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This week: Glutenus Maximus Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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As far as I can tell, the biggest side effect of a gluten sensitivity is that you actually become the number one symptom: a huge pain in the ass.
-Celia Rivenbark
I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don't eat! Who knew?
-Richelle E. Goodrich
I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.
-Jarod Kintz |
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Let me start with this: Some of you undoubtedly have a legitimate gluten allergy or Celiac's Disease or some such. This newsletter isn't aimed at you. Stay healthy.
Now, for the rest of you:
Stop it.
Twenty-five years ago, it was meat that was the Enemy. Then meat was okay in small doses, but sugar was inimical to life. Then, for a while, fat was the Enemy. People kept getting fatter, so we decided, collectively, that most fat was okay (as long as it's not trans*). Then it was evil, conniving carbs. Turns out most carbohydrates are essential, so we needed a new enemy, and that enemy is now gluten.
And don't even get me started about eggs. Good for you, bad for you, good for you again, oh wait, bad for you, and then only the whites are good for you, and now... hell, I don't know.
Five years from now, we'll all be looking back while eating our carotene-free cupcakes and laughing at how silly we've been.
Meanwhile, though, we have to put up with the current gluten-free fad. And yes, it's a fad. There's no scientific consensus on whether gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye, is actually bad for most folks to eat. Like I said above, though, there are people with sensitivities, sure, and I'm glad they have more options now, but most of you are just smugly following the herd.
But I got to thinking: why gluten? And after writing last week's newsletter about conspiracy theories, I think I have it figured out:
Corn. Or as it's known to pretty much everyone except European-Americans, maize.
More and more people have decided, all on their own, that ingesting the processed sweetener known as high-fructose corn syrup might be less healthy than ingesting no sweetener at all, or, in a pinch, less-processed sweeteners such as, you know, honey and brown sugar.
At the same time, more people have decided, also on their own, that they don't want moonshine in their car's gas tank, and insist on "pure" gasoline, no ethanol added. The added ethanol, incidentally, was usually distilled from corn.
The problem is, the American corn industry is huge and has lobbyists. The government actually subsidizes corn production, while levying tariffs on imported things like sugar. This is why HFCS is more prevalent in the food production industry than sugar: it's a hell of a lot cheaper to take corn, mess with it, extract the sugars, and fortify them, than it is to import pure cane sugar.
Corn, I should note, does not contain gluten.
So, clearly, the corn lobby is behind this fad, in an attempt to keep demand for corn artificially high. I thought this and kind of dismissed it as a conspiracy theory, but then my housemate came home with crumpets labeled gluten-free.
I love crumpets. Crumpets were one of those things I had when I was in England that I desperately missed back in the States. HP sauce was another thing, but I could find that easily enough in the grocery store, while crumpets remained ever elusive to me. (Note: I do *not* miss black pudding.)
So my housemate found these gluten-free crumpets, and I looked at the ingredients.
Yep. Corn.
So the conspiracy is clear: corn growers are at war with wheat, barley and rye growers, and they have a more powerful lobby. They were able to trick the American consumer into believing that gluten = death, and have been selling more corn ever since.
Oh, sure, some people who have gone gluten-free have lost weight and felt healthier. But that's probably because they ate more fruits and vegetables to try (unsuccessfully) to fill the dark void left by bread and pizza. It's nothing to do with gluten per se, and everything to do with eating fewer calories.
I went to a taphouse a few months ago, because I love beer. Beer, as you certainly know, is made with barley, wheat or rye. While there are gluten-free beers, they universally taste almost exactly like ass.
In this taphouse, they also served food. And everything on the food menu was either labeled GLUTEN FREE in bold letters, or could, according the the menu, be made gluten-free.
I repeat: this is at a beer bar. Where they serve beer made from gluten-containing grains.
I never went there again.
In the interest of full disclosure, though, I will admit to an ulterior motive for hating the gluten-free fad. As I said, I love beer. Beer is the greatest thing since boobs. But beer isn't good unless it's made from barley, wheat or rye. Hence, I will never be gluten-free. You can have my beer when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.
And my hands may or may not become that way prematurely because of gluten, but that's a risk I'm happy to take. After all, I could quit drinking beer and eating pizza, and deprive myself of everything that makes life worth living, and get smushed by a meteor while living a life of self-denial.
No thanks. |
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Last time, in "Conspiracies" , I talked about tinfoil hats.
Quick-Quill  : I love some conspiracy theories. Some I buy into as true. What makes one a theory and another a truth? Why do we accept one truth and reject another? We are all diverse and have a different set of filters we use to judge what is truth and fiction. When stretched we have to change our filters to adjust.
It's a matter of plausibility, I think. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Plaus. Or is that what they want me to think?
And that's it for me for October - see you next month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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Comedy: October 22, 2014 Issue [#6617]
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