My True Soul

Much to do about nothing

Heyas guys! I don't really have much to say. Well, yes, I guess I actually do. It's kinda like, I have a lot to say about possibly some things it would just be best if I kept my mouth shut about. I'm not in a bad mood or anything though. I'm really happy. It's about 3 am here, I'm still up, if I go lay down, I'll be up for 3 more hours. I have problems sleeping sometimes. Plus with school starting back soon, I'm trying to get the staying up late out of my system. I may stay up all night tonight, but the thing is, about5:30-6:30 I start getting so sleepy I can't stand it.

I'm taking a test my friend made. I think I'm letting her down cause I'm getting way more wrong than I should. I think I'm trying too hard, lol. I didn't try as hard on some of the others and made just as well. She asked who she trusts the most, I'm thinking it's me... but, lol, that feels weird to answer yourself, lol. Oh well, here it goes. Uh huh, I put mine, it's all of the above, see, I just can't win. Today has been kinda one of those days. Nothing went wrong with me so to speak *crosses fingers* (knocks on desk) but it seems like something went wrong with my friends, just about all of them. (Ergh, another question that I'm not positive about... I'm gonna put the wrong one tho, I can feel it, lol... woo I scored 10 higher than the last one. So far the one I've made the highest on was my gfs) It seemed to me that everyone was having problems today in one matter or another.

To begin this with: I met up with 5 of my friends and we went out for lunch. I have a particular friend, I mean, I guess I love her in some form because she and I were so close, but now, there's hardly anything there. She and I had some major differences and it just kinda fell apart. She just amazes me sometimes. Maybe I dislike some of the things about her because I do them. (?) Cause sometimes that's why people annoy you because you see your faults that you hate in them. I have so many mixed feelings about her. Most of it is apathy now, but it just really gets to me sometimes that she's still around. Someone who I could trust that much and someone who could also make me so hurt and so annoyed. We had one guy friend go with us. I can't say anything about most the guys I know, they're really great. Well, I can about one of them... but not too much other than the fact he annoys me quite a bit. Things were all fine and dandy through lunch. After lunch, I just, I felt like there I was at this table where I didn't belong. I kinda did, but, I don't know. I really do like one of the people that went with us, she's just cool to be around, but we never had this strong bond or anything. I wonder sometimes why I'm with that group. I wonder sometimes that if I talked to them online, just as people I didn't know in person/from school, would I still be talking to them? Because online and such, if you don't like someone, you just ignore them, no big deal. Not as easy in person. I often wonder just the opposite about friends online, if I went to school with them, would I have been friends with them? I can't tell with any really. I can't even tell you if my gf and I would have became friends. I can tell you that I would have found her very attractive, intriguing, funny, and I would have wanted to see what she was like. I would have been attracted to her, been drawn to her. But, I'm a really shy person. (Thankfully I'm getting better with each passing year) Still, I'm shy... I still get nervous when I talk to her... it's kinda stupid. I've been talking to her over a year, we're really open, I'm really comfortable talking to her, but... she still makes my heart race and all that good stuff. But, still, the question remains, would I have been one of her close friends? Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it? I can say out of my friends here... I would probably only talk to 2 or 3 if I had of just met them online. Is that sad? Or Normal? I dunno.

I found out today that one of my friends has an STD. Alright... that scared me. I'm not mentioning names nor am I mentioning if she lives here or not. That's a personal thing. But, my commentary just consists of this basic thing. "People, be careful, alright?" You can sleep with one person and get something or become pregnant. (Unless you're homosexual, can't become preggars then, but, ya know) I'm really hoping she's gonna be alright emotionally. Luckily it wasn't anything bad or that couldn't be cured. It kinda unnerved me and frustrated me at the same time. That's where my frustration headache began, they're never too bad, but I can feel it.

Anyways tonight I get home and I was tired, had a headache, and all. Then I get online and it seems everyone is fighting or having problems, lol. It seems they all tell me and I may fuss about it. But I'm glad they do. A.) They're my friends. B.) I do get annoyed, but I try to help C.) I care about people in general. D.) This is what I want to do for a profession. Plus according to my zodiac, it suggest that I attract people with problems? People trust me easily. I don't know exactly why, but once again, I'm glad. Someone told me it was because I always tried to help, always tried to talk to them and get them to get it out, that I try to understand it to the best of my ability, and one told me because I don't judge, just listen. I'm going to tell 2 of my thoughts on people. 1) I give "the benefit of the doubt" often and 2) Everyone has their own story full with their own pain and hurt, who am I to say they are messed up because they didn't/don't have the happy wonderful fairy tale life? (Who does?) I'm really begining to think the full moon and new moon do effect us all.

