her line.

I’m sure you can do better—you know Hecate and her customer far better than I do. The point is that a small reframing takes the narrator out and reinforces Hecate’s POV.

OMG, Hecate thought with disdain, just another sucker to play with. What was it with all those silly people? Couldn’t they tell she was only toying with them?My Comment: You’ve correctly used italics to mark off Hecate’s internal thoughts. However, standard practice is to omit “thought tags” when doing this.

took the transpicuous crystal ball, My Comment: I like obscure polysyllables as much as the next guy, but I’m not sure why “transparent” or “translucent” wouldn’t be better here.

The time was near, the place was here.My Comment: Is this Hecte’s thought? It’s in italics, but I wasn’t sure. I’m guessing that instead this a voice whispering in her mind since the same phrase appears at the end with clearer context.

First, she did her research and read a couple of books on witchcraft. My Comment: Writing this review sent me off to Google “Hagiël,” which in turn led to Henry Cornelius Agrippa and his 16th-century three-volume book Three Books of Occult Philosophy. I’m sure you must have followed a similar path, so instead of “a couple of books” it might add verisimilitude to explicitly mention Agrippa.

The time was near, the place was here.My Comment: Of course, this is the same quote as above, where I wasn’t sure whether or not it was Hecate’s thought. In this context, it seems more likely it was Hagiël’s.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

48

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4664402

Review of The Mule Trainer

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Need a review? Visit

Hi. Max here. First, my sincere apologies for my dilatory response to your review request. As I get older, I seem to have a harder and harder time with deadlines. In any case, I'm glad to have read this story, which I much enjoyed.

Item Reviewed: "The Mule Trainer"

by Daisan

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
The use of dialect is what really makes this story shine. I know I've written to you before about how masterful I find your work in this respect, but that doesn't change my admiration for the skill you've shown. That alone makes this story worth reading, and the homespun and humorous wisdom is an added plus.

Opening
From your note, I realize that this is an extract from a larger work, so I'm confident that it has a lead-in that sets the scene.

From your comment, I have inferred that you want me to look at the quotes-inside-quotes parts of this, which leads me into a discussion of rules from the Chicago Manual of Style. That seems almost beside the point for the wonderful way this is written, but, on thinking about it (or over-thinking about it), I might have something useful to say on this topic. So,here, goes.

Punctuation
I don't really have grammar comments--except admiration for the grammatical aspects of Lil Charles' dialect. However, I do have some technical commments on the typography of quotes-within-quotes, along with a suggestion or two.

When a character speaks in a story, the words he speaks are usually placed inside double quotes--as you correctly did. However, when the character's speech includes quoting someone else, this secondary quote-within-a-quotee should be enclosed in single quotes.

By way of example, here's your opening paragraph:

“My daddy told me ‘bout this man had a mule he’d bought from a farmer lived down the road from him. "Now, this here mule was young and strong but don’t you know he wouldn’t do right once you had him in the harness at the head of a plow. He’d tell him to “Gee haw!” and mule’d back up. He’d tell’im “Gee!” and the mule’d go left. He’d tell’im “Haw!” and the mule’d go right. That or he wouldn’t move at all.”

The three parts highlighted in purple are spots where you're quoting the farmer inside the larger speech by Lil Charles, so they should be enclosed in single quotes instead of double quotes (but see below).

However, there's the greem-highlighted text to consider. Initially when I read this, I took the double quote before ""Now" to be a typo. However, in retrospect, it's also reasonable to think that Lil Charles is quoting his father at this point. If that's the case, then a quote-within-a-quote would use single quotes, not double quotes, as noted above, so "Now should be preceded with a single quote, not a double quote: 'Now. You'd also need to end this extened quote-within-dialogue with a single quote at the very end of the paragraph, so it would read ...wouldn't move at all.'" [note the single quote, ending the father's speech, followed by the double quote terminating Lil Charles's speech]

That alternate reading, where we have a long internal quote from Lil Charles' father inside Lil Charles' dialgoue, would make the purple items nested inside the father's speech which in turn is nested inside Lil Charles' speech, i.e., triply nested quotes. If they are indeed triply-nested, then the rule would be to put them inside double quotes (per paragraph 13.30 in Chicago Manual of Style, which says to alternate between double and single quotes as nesting increases).

