 Comedy: November 19, 2014 Issue [#6670] |
  Comedy
This week: Animals Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx
I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
-Winston S. Churchill
"You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place."
"That's why animals are so soft and huggy."
-Bill Watterson |
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Want to make something funny? Throw in a duck.
I know I've said this before, but it's relevant to today's topic, which is:
Animals.
So it bears repeating. Get it? Animals? Bears? I'll be here all week.
It's not just ducks, either. Other animals are inherently funny. Squirrels, for example. No one can watch a squirrel for more than 30 seconds without at least chuckling. This is true even if they're getting into your bird feeder. First, you're like "Damn tree rats are in th-" and then you're like "heh, look at the funny squirrel."
Don't believe me? Look at this: https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7645474816/h54E276E4/
Admit it. You laughed.
Some animals might not be inherently funny, but have their moments. Cats are probably the most accessible example. One minute they're curled up in a ball being excessively cute but completely unfunny; the next, they're sprinting across the room chasing something only they can see, and bouncing off walls in the process. And I don't think I've laughed so hard at anything as I laughed at a cat chasing a laser dot.
Bears, also. They're funny as long as they're not trying to eat you.
Monkeys would be funny, except they, like politicians, are too busy slinging poo at everything to be really amusing.
And I met an ostrich once who told me a long, drawn-out joke involving penguins and agave plants. I didn't think it was very funny, but that might have been a side effect of the mushroom sandwich I'd had for lunch.
Some animals, of course, are never funny. You wouldn't laugh at a lion - at least not to his face.
Still, for the most part, funny animals don't mean to be funny. It's not a defense mechanism for them like it is for the weird nerd whose locker is next to yours.
But that won't stop me from writing them as if they do.
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Last time, in "Glutenus Maximus" , I ranted about the gluten-free food fad.
Elle - on hiatus  : Think I'd get away with sending a copy of your newsletter to my gluten-free, oh wait, not-gluten-free, no, now she's gluten-free again mother-in-law?  Perhaps not, but it gave me a chuckle. Thanks Robert!
I will not be responsible for in-law disputes.
Mummsy  : It's a-maizing what you can turn into comedy. Some would say you're just plain corny. But I think it takes someone stout of heart to write such a thing. I'm relying on your next newsletter to cure what ales me, so hop to it!
Awww... shucks.
writetight: I have a web address for delicious gluten-free brownies if anyone is interested.
Dude, that's just wrong.
blunderbuss: Just watched a programme about Vitamin D deficiency, which a number of Brits are suffering from. Three groups in a study tried vitamin supplements, or eating lots of vitamin D rich foods, or just sitting in the sunshine for 10 mins during their lunch break every day. (It didn't have to be sunny - this is the UK I'm talking about - just outside and in the light!). Guess what? Results found that the most Vitamin D increase was in the sunbathers. Now, sunshine is FREE .....
Programme's Conclusion: All this advice about covering yourself in sunblock ALL the time, could actually not be such a good idea. We need a bit of sunshine on our bodies.
Whilst outdoors getting your Vitamin D dose, be sure to have a pint and a smoke.
Joy  :  Thanks for making me feel better, as I love gluten. No breakfast is breakfast without a bagel, for me.
If they knew how real chefs worked--with a pinch of this, a fistful of that, and add in the leftover whatchamacallit--they wouldn't push the 'full disclosure' stuff, either.
I kinda miss the days when people would just eat instead of being all neurotic about it. There wasn't much of an obesity problem then, either.
That'll do it for me for November! Until next month,
LAUGH ON!!!
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