Alright people, you may disagree. But if someone comes into a chatroom that says "lesbian" and the first thing they say is an insult... they obviously want to pick a fight. That really annoys me. I had some guy do that tonight. I told him "look, you're wasting your time, because I'm not fighting with you, so you may as well leave" he goes on with the usual insults that I've heard a bazillion times before. I told him "Aight, dude, you're not offending me nor will you. But that doesn't mean I agree with you" I told him again, I was going to fight with him. He started going on and on about how I was saying that just to get people, yeah, okay... there were 3 of us in there... the other was kicked off, but how I wanted their pity. I really dislike that... people trying to figure out why I say stuff. I mean, could it ever be because I don't feel like fighting? I mean, who would think of that! The guy didn't get to me with his comments about lesbians, whatever, after a while you just ignore people, but just the general stupidity. Obviously he was the one who wanted to fight, I wouldn't fight back, so he kept pushing. I told him I didn't want to waste my time reading his stupidity and left. I'm not normally one of the people who gets mad and yells back. But I mean really, grow up. It is fun to fight, just for the hell of it... but fight with someone who's gonna fight back. Don't try to fight with someone who tells you they're not going to and then doesn't. Some say that, then they fight. I know I'm not really mature... but gosh.

Damnit, my dad was pissed this morning. The phone downstairs has been acting weird. Well my friends called this morning, woke him up obviously... anyway he tells me he threw it away this evening. I was thinking I might get it and see if it'd work better in my room because the phone is a helluva lot better than the one I have, so I look in the garbage... the phone is broke into pieces. He didn't do it by slamming to the ground either. He twisted it with his hands. The plastic indicates that... no scratching or anything, just the areas showing a lotta pushing/pulling was done to it. I don't think my friends realize how bad he is when it comes to his temper. That's why after 17 and a half years and about 12 years in this house with him working night shifts and sleeping in the day, I know how to move around without making much noise at all. Geez... oh well, forget the phone.

Now I'm sitting here looking at books my gf told me to read. I'm going to attempt to read them before next summer. (Good luck to me, lol) I don't know. I feel kinda uncultured. Seems like everyone around me has watched a lot of movies, read lots of books, and listened to millions of songs, but I haven't. I don't know what I do, lol. I can't sit still enough to read normally. If I can finally sit, then I can read, but the only way I can stay and read for 3 hours is if the book is really really really good or if I have to. I don't watch movies unless it sounds good to me. I think because my dad's made me watch so many movies that I thought sucked and I regret losing that time to when I could have been doing something. I listen to quite a bit of music, I crave to listen to more music, but it seems I never can hear enough. No matter how many CDs I have, how much I listen to the radio, how many songs I download, or how many music videos I watch. *shrugs* so in the meanwhile, I feel pretty stupid around my friends. I don't with my gf because I love hearing other people tell me stories about books they've read or movies they've saw. My dad has told stories about books and radio programs and tv programs he's watched, I find it more interesting coming from him. Coincidently, my gf does the same thing. I love that. I love having her read to me too. I'm a baby, lol, I know. But still, feel like I've missed something somewhere. I want to read more classical books. I want to hear songs by newer bands and by older classic bands. I definitely missed the children/folk songs considering my friends and gf primarily can start singing some and I'm like "uh, that's a song?". I obviously missed out on a lot of movies. Where was I? Maybe that's why as I've gotten older I've surrounded myself with people who have heard of a lot of songs, lot of books, etc. I can tell you about some of the good cartoons, lol. Or maybe this is all a result of being an only child. Always being around grown-ups. Never playing with other children really. I've about decided that if I have children, I don't want just one. Some people think it's so awesome to be an only child, but it has it's disadvantages too. I think I'll have 2 or 3 kids and treat them equally. At least I can say this, my parents didn't just have one child on purpose. Then again maybe this isn't because of me being an only child.

Alright, my mom's getting up to get ready for work in about 20 minutes. I haven't slept a wink and probably won't either. My father mentioned something the other day about eating Chinese today... I hope so. I could really go for some Chinese food. Argh, stomach is growling just thinking about it. And now my cat has curled up on my arms and is asleep. He's a big baby. At least he's quiet though.

Haha, and I didn't even mention how my week was. Well, to put it simply, other than some rough spots today. It was wonderful! Adios!!