 Comedy: December 07, 2010 Issue [#4113] |
  Comedy
This week: No! Not Christmas Tree Time, Again! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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Happy RamaHanuKwanzMasSolstice folks! Gee, I hope I didn't leave anybody out. 
However you celebrate the holidays, there is one common thread that unites us all, we've got to work at it!
Here at Chez Webwitch, the laborious part has to do with finding the perfect, Christmas Web-Tree. To find out more, follow me into my Web-Writes ... |
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Ah, yes, it's that time of year, again, folks! It's the time that WW prepares for the great, family tradition, called, "The Hunt."
Many of you are familiar with the mostly ill-fated romp through the woodlands of a Christmas tree farm. This year, I decided, that after years of struggle, freezing feet, numb fingers, bloody nose and bruised cheeks, (all four of them,) something had to change. Tradition be damned!
Yes, folks, this year I decided to put the brakes on the painful hunt. I announced to Web-Son, who is nineteen-years-old, and up to his eyeballs in college work, that The Hunt," as we know it is O-V-E-R!
"But, Mom, we'll never find the perfect, twelve-foot tree for our eight-foot ceiling , at a local tree lot!"
"Nevertheless, WS, we are doing things differently this year. Christmas is about love, family, sharing and giving, not how big and full our Christmas tree is."
Well, Web-Son finally agreed that we all had too much on our plates to stress over a tree. 
I set out for the greatest tree hunting adventure I've ever experienced! Yes, folks, I turned to the Internet! "Are you kidding? You're going to send me a realistic, fake, White Pine tree and it's pre-lit?!!! I don't have to leave my home and trudge through the woods?"  OMG, I love the Capitalistic mindset!
I got offline, thrilled with my new way of hunting. The next day, I headed for the local department/tractor/hardware, store, to take advantage of the afterThanksgiving sales, or what was left out there after "Black Friday."
My nose picked up a familiar scent. It was very piny. It got stronger as I approached the store front. There they were, dozens of pre-cut Christmas trees in all shapes of fullness and reasonable heights. They were standing at attention -- almost mocking me for my recent synthetic leafed choice.
"Oh, Web-Lock, I just realized that I'm going to really miss the wonderful smell of pine in the house. "
"But Web~Witch, you just stood your ground, admirably I might add, and ordered that very expensive. fake, erh, I mean, realistic, pre-lit tree."
"I know, WL, but I just have to have at least a small, real tree inside one of the rooms, for the scent of Christmas. "
Well, WL, gave in and agreed that a small, table sized tree would be a nice addition to the Web-Home. I thanked him for seeing the advantage of having the fresh scent inside the house. We went inside the store and were told that any tree they had would be thirty bucks! Any tree, folks!
Now I ask you, is it worth buying a Charlie Brown, type of Christmas tree, when you could buy an eight-foot, full-bodied, one? Did you say no way? See, I knew you'd agree with my sound reasoning. 
We got out of the store and I ran toward the trees and grabbed the biggest one. Web-Lock was yelling something indistinguishable, as I bolted toward the parking lot, dragging tree-zilla, behind me.
I opened the back door of my Volvo, SUV, grabbed the lever to lower the seats so as to make room for the tree, and pulled the fragrant object toward the trunk. WL, who had caught up with me, was trying to talk sense into me. It was too late and he knew it. The wonderful gentleman he is, he picked up the tree and placed it in the trunk.
We got home and beeped the horn for WS to help unload the car.
"Mom, you got a real tree, too! Woo-Hoo! That's the spirit!"
The next day, we went out to do more Christmas shopping and to get extra ornaments for the additional tree. I don't know why I'm such a sucker for a child's face, but in the parking lot next to the mall, there was a string of Christmas trees, standing there with big red bows and a sign that stated that all proceeds from the sale of these trees goes to a children's charity. The pleading eyes of the poster child, just melted my heart.
"Web-Lock, stop the car! We must buy one of those trees. It's for charity you know and this is the time of year for giving. "
Yes, I love the new, improved way of managing "The Hunt." I have three Christmas trees and I didn't get one scratch on me!
I know, folks, I'm hopeless. 
Until next time-- laugh hard, laugh often!
 Happy Holidays, Folks!!!
Ta,
WW
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billwilcox
I had a big lady come into the furniture store the other day. I guess I should say she was big-boned to be politically correct. But those bones must of weighed a ton, because when she sat on the sofa the other end lifted up as if she rode a see-saw. "I guess we should find something a bit stronger," I said shyly. "Why?" she asked. "This one is so comfortable, I feel as if I'm sitting on air."
 The image you described will be burned into my memory every time I go into a furniture store or any furniture department, from now on.
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW! You're right, people watching can be very entertaining. It's fun to imagine their stories and to ogle fashion choices and wonder, Don't they own a mirror? The white thong-undies under white pants or skirt continues to have me stumped.
And you're right about old people. One of the few things I regret in my life is not giving obnoxious people the smack-down they deserve. I'm looking forward to old age when I can point out annoying manners to a complete stranger and they won't hit me 'cause I'll be white-haired and wrinkled. Go old people!
-- Laura
Being old isn't always a free pass, either. They may not hit you while you're looking, but, be sure to watch your feet after that. They may throw a banana peel in your pathway. There is nothing that says "gotcha" Grandma, than a good old fashioned broken hip.  Thanks for the feedback, Laura. I always enjoy hearing from you.
Winnie Kay 
Once again you have inspired a chuckle from me this morning. You can make a boring visit to Dunkin Donuts a hysterical experience. I don't think your "odd"--you're just WW.
winnie
Thanks, Winnie! You always make me feel better about my Web-Witchyness. I'm glad you got a chuckle out of the Newsletter. 
drjim
Wonderful NL WW - always one to make light of the human condition. I always thought that the one pastime that most of humanity underestimates is the hobby of people-watching!
- Dr J
Aw, shucks, Doc!  Seriously, though, since I always find something about myself to laugh about, it can't be that hard to get a chuckle watching others. The public arena is fertile with humorous possibilities!
Keep it creepy,fuzzy & staiNed 
I work in a Deli, and yes people will stand there and ask to taste every type of meat, unwrap and slice, then on to another, and never buy, but! We have one lady, older, that shops the whole store, filling her cart, and stands as far from the service counter she can and still be noticed and says, "One slice shaved, of chicken, I cannot walk that far, bring it here." yet to look in her cart she has about $300 worth, and has oviously spend some time walking. Great newsletter WW.
Thanks, Staine! It sounds like you do a little people watching, yourself. From the description of that old lady, deli meat, sampler, I wouldn't be surprised if her character shows up in one of your Horror/Scary, Newsletters.
Thank you, for sharing that story, Staine. 
Thanks for the feedback, folks! We editors really appreciate it. 
May your holidays be merry and bright and filled with laughter!
 See you next year, folks!
WW
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