I'm kind of struggling to make this clear. But that's the point. The purpose of the punctuation is the make clear who says what. But once the nesting gets higher than two, it also gets confusing. The punctuation clues are easy to miss in casual reading, and readers can readily lose track of who is saying what.

So, my *advice* here is to avoid triply-nested quotes. I think readers can readily follow doubly-nested quotes, but triply-nested are probably a quote too far. The direct quotes about the directions to the mule, of course, are essential to the story and need to remain. We already know Lil Charles is repeating a story his father told him, so slight changes to his narrative can reinforce that without directly quoting his father. For example, if you replace "Now... in the green highlight with Seems..., it's clear that Lil Charles' is relating the circumstances of his father's story.

Whew. I hope that was clear, along with my reasoning for what amounts to a one-word change and some minor typographic tweaks.

Now on to another comment and suggestion. Let's look at this paragraph.

“After a while, the mule struggle back to his feet and the mule trainer pull back his arm fixin’ to bust that sapsucker in the head again but the farmer runs over saying, “Waitaminute! Waitaminute! Man, are you tryin’ to kill my mule?” The mule trainer looks at the farmer shakin’ his head. “No suh,” he says, “I’m gettin’ ready to train’im.” The farmer points at the two-by-fo’ and say, “Gettin’ ready to train’im?” the farmer says. “If you call yo’self just ‘gettin’ ready’ to train him, what you been doin’ up 'til now?” The mule trainer looks at the two-by-fo’ then smiles and says to the farmer, “Well suh, befo’ I can train him I got to get his attention.”

This is really awesome writing, and I wouldn't change a single word. But...it kind of strings together, making it a little hard to read. This is all Lil Charles' speaking, relating the story, and he's doing so in marvelous dialect which adds enormous and subtle shading to the whole.

But it might be helpful to break it up a bit. Ordinarily, when a new person speaks, we'd start a new paragraph. The problem here is that this is all Lil Charles' speaking, but he's quoting more than one person as he speaks. I don't think there's a specific "rule" for this circumstance, but for clarity, you might break Lil Charles' dialogue into paragraphs as new characters speak within his telling of the story. If you do this, then each paragraph within the extended dialogue would start with a double quote, but only the final paragraph of Lil Charles speech would end with a double quote. Thus, you might consider the following for the above.

“After a while, the mule struggle back to his feet and the mule trainer pull back his arm fixin’ to bust that sapsucker in the head again but the farmer runs over saying, 'Waitaminute! Waitaminute! Man, are you tryin’ to kill my mule?' [note the single quote ends the farmer's speech, but the absence of a double quote indicates that Lil Charles isn't done speaking.]

"The mule trainer looks at the farmer shakin’ his head. 'No suh,' he says, 'I’m gettin’ ready to train’im.'

"The farmer points at the two-by-fo’ and say, 'Gettin’ ready to train’im?' the farmer says. 'If you call yo’self just ‘gettin’ ready’ to train him, what you been doin’ up 'til now?'

"The mule trainer looks at the two-by-fo’ then smiles and says to the farmer, 'Well suh, befo’ I can train him I got to get his attention.'”

Curtis and Emerson burst out laughing.

Note that I've changed the internal quotes, where Lil Charles relates the farmer's and the trainer's words, in single quotes, per the rule mentioned above. Lil Charles' entire speech is enclosed in double quotes. Each paragraph *inside* his speech starts with a double quote, but doesn't END with a double quote until he's done speaking, in the final paragraph. I added your reaction line just for clarity.

I think this reads better, although the absence of a closing quote at the first and intermediate paragraphs, which indicate that Lil Charles is continuing to speak, is kind of small and easy to miss. For additional clarity, you could break speech with descriptions of Lil Charles affect, like his tone or facial expression, or with a reaction from his listeners, as you do at the ending. I'd minimize these, though, as I think you want the readers focused more on the story that Lil Charles is relating and less on the telling of it.

Just my personal opinion
I loved the story. I love Lil Charles. I am in awe of your talent with dialect. Keep writing! I sincerely hope this is what you were looking for.

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

49

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4655219

Review of Sword

Review by

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "Sword"

by Barex Aster

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
There is some really fine wordsmithing in this chapter. It's filled with excellent, vivid descriptions, some lyrical, but always lovely. The prose shows you spent a lot of time crafting the words, choosing them for maximum effect.

