 Comedy: October 12, 2011 Issue [#4655] |
  Comedy
This week: Comedy is a Calling Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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Have you noticed a rise in telemarketing calls lately? There has been a deluge of them recently at the peaceful Web-Home. Here's the scoop ... |
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 Hello, folks! Happy autumn to all of us in the Northern Hemisphere!
I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I registered on the "Do Not Call" list, years ago to get rid of these pesky purveyors of junk. Not only that, but I also pay extra to keep my phone number unregistered and unpublished. That's a laugh! They use computers to generate lists of numbers. Yours is bound to come to the foreground, statistically speaking, that is. Oh, I know, that sounds like I actually do math. No, I just like using pretty words, like "statistically." 
So just weeks ago, my usually sleepy, land line which I only keep for my Dish TV subscription, came to life. I guess the time limit for the "National Do Not Call Registry," had ended. There were several calls claiming that someone in the house had answered an online survey about furthering their education.
Folks, Web-Son is currently in college and both WL and I have acquired degrees through the doctorate level. So, I ask you, are any of us interested in being sold on college?
I answered a call that I usually let the answering machine pick-up, and the person on the other end asked for Web-Lock. I explained that he is profoundly deaf and would not be able to hear anybody on the phone. The usual response was a moment of silence, followed by "oh, uhh," and then, "Okay thank you." followed by a hang-up. However, the next similar type caller was not deterred by WL's deafness. The response was, "Perhaps there is someone else in your household who would be interested in furthering his or her education?" Of course we would, because the doctorate level is what, under-achievement? I then respond, "Please stop calling here. Let us be joyful in our stupid, uneducated ignorance!"
Hey, I'm a pretty tolerant person and love the wheels of capitalism turning, but not at 7:30 in the morning, before I've had a sufficient coffee infusion.
After several days of these similar calls, I realized that I probably had to re-sign-up on the "Do Not Call," list and add the cell phones to the list as well. WS, did the honors of getting all the phones back on the list. When he finished, he informed us that we are indeed on the list but it won't take effect until thirty-one days from that point.
Wow, why am I surprised? The Federal Government is behind this system. In this day and age when messages can be sent electronically within seconds, the government takes thirty-one days to get it there. Go figure!
Well, not long after I get all of that settled and the phone regains peaceful silence, I find my mailboxes filled with even more junk than before the stop calling order.
First of all, I resent being targeted as a senior citizen when I am below retirement age. So, please, AARP, stop asking me to join, after each birthday goes by with a reminder every quarter of a year there-after. Besides, I dislike your politics, anyway! Stop frightening the elderly into early graves because you believe that "GOP" means Get Old People!
The other junk mail that I really abhor is mail from the always running in the red, US Postal Service. They like to remind me that they still have a physical and useful presence--in case I've forgotten about them, since I've started using email more. Let's see, how much more of our tax dollars were spent on those, cutsie, mailbox notices?
It's bad enough that I'm confronted with tons of electronic mail from "bots" trying to sell me Viagra or a mail order bride from the Philippines or Russia. I guess they play the odds that half of their audience is male and out of that half, perhaps ten percent will actually open the mail, especially the ones with the included pictures of the would-be-bride. Again, that's math and WW doesn't do math.
This stuff doesn't just drive me to distraction. My mother was beside herself one day when I was visiting. She showed me an "official looking" letter about her recently gifted car to my son. She said: "Why are they bothering me? I don't own the car anymore. It looks serious--something about time running out on a protection plan for my old car. I'm so nervous about calling that number that they said I had to call before thirty days passes."
Futilely hoping that my calm, attorney voice and experience would put her fears to rest, I told her that it is junk mail and to dump it without responding. I interjected that responding to that letter will guarantee a bunch more letters and phone calls, because she called them first. But, no, that wasn't good enough. She insisted I take the letter with me and tell them that she doesn't own the car anymore. I took the junk mail with me to make her feel better.
Well, folks, she called me up the next day to ask if I called that company and explained to them that the car belongs to Web-Son.
"Web~Mom, it is only junk mail. They have the old list of car ownership and that's why it was sent to you. They are trying to sell car repair insurance. It is not an official letter from the Registry of Motor Vehicles or any other state agency. You are safe from the evil clutches of those who would want to remove you from your senior housing and take away your social security check.
"Okay, since you won't do it, my lawyer daughter, the next time they send me a letter, I'll just call that number. It makes me very nervous to talk to these people. I don't own the car anymore, I gave it to WS and I told my insurance company already, and ..." (Yes folks, she's on a loop; still stubbornly thinking that she must respond to that ridiculous ad-mail no matter what I said to her. I had to do something drastic.)
