 Comedy: April 28, 2010 Issue [#3692] |
  Comedy
This week: Census OR Senseless Survey? Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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Folks it's April, 2010 and that means we've all received our 10 year Census forms, here in the States. Now I don't know about you, but I have received some strange questions on that official form over the decades. If you'd like to know how Webwitch handled her Census forms over the years, stay tuned ... |
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Wow, it's the end of April, already, can you believe that? The weather is getting beautiful, the gardens are sprouting and the dog poop left by the neighbors' pets is harder to see as the white snow has been replaced by muddy grass.  Of course to top off having to dig the surprise package out of my well-grooved Harley Davidson, Riding Boots, I received this decade's US Census form.
I have been a thorn in the side of these information seekers for at least thirty years. Likewise, they have been invasive intruders in my life, just as the above mentioned pile of poop on my lawn. I remember when the Census came on a postcard sized form. Now, we are treated to pages of questions. What ever happened to the "use less paper, save a tree," mindset?
When I lived in California, or as it's now referred to , Cahleefonia, by the Governator, I was always the seventh house on the street. It didn't matter if I moved or lived on a corner, it was always the seventh house," thus , the one doomed to receive the dreaded long form according to my mailman at the time. Oh, puhleeze, don't give me that PC, he's a mail carrier, crap. He's a man who carried mail, thus a mailman. When you think about the lengths this could go to. You knock out the offensive word, "man," and replace it with "person," for the extreme PC crowd. Although, you'd have to consider the feelings of those who can't spell or are English Second Language, who see the word "mail," and think that is a "man," whom we've already dubbed "person." Thus, we would have to take this mailman scenario to a higher step and end up calling him " a person-person." However, I digress. This isn't about that crap, it's about survey crap.
I received a long form that actually asked me to number the amount of toilets I had in my house, the number of lights used in each room, the kind of flooring I had and some odd questions about my plumbing. I think that's a little personal--that's what a GYN, is supposed to be concerned about, right? 
Besides such pervasive questions, they placed a threat at the bottom of the form, stating that if I answered any questions falsely, I could be fined five-hundred dollars and get jail time or six months in the electric chair, whichever was more dire in their opinion. Wait a minute! Hold on here! Isn't the US Census about counting people? Why yes it is! It is that very first question on the survey, that is outlined all by itself, separated from the rest of the "survey." Why's that? Because it is the only question we are constitutionally required to answer. Folks, it is always the only question I answer.
Once you have tossed away all the bull crap from the purpose of the survey, life becomes much easier.  So, I answered question one with a "7," the number of people living in my home at the time. A few months later, this woman comes knocking at my door, with an official badge, (Ooh, I'm really scared now!  ) a briefcase and an attitude. "Excuse me, you have sent in your Official Census with blanks."
"Well excuse me, should I have used real bullets?"
"This is a serious matter. Have you read about the fines and imprisonment, not to mention the six months in the electric chair?!!"
"Why, yes, I have. Which is why I didn't answer the questions. You, see, it states right there, on that form in your nicotine stained fingers, that if I answer any question falsely, I could be fined. It did not say I would be fined for not answering the questions at all. So to repeat my required civic duty, "7!" That's our official head-count. Thank you and goodbye."
I slammed the door and went on with my life for another ten years.
That's what I did for this year's Census, also. Oh, except I only had to write "3". Although the survey part was less ridiculous than it was in that past decade, it was still unrelated to the original intent of the Census. Samoan, Hawaiian, Fijian are they all separate races or just different cultures? Chinese, Japanese, Korean and Vietnamese are all recognized as separate races. Caucasians are just "White." I don't think I'm "white." I tan very easily, I have that French/Italian, olive thing going. Is olive white? What if I was adopted? Could I be sure I wasn't one of the Hispanic blends, that for the purpose of this survey are not considered a separate race? What difference does it make what race you are for the purpose of getting a head count in order to assign how many representatives a particular area gets? Aren't all people, people? Do you get more or less representation if you are from Samoa or Fiji? 
I mean, after reading the questions, I don't even know for sure what race I am. I think they need another couple response choices. *I don't know! AND *I don't care!
That's all she wrote for this month's Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time, laugh hard--laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch
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drjim
Ah WW, the growing pains of learning how to golf! I must applaud you though, for the exemplary efforts in "hitting" sand trap shots and "executing" lanscaping manuevers par excellence! Removing the basketball hoop was a classic WW lore! Now, if only you could move that half-dead, 195 year old Maple from the lower grounds...
Great writing, WW, and look forward to your next MVP (Most Valuable Putter) Award-winning Comedy NL!!
As Ever,
Dr J
Yup, Doc, the hoop is down. Now, if I can only figure out how to move it from my lawn! Thanks for the feedback, Dr. J!
Morgan Adam Internet Problems! 
Oh, you make me laugh so much, WW!!! Too fun! - Morgan
I'm so happy you got a chuckle out of my lack of golfing expertise, Morgan. My landscaping skills have improved, though!  Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it.
Coolhand
I enjoyed your golf outing,WW, but especially the "fourth hole". I love a gal that takes matters into her own hands. Funny. Very funny.
Why thank you, Coolhand. I appreciate a man who appreciates a woman who takes matters into her own hands.  Would you believe WL is taking me golfing again? 
redfern-p
you two!
you're mental!
hahahaha!
and dagnabbit?...doesn't deputy dog say that?..
how young am i... 
also, when ya hit a dangerous ball you shout four - right?
so, if you miss the ball completly do you shout three?...or two even?..or maybe even one?...
just a thought....
hahahaha
Always great to hear your opinions, Paul. I was blinded for a moment by your very bright case. Congratulations on your promotion!  Thanks for figuring out the "Dagnabbit" thing, too!!!
Thank you for your feedback, folks! We editors really appreciate it. 
See you next month!
WW
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