Plot
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

This chapter is actually three, more or less disconnected segments. Lovely as the prose was, I confess I had a hard time following the first segment. I couldn't tell if I was reading a SciFi story with advanced technology or a swords-and-sorcerers fantasy. In fact, I'm still not sure exactly what the raven is. An intelligent bird? A fancy bit of tech? Or a real raven?

The final segment is somewhat clearer. I infer we have a princess who has been trained--possibly using extraordinary powers--to lead her armies. She seems to have not only powers, but a sword which she didn't deploy in this segment. She also seems to be a bit of a slackard in terms of her duties, although she also seems to have mastered an impressive range of fighting techniques. Apparently, she's about to assume the mantel of her duties, heir to her father. We meet her teacher--Wurlett--and a matronly figure named Mrs. Claudus. She's not exactly Miss Danvers, but her role in the household seems similar.

So...there's a LOT here. It's kind of overwhelming, getting all of this at once. Clearly, you've got a highly detailed fictional world, and these chapters drop the reader in the middle of it. The final section, filled with action, is the best, but...well, read on. There are some bits missing that would help readers.

Opening
The opening is lovely. Well, everything here is lovely, so all three segments have lovely openings. But all three segments open with an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, describing things to the reader. This puts the *reader* outside the story, too.

All three openings have the feel of special effects in a movie. Indeed, the visuals might make a dynamite opening to a movie. But this isn't a movie. It's words on a page, and the psychology is different. In a movie, the *camera* is the eye of the audience. It's supplemented by the score, the lighting, the color choices, the special effects, the Foley artist, and other endless bits of of the art and science of motion pictures.

All a novelist has is words on the page. In a movie, everything happens on the screen. In a novel, everything happens in the head of reader. Effective novels inspire the readers to collaborate with the author in imagining the fictional world. The world comes to live in the reader's imaginations.

The most effective way to do that is to first put the reader inside the head of the point-of-view character. If the reader is in Kara's head, for example, feeling the silken touch of her pillow, the scratch of sleep in her eyes, the whoosh of air as the sword misses her cheek, then they are also inside your fictional world.

In the final section, the action *centers* on Kara, but an omniscient narrator tells the story. So, my first and main suggestion, is that you deploy your impressive wordsmithing skills to put the reader inside her head. Be relentless. Show the story the way she's experiencing it. The scent of the flowers, the feathery touch of her hair, the unyeilding metal when she kicks the Captain. Bring her to life instead of describing her.

In the line-by-line comments below, I make some specific comments about exploiting point of view to bring the story alive.

Characters
Kurt Vonnegut said that every character needed to want something, even if it's just a glass water.

More broadly, your protagonist--Kara--needs to have a goal. The goal has to matter: something bad must happen if she fails to achieve her goal. These are the stakes. Finally, Kara must have obstacles, something that stands in the way of achieving her goal.

The conflict between goals and obstacles gives rise to tension, the engine that drives your novel. The characters care about the outcome of that conflict because of the stakes. You can increase tension by raising the stakes, raising the obstacles, or broadening the goals.

In this chapter, we have only a vague notion of Kara's goal, and less of the stakes. As a consequence, as well-written as the fight is in the third segment, readers don't have much reason to care about the outcome. Indeed, Kara doesn't seem to much care--there's little sense of urgency in her during the fight.

The Captain has clearer goals, but again the stakes are unclear.

Claudus is the most opaque of all.

Goals, stakes, and obstacles are critical elements of story telling. I know that your story has all of these, because I'm sure you've thoroughly thought through your fictional world. But this chapter needs to show these things from the first paragraph.

You also need to give your readers a reason to care about your characters. Usually, this isn't much of a problem since readers will *want* to care about Kara, for example. But she gets off to kind of dubious start. She oversleeps. She lies to Claudus, and not very well. She doesn't seem appreciative of the people who help her. In short, she's not likable. She doesn't *have* to be likable, however, for readers to cheer for her. Deckard, in Bladerunner, isn't likable, but readers cheer for him.

Hook
The most compelling hooks are disaster, dilemma, and decision. Ending with a goal, conflict, or reaction is weaker but can be effective, depending on the situation.

