 Comedy: December 04, 2013 Issue [#6023] |
  Comedy
This week: Fun With My Faux Fir Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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Shhh, folks -- don't let Web-Lock know what I'm planning. I'm not going to show him this newsletter until it's too late.
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Now that the "hunt" for the perfect Christmas tree has ceased to exist in my life, how do I start a new tradition in the South? How do I curb the crave of the hunt? Is there some type of intervention out there for people like me? Nah, I'm perfectly sane about Christmas traditions. I just have to convince somebody, (we all know who) that it's all very normal and natural behavior for this time of year.
Last year, I bought a pre-lit, Martha Stewart, faux fir, (not to be confused with faux fur) tree. It was a good idea because it was around the time I had my hip replaced and I didn't want to worry about falling tree needles sticking into the carpeting and the vacuum working overtime to grab them up into their collection system. There's always some left behind which need to be hand plucked from the nap in the carpet even after vacuuming.
I've also discovered these fabulous LED candle lights, that run on solar power. We have plenty of solar in Florida, thus each window I place them in, gets sufficient energy during the day to stay lit through the night. I like that! No more messy extension cords to bother with that one could trip over if one happens to be a little bit klutzy. 
So this year, I'm a little perplexed about what to do with my pent-up "hunt" energy. I drag Martha Stewart out of the closet and place her in the appropriate window. (the tree, not the real person -- sheesh!) How boring is that? Where's the creativity? At least last year I went on a hunt for the perfect fake Christmas tree. It was an inside job and not cold and lacked the danger of crawling through a wooded forest of trees, lined with root systems, stumps and whatever else is on the self-made pathways of an old, established tree farm. In other words, folks -- I'm bored! And a bored WebWitch is a mischievous one.
I am plotting a way to approach WL on the idea of starting a new hunt for something to decorate -- perhaps one of those little palm trees for the front of the house. Yes, I could plant it, find interesting ornaments -- the ones that sparkle, and place them on it to get that spirit back!
Then I can get a few colored solar spotlights and let her shine! It's a she of course -- and she needs a name. I'll call her, Flo-Rita. That's pretty catchy, eh? That's it! That's my mission this year.
Now, how do I convince WL that we need to go on a holiday hunt, again? He was so relieved last year when I chose a pre-lit fake tree. It's the first time I ever heard him praise Martha Stewart, followed by a "Yes, there is a God!" in the same breath. And then he broke into a little victory dance. He didn't have to worry about the tedious job of twisting little lights around the branches in the fashion of which I've become accustomed, when it was Web-Son's job. WS would take a full day or two to complete the task -- he was that good at perfecting it.
Anyway, I need a legitimate sounding plan. Time's running out . It's early December, my fake tree is already up; but I've got the urge to hunt again, and must let WL know of my nagging, nostalgia deficit. He'll understand, right? Of course he will!  Wish me luck, folks.
Oops, guess who just got home? I've got to stop writing and hide this thing for a little while longer.  No use getting him stirred-up yet. I'm planning a fabulous dinner tonight -- all of his favorites. The way to a man's heart (or the understanding of an important urge to hunt), is through his stomach.
It's a wrap for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
May your holidays be filled with joy and laughter -- lots of it! So ...
Until next time -- laugh hard, laugh often!
 Web~Witch 
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Try your "Write hand" in one of these holiday contests. There's lots of humor intended or unintended during the holidays. It may be highlighted in one of my Comedy Newsletters, too.
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Sum1's In Schaumburg 
So WebWitch, just what is your phone number?  Maybe I could call and leave you a random message, or would it be considered a phantom message? Not to worry, I wouldn't call and just sit there and breathe hard into the phone, I'm not a heavy breather, except when I'm asleep!
(555) 867-5309, shhhh! Don't tell anybody, OK?!!! You can call me "Jenny."
Quick-Quill 
How Funny you shared this. We must be two peas separated from the pod. I had a co worker make me a business card that I use as a signature on work emails. I looked at it and assumed (my fault) he scanned my business card. A week or so ago I got a phone call from a woman complaining she is getting calls for me from a business card. I checked mine and it is fine. Closer inspection to my signature card, my co-worker changed the 6 to a 0. He fixed it right away but maybe a year of emails are out there. the woman was so nice and said she'd just give them the right number. She wouldn't even accept a gift card. Some people are just too good!
Wow, there aren't many like her around. You were lucky she was so nice to you.  People's patience about these things, usually wanes as the problem continues for more than a week or so. Thanks for your feedback. 
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW! Your mixed up phone number story is funny! Poor answering service lady. I have such a story, too, but as with my genre, it's more of a horror story. Some handyman got a big deposit to begin fixing someone's flat, gave my number as his, and then promptly vanished. The irate owner kept calling me, refusing to believe I wasn't the guy's wife even after speaking to my actual husband. After about 30 calls over 2 months, I literally changed my number just to get rid of him. My new number is blessedly peaceful! 
~ Laura
Those collector/irate, jilted customer calls are the worst, Laura. They need to take their anger out on anybody who answers the phone. They can't admit they've been suckered. That is one for the Horror/Scary Newsletter, kiddo~ 
Zheila
Well, thank you so very much for making me laugh. After I read your story I was happy that I am not the only one who has a problem with a phone number. There are couple of businesses who are calling me by mistake and when I tell them I am not that person, they just do not believe me and call me the next day. All my explanations have not convinced them. So do not feel too bad.
Sincerely,
Zheila
Phones, they can be a blessing and a curse at the same time. There's just no convincing some people of what the truth is. They've got a number and are bound and determined to call that number no matter who's on the other end. They are paid to call and either collect money or sell something, whether the right party or not. Collectors with the wrong number in their hands, are the worst. You have to threaten them with harassment charges when they refuse to let go.  Thanks for your feedback, Zheila!
Jacqueline  comments recently from a couple of my other newsletters.
to WW
I love reading your newsletter they make me smile and sometimes laugh so much my sides hurt. I was wondering not knowing much about the US. What did you mean by four time zones?
Within the contiguous states of the US, the country is divided into four different times zones. Going from east to west: Eastern, Central, Mountain and Pacific. They get 1 hour earlier as you pass through each. If it's 3:00 PM in the Eastern Seaboard, It's noon in The Western. Thus Boston is three hours ahead of San Francisco, two hours ahead of the Salt Lake City, Utah, and one hour ahead of Chicago. The sun sets in the west, thus, if sunset is at 7:00 PM in the East, it would only be 4:00 PM in the West. That just ain't right! Thus, their 7:00 is our 10:00. Okay, did I confuse you even more?
from Jacqueline "Comedy Newsletter (March 27, 2013)"
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Thank you Web-Witch love your newsletters, it brings a smile to my face. Might try your remedy next time someone is sick in my family. "Comedy Newsletter (May 22, 2013)"
Thank you for catching-up on some of my vintage newsletters, Jacqueline. I appreciate your taking the time to do that. I'm so happy you enjoyed them. Oh, and about the home remedies--sometimes they're the best!
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling 
Could be worse; you could be the guy everyone pops up behind. & submits: "What's Behind Me?"
See you next year, folks!
WW
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