 Comedy: April 01, 2020 Issue [#10099] |
This week: Spring! Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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I'm really quite simple. I plant flowers and watch them grow... I stay at home and watch the river flow.
-George Harrison
Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later.
-Og Mandino
Every time I plant a seed, He say kill it before it grow, he say kill it before they grow.
-Bob Marley |
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Amazon's Price: $ 12.95
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Well, Spring is finally here! After an interminable winter, it's nice to finally have some warm weather so we can enjoy the outd-
*record scratch*
Sigh. Never mind.
Look, things are tough all over, I get it. Me, I've been staying at home, self-isolating, avoiding all social contact, getting groceries delivered, playing video games, watching streaming shows and movies, and maybe getting a little writing in when I have some free time.
I'd like to say that's virtue signaling, that I'm doing it to help slow the spread of the dread Covfefe-19 virus. I'd like to, but I can't; that's just my usual life.
My housemate's life has changed a bit, though. While she normally works from home most of the time, she's been used to going to her office two or three times a week. It's important for her to get away from my repulsive presence from time to time. But now she's home all the time.
The problem is, she's an epidemiologist.
She also decided, because it's spring, to start some plants growing.
Now, look, I spent my childhood on a farm. We had a big garden. I had no problem going out there every day (well, almost every day) and tending to the plants. They thrived. But now? Now I have decided that farming is too much like work, so I live in a city. Possibly as retribution, the Universe has made it so that I kill plants by looking at them.
People think I'm joking or exaggerating, but I'm not. I had a co-worker once who brought in a cactus. Those things are the archetype for "plants that require the least care." It's practically impossible to kill a cactus except by overwatering or running it through a chipper. This particular co-worker was careful not to do either of these things. And I was very, very careful not to touch the cactus, because it's a cactus.
But I looked at it, and it was dead within the week.
It's not just cacti. It's everything. One time I got it in my head to grow my own basil, because almost every time I wanted fresh basil and went to the grocery store, they were out. So I bought me a nice, hardy-looking basil plant and followed its care instructions to the letter.
The next day, I had dried basil.
My housemate expressed her excitement about her prospective garden on Twitface. She's still got my ex as a friend there, and my ex was like, "You're trying to grow plants with Waltz in the house?"
So, see, I'm not exaggerating. I kill plants by looking at them. It's my superpower. I thought my superpower was punning; however, other people can pun as well as I can. But no one - no one - kills plants like I do. If I were in a Batman comic, Batman would be fighting Poison Ivy and he'd turn to me and growl, "This one's all yours, Waltz."
If, one year, Spring fails to arrive, if the land stays barren and brown, if the grass fails to grow and the flowers fail to bloom and the trees stay bare, you'll know it's not climate change or volcanic ash or the Earth's orbit shifting. It's because my powers finally got out of control.
Until then, do try to enjoy the warmer weather, in spite of current events. Unless you're in the southern hemisphere, in which case, enjoy not being on fire for a few months. |
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Last time, in "Fools" , I talked about April Fools' Day -- or, as I like to call it, Comedy Christmas.
Quick-Quill  : In the long years I've lived I've been exposed to numerous practical jokes. Some on April 1 others just for the laugh. I tried to remember the one I heard from last year and I couldn't recall it. Maybe there will be a new one this year for me to laugh at/with.
Who's laughing now? Huh? HUH?
And that's it for me for this episode of Who's Laughing Now? See you next time! Until then, stay safe and
LAUGH ON!!! |
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