I appreciate that you cut your chapter to meet the word limit guidelines for the review site, so no doubt the hook got cut. Note that the essence of a hook is unfinished action. If you've created characters readers will care about, with stakes that are high, readers will feel compelled to turn the page to the next chapter. That's the goal of a hook.

Style and Voice
Your voice is lovely and polished, but it's the voice of an omniscient narrator. If you're unfamiliar with third person limited, I can suggest some reading. It wouldn't take a lot to make the third segment third person limited in Kara's head and would, in my view, greatly improve the narrative.

Scene/Setting
Vonnegut gave lots of good advice to authors. Another of his suggestions is that every sentence should advance character or plot, and preferably both. He was writing about short stories when he said this, but it's still good advice to keep in mind.

You've done a wonderful job with descriptions and have a real talent at it. But, again, they often feel like an omniscient narrator is standing outside the story, describing things. It's better if you can tweak things so that it's Kara interacting with the fictional world, running a finger along the irridescent sheet, for example. That way, it's her acting and sensing rather than someone describing.

Grammar
I don't read for grammar, but I almost always find things to whine about. Not so, here. Good job!

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

There is a lot to love here. There's a clearly detailed and well-thought-out fictional world. There is your amazing skill at description and elegant word-smithing. There are some rough edges, but you clearly have the skills to polish this and make it amazing. Thank you for sharing, and keep writing! You have impressive talent.

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Kara’s golden eyes opened halfway and glistened the whitish light blooming from the arched windows. The left side of her face sunken within the red silk of her pillow and tangled mane of hair matching her eyes in color nearly smothering it, she closed her eyes once more before slowly pushing herself up.My Comment: this is *so close* to being a great opening. You name your POV character, Kara. You have her doing things. The writing is evocative. But it’s an omniscient narrator telling us stuff.
For example, Kara can’t see the color of her eyes, so we start off with a POV violation—describing something she can’t see. If you start with her sensing things—as you nearly do—it’s stronger, because you’re reporting internal things that only she feels. Putting the reader in her head in the opening sentence brings the scene to life. All the impressive descriptions that follow are then things that *she* has seen, heard, and felt. Being in her head personalizes the experience and stimulates the readers’ imaginations.

“Your Highness!” The muffled call of a woman. “You better be awake and ready in there. Captain Wurlett has been waiting for you.”My Comment: Surely she knows this is Claudus, so why not say so now? You could also give us a sense of who, exactly Claudus is, what her job is.

“W-Wait!” Kara leapt out of her bed, sheets flying. Her bare feet hit the carpet with a thud and she bolted for the door, reaching out for the turning door knob. “Not yet! I—”My Comment: Some internal sensations here would be helpful. Panic flutters in her chest, or electricity jitters down her spine. Maybe the floor is cold against her bare feet. Be in her head, i.e., put the readers in her head.

“Hmph,” Kara lightly laughed. My Comment: I didn’t like her much before, but this light, dismissive laugh made me dislike her. Some emotional subtext would soften this, or even reverse it. Maybe she feels trapped, with people like Claudus always hovering, placing demands on her. But right now, it sounds like Claudus is a loyal retainer and Kara lies to her and shrugs off her help.

Finally, note the adverb, “lightly.” Usually, a more precise verb—maybe snickered in this case—is better than pepping up a weak verb with an adverb.

That’s why Ms. Talia is not present.”My Comment: who is this?

Claudus sighed. “21 years in and you still can’t help but feel like you’re constantly making the world harder for everyone else. My Comment: That’s exactly the sense I’m getting—a spoiled child. Also, write out twenty-one.

“No need to worry, Mrs. Claudus,” said a slightly muffled, male voice from behind Kara.My Comment: Again, don’t have the voice speak, have the character speak.

Shing!My Comment: Is this the sound of her summoning her weapon, as the prior sentence suggests? Or is it the sound of Wurlett’s weapon? And it it a sword, or something else?

Eyes widened, jaw open with shock, she watched him hold the blade for a second over his head. My Comment: She can’’t see her eyes or her jaw. A smiple rephrase can put this inside her head as opposed to an external observer reporting her appearance.

c:lgrey}

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

50

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4645529

Review of The Pharaoh of Ayubia

Review by

In affiliation with Crosstimbers Novel Workshop Gr...

