 Comedy: July 05, 2023 Issue [#12044] |
This week: Cataract Chronicles Conclusion Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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I am pleased to report both my cataracts have been removed! I am one happy camper.  |
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Amazon's Price: $ 15.99
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Hello folks! Happy summer to all of us in the Northern Hemisphere.
I am very grateful going into summer this year. For one thing I can see again! I never realized how bad my eyes had gradually gotten until they were very bad. Last summer was when the double vision developed and road signs became unreadable. My target shooting was a different type of adventure when I had to ask my brother to point me in the general direction of the two targets I saw down range.
"Sis, there's only one target."
"Thanks, brother. Could you please tell me if the bad guy is the one on the top or the bottom of the one target YOU see."
"Aim in-between the two. You'll probably get part of the only target you are shooting at."
Happy to report, those days are over. But the second cataract surgery needs its moment in the Cataract Chronicles. 
June 5th
That Monday morning I was the first surgery of the day. That made me happy. I asked for a quick in and out procedure and even less medication. I was told I had been given 2 Valiums for the first surgery. Okay, I have to argue that point. I'm sure I took one big Valium, or what I thought was one big Valium with my double vision. However, when I saw the one they gave me, it did look smaller. I took that one and they went on with the blood pressure and heart and oxygen measurement thingies on fingers and below neck area.  Hey, it's my witchy industry term for those medical things.
Since I was the first patient to go, I was actually waiting in the recovery room where I could peek over my left shoulder and see "Surgery Suite" written on a door with my one good eye. I could tell it was the recovery room because they had a tray of individually wrapped snacks on the counter across from my gurney. They have a rule whereby you cannot be released unless you eat something and drink something. No, they didn't have any red wine. I could also see the other patients across the hall that are placed in curtain partitioned stalls. That's where I was placed for my last surgery. I liked my private space with the snacks showing.  I used my good eye to scan the selection, and decided peanut butter crackers were the best junk-food option they offered. I don't like sweet stuff, so it was an easy selection.
It was my time to be rolled into the "suite." I saw the familiar faces of my doctor, his assistant and the anesthesiologist, whom I asked to give me much less anesthesia than the last time which left me a bit woozy for several hours afterwards. I guess she complied because I seemed much more aware of my procedure. I saw the familiar bright light of the microscope as I did during the last surgery. I did not get much of the neon green this time but did get some pinks and yellows and a bit of brown.  I missed seeing the burning copper green. I was hoping that it didn't mean my left eye would be a weaker result than my right eye. My left eye has always been the stronger and dominant eye. Well, too late to worry about it now as my lens was about to be removed and a new one in its place.
Suddenly, I heard my doctor ask his assistant if his cable was stuck on anything. Okay, now I'm think this must be the "Oops, Oh, darn" moments I mentioned in one of my earlier Cataract Chronicles. I was tempted to ask to be put into a deeper twilight sleep, but fought the urge because no way did I want to forget a potential law suit and the pain, anxiety and suffering I experienced while that cable was stuck and my eye was exposed to who knows what!
Nah, there wasn't all that much time to worry since the assistant helped maneuver the cable around that which had it stuck, namely my gurney within a second. Quite impressive, indeed. There goes my lawsuit and the house on the beach. 
Meanwhile, once the ultrasound device that the doctor referred to as a chiseling action or more like a mini jackhammer was his response when I asked him after the first surgery what kind of knife, machete, or razor blade did he use to remove the old lens, he chiseled away and placed in the new lens and was done in under ten minutes. I was pushed back to the recovery room where I ordered the peanut butter crackers and ginger ale before they even asked me what I wanted. I sat up before the gurney was straightened up and tossed one foot over the table as I sat there while they were still pulling out the IV and those other thingies attached to my being.
"Whoa, look at WebWitch all ready to go!"
"Yes, may I leave now? I don't feel all medicated and want to go home, now."
"Yes, WW, but you have to wait for the wheelchair. We don't want anything happening to you like a slip and fall. There are some patients, we don't mean you, who actually think of any way they can to bring a lawsuit."  
I have to report that I felt great once in old Ruby and I said, "Home, James."
At home I made something to eat -- real food as I had been deprived for 12 hours. That evening I went to the clubhouse and got online. That night when I left I saw all the parking lights in the lot. They were spectacular! It was like each one had a bright Ferris wheel around it, an inner circle and an outer one. My eyes were tripping big time. I know it was not the medication given to me. That had worn off quickly. It was the fact that they use very strong and long lasting dilating eye drops. It takes well over 24 hours to return back to normal dilation. Hey, I was thrilled I got to experience the night view and the glow around the parking lot lights! In fact, It was so fascinating I grabbed my phone's camera out of sheer reflex action. I had to get a photo of that to share with everyone. I know what you're thinking... Yeah, sure WebWitch. We'll all be able to see through your dilated lenses --NOT! Your camera lens will only see the regular lot lights and take a picture of something quite boring.
Of course you are right! I didn't actually follow through with the snapshot. Although I must admit, I did grab my camera before I realized that fact.
All in all, folks -- if you need cataract surgery, get it. If not for the hallucinating type of light shows, then for the clear vision.
My checkup the next day showed nearly perfect 20-20 vision while eyes were still dilated and there was still swelling. They said it was quite remarkable. Perhaps witchy eyes heal faster? We shall see!
And this is the conclusion of the Cataract Chronicles! 
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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