Life as we know it sucks

A cry for help

mood: undecided

music: A Perfect Circle - Judith

Matt ate in my lunch period again. So, I had to endure his taunting voice. And, naturally, I would look over at him, only to find him looking at me! How creepy is that? And the few times he was looking at me, he would actually be silent a moment and just stare. It was the weirdest split seconds ever. I don't know what to think. And all the bus ride, I wanted him back. I still do. I want him back so much. People just don't understand. He doesn't deserve it, but I still want him. People don't understand that I've been in love with him for nearly a year now and I can't just leave that behind. When I see him, hear him, or think about him I'm going to wander over the possibility of what could have been at Creation. I miss him.

I miss Ben too. Ben...<chuckles> And to think he actually wanted something from me. Besides sex of course. I don't understand. Is that all I'm worth to anyone? Sex?! Why can't there be some guys in this fucking world that would want just a nice friendship or even more? I'm not sure what I'm looking for anyway. Perhaps I'm just looking for someone to talk to. Some guy to always be there for me.

...Is Jacob that? Is he? I can never tell. He's the guy I'm in love with and tell him that and he me, but does he mean it? If so, why don't I feel it? I feel we connect. I feel he cares for me. But does he love me? Why must I question things so much? I hate myself for this. <sigh>

I'm not cut out for worrying, committment, and even love. Maybe I just feel like he wishes he were saying it to Kelly instead and having her saying it back, rather than me. That's what I think about every time he says it. Every time I say it. What's wrong with me? If I told him any of this, he'd get pissed off. So would I. At myself. I don't know what to think. Why bother thinking? What good does it do? I trust that he doesn't read my journal entries when I tell him not to. I trust that he cares for me. But why can't he care for himself, first? I trust that I love him and nothing will change that.








Oh Daddy. Where are you? I wish I could talk to you about this. I can't talk to mom. But you'll sure as hell listen better than she would. Daddy, I miss you. Daddy. Oh Daddy, why did you have to go? I love you, Daddy. Can you hear me, Daddy? I'm sorry I was such an awful daughter. Please forgive me. Please. I wish I could see you, Daddy. I love you, Daddy...