One hour later, I called my mother and told her the little fib: "Hello, Web~Mom, I called that number for you. They said they will never send you another letter, again. You are safe. They know the car belongs to Web-Son."
"See, I told you they wouldn't quit until you called them."  They wouldn't quit?
Another crisis averted, folks. However, those bothersome junk marketeers, have already made two people in the family very irritated.
Before I wrap up this edition of the Comedy Newsletter, I must insert another disturbing call. This one wasn't from a telemarketer, it was from my favorite Web~Aunt.
WW, you aren't going to believe this, Web-Uncle, just got a letter from Reader's Digest. They said that he overpaid his subscription by one penny! They sent him a postage paid envelope and asked him to check which item he preferred and to mail it back to them. They apologized profusely while asking, would he prefer an extra copy of Reader's Digest, or would he rather have a check for the amount overpaid?
You know it's true folks. I can't make up stuff like this; no one would believe it.
It's Web~Witch's busiest and most favorite time of year. Have a happy, witchy Halloween, folks!
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
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jbenj
Yanks for sure.  Those no good, dirty sox can... well I should keep this clean. Grew up in NY. If it wasn't Sox bashing, it was Mets bashing. Lol. Thanks for a walk down memory lane.
It was my pleasure, Ben. Thanks for the feedback! 
NickiD89 
I grew up in a Yankee-fan household, and even though I cheer the Braves on now, if there's a Yankee game airing on the same night, we wish the Braves luck and tune in to the Yankee game. My uncle moved to Conn., on the Mass. border, years ago. He now roots for the Red Sox. Makes my dad crazy. I think, in part, that's why he does it! Great NL!!!
The great rivalry continues! It warms my heart.  Thanks for sharing that story, Nicki!
Maryann 
LOL Thanks for including all of those Yogi Berra quotes!! It's great to start the day off with a smile.
Even though my dad's cousin, Rico, played for the Red Sox years ago, I was never too interested in Baseball. I coached soft ball for a number of years myself with my daughters, and that was my thing.
I enjoyed reading your newsletter about your sports experience. Keep them coming!
The great Rico P? Cool! 
I actually played soft ball, years ago. I played for a Budweiser team. Plenty of free beer after the game, although, I was encouraged to have a couple before the game. They said I played better!
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling 
Laughter is the best medicine. Problem is, my doctor doesn't prescribe it. So, I have to steal it from the pharmacy.
Better watch out for the Laughter Narcs! 
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW! Thanks for the funny NL. It's weird about team allegiances...I'm not a MLB fan, but love the NFL. My fav teams are doing so badly this year that I may have to start rooting for others or the games won't be any fun to watch (and I get very few out here in the desert anyway). LOVED the quotes from Yogi Beara!!
-- Laura
Yogi does have a way of putting a smile on any face! Thanks, Laura! It's always great to hear from you, way out there in the land of the Egyptian gods.
mike238 
Love this newsletter, awesome.  Anyway, who is WL?
Thank you, Mike! I'm happy you enjoyed the Newsletter.
WL is short for Web-Lock, an important member of the Web~Witch, Web-Dom.
OBTW, He's the user right below you. 
drjim
AH YES, WW! We are enshrined here in the lounge room, you and I, taking in one of the last games of the regular season. A September SWOON has unnerved the Red Sox Nation, but Dr J has other plans for his men!! Mil Famey, that Brewer pitch of yore, had his team drink a case of Ol Milwaukee beer at this very time in Brewer baseball history. Nope, a winning run was walked to home plate...his team lost... and every fan exclaimed, "THIS IS THE BEER THAT MADE MIL FAMEY WALK US!!" Now, if you'll just grab an Ol' Mil Famey--- no! -- and Ol Milwaukee beer from the fridge....
Sox are retired for the season, WL; so are the Yanks. 
The Brewers are handling the Old Milwaukee, sudsy stuff, just fine! So far, so good, as of this edition.
Comment via email:
Doremi
Hi!! Thank you for the baseball article I just read! I loved it! So it explains how a Bostonian can be a Yankee fan! Since I am a Yankee fan going back decades, I am glad you are one of us. I loved reading the Yogi-isms you included. All of baseball, both leagues, and fans of all, love this dear old Yankee!!
Thanks for a fun read!!
Doris
It was my pleasure, Doris! You are so right about Yogi, he certainly had a unique way with words!
Thank you for your lovely comment. I'm so glad you enjoyed the Newsletter.
 Sending a belated, woo-hoo, you go girl, happy 84th birthday!!!
Thanks for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
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