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Item Reviewed: "The Pharaoh of Ayubia "

by Tiberius

Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

What I liked best
I enjoyed this tale, written in the style of Poe or Melville. It has a satisfying twist at the ending, and a tone fitting for plot.

Opening
Openings are critical in any work of fiction. Some editors and agents will decide whether or not to read your submission based only on your first sentence.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Your opening does a fine job of setting the scene. You put us in the head of the narrator fairly quickly with the squawking seagulls and other sensations at the port. It's a bit heavy on background, but doesn't quite slip into the info-dump area. So, overall, good job here--but see below on characters.

Plot
Nice plot. I won't give it away.

Style and Voice
First person, in Qaza's head. No slips. It has a nice, archaic feel appropriate to the story.

Scene/Setting
Good job throughout incorporating Qaza's sensations into the scene.

Characters
By the end of the story, we understand thoroughly who Qaza Matli is. Indeed, that's a big part of the twist that makes the story enjoyable.

But...

Qaza is a pretty opaque character, even though the entire story is in his point of view. By the end, we realize he's had a goal all along, but the only hint of a goal earlier is "survival," and that's pretty nebulous. Every character, but especially the protagonist, needs a goal. The goal has to matter--those are the stakes. Finally, there needs to be obstacles to achieving the goal. You've got all three of those, but I think the story would be stronger if we felt those elements from the very start.

Qaza's goal, for example, is tied up to his childhood and those who slighted him. It's also tied to his father and (maybe?) those who betrayed him. It would be simple enough to tweak this to bring out revenge as a goal early on, or at least justice. You might even mention a long-lost brother who was among those who rejected him as a child (as in, "even my own brother forsake me.") His very isolation and powerlessness are obstacles. This all turns with the arrival of Pharoah in the story, something that readers realize by the ending but which you foreshadow nicely by showing the Pharoah's mortal nature (he gets seasick).

So, I'd suggest considering a tweak that gives Qaza a clearer set of goals, stakes, and obstacles that foreshadow but don't give away the twist, which I liked quite a lot.

Grammar

Repeated words.

Reusing words or phrases in close proximity runs the risk of making your prose seem monotone. I've highlighted one or two places where you've got repeated words.

Adverbs.

You don't overuse adverbs, but they show up enough to be worth a comment. You know what Stephen King says about adverbs . I think he is correct. Adverbs are often a shorthand in which the author falls into "telling" rather than "showing." I try to use zero adverbs, since otherwise I'd sprinkle them all over the place like fairy dust.

I've marked one or more places in the line-by-line comments below where I think you might consider a more precise verb or a touch more description rather than an adverb.

Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I enjoyed this story quite a lot. The characters, setting, plot, and literary style come together nicely to produce a satisfying tale with a twist ending. Thank you for sharing and do keep on writing!!!

Line-by-line remarks

Your text is in BLUE.

My comments are in GREEN.

If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.

Amenhotep bowed once more, holding tightly to his staff. That staff was a murky labyrinth of darknessMy Comment: “Staff” repeats...see above.

Amenhotep and the Pharaoh quickly boarded the ship and sat. My Comment: Note the adverb. You might consider a more precise verb, or a more precise description. Their bottoms aching,

I could see the sweat glistening from their robes.My Comment: We have a first person narrator, so arguably everything he reports, like the glistening sweat, is something he has seen. Thus, phrases like “I coujld see” not only are redundant, they are a subtle form of telling. If you want to emphasize he “could see” it, have him react in some manner—which you do a bit later when you say it’s surreal.

A very nasty voice broke my thoughts.My Comment: Mark Twain once said that every time he was tempted to use the word “very,” he’d use a cuss word instead. He knew his editor would delete the profanity and then, he said, his text would look the way it should have in the first place. His point, of course, was to not use the word “very,” which is more or less empty of content and is just a speed bump in your prose.

We passed broken gigantic statures of the gods. My Comment: Typo? Did you mean statues?

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job.

Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Thanks again for sharing this item. Keep on writing!

Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈
http://MaxGriffin.net/
http://MaxGriffin.net/blog/
Check out

FOLDER

Thoughts on Writing

(NPL)
Short essays on the craft of fiction.
#1847273 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .