My True Soul

An Insane Heart

Once again, it seems that I have a buncha thoughts running through my head. Of course I do, I talked to Sarah earlier. We talked to each other almost everyday for a long time and now we've talked twice in the last 3 weeks. In a way, it's no different than it use to be. I still feel like she's keeping something from me...but ya know? I'm still scared to ask or to talk to her about stuff.

I have never in my life met someone who can make my heart just go insane. Everything is up and down, it spins around, and sometimes, I just wanna lay down and give up. And after not talking to her for so long, I got used to it. But, that felt wrong too. I still wish the absolute best for her and I still hope she'll be able to fight through the things she needs to. I want her to find someone that makes her happy. But at the moment...I'm still broken. And pieces of me, they enjoy things they shouldn't. Those pieces remember all the bad things and constantly are skeptical. Yet, I look at things with her, n, I just, blergh. It seems like she's supposed to be in my life. But, yet, we never talk about things that.... have much substance. Not anymore. Everytime I've tried to just talk to her honestly, I always feel like I'm coming under attack, or that I'm stupid. I want to just out right ask her what she thinks, what's been going on, why I haven't talked to her. But scared, god. Should I be so scared? Should I honestly feel so scared just to talk to someone? *Sighs* I think she and I had the kinda relationship where we were the type of couple ya see that bickers all the time....where one minute you'd see us saying some kinda mean stuff and then the next... we're holding hands and being all sweet. I'd try to explain stuff to her, she'd want me to spit it out, but sometimes... I just can't. I haven't gotten it clear enough in my own head.

Yet, I know I loved her. I still feel that from time to time. She's an outgoing squirt now, goodness. Grr, I don't know. I think I'm just trying to bring up all the bad things so I can convince myself that I should be with someone else, someone who doesn't do those bad things. I think that's how you learn who you want for your mate. You learn from mistakes.

I talked to Fetty tonight. We discussed some of this, he said he really couldn't help me out. Cause I said how I felt was wrong, he basically told me I was the only one who could decide that, he's right. Then we talked about who he regularly talks to from here, how he felt like he was losing contact with us. And he didn't know what to do but let go more. Right now, all of us are changing. Changing who we are, what we believe, and we're moving on to another stage in our lives. I hate that he lives so far away now.

I talked to Kat too. Only for a moment. I really didn't mean to leave so quickly, but I had to go. She was doing a science fair project. Her birthday is tomorrow, she'll be 16. She said she might not get her license due to not being responsible. (according to her rents) I think she is the one person who has a family situation that reminds me of my own. Parents have been telling her she does nothing but eat and sleep. She made a C and got grounded for... 6 weeks or more. She said they've been yelling at her all week, but it was no big deal. I know from experience that having someone always yelling at you or just being ill around you does effect you. I could feel differently when she said it was no big deal. Her situation with her grandmother is much the same as mine. I told her mine suddenly wanted to have stuff to do with me, she just knew how that made me felt. It's nice not to have to explain. She and I talked the last time we were together. Said peer pressure was starting to get to her more and I remember being around 14...that was probably one of the few times I would have done drugs or drank. But I think Kat has a good enough head on her shoulder. =/ I hope so at least.

I ran into Tiff at Wal-mart (*bows to the Wal-mart gods*). She was wanting me to go with her to Panama City for her graduation. I really don't think so. She was talking about how she wanted to get smashed. This new years, she drank... I think 9 alcoholic beverages and it didn't do a thing. I told her if ya drank wine coolers fairly fast, it was supposed to give you a buzz. Which, yeah, makes me sound like I've done it, but I haven't. Just knew that cause Jenna did. So, she goes on about wanting to get really drunk, like it's the coolest thing ever. I'm about to go insane, but then, my curiousity took over. She asked me to go... I just kinda made a face. I told her I didn't do the whole drinking thing, getting so drunk, acting crazy and stupid. Then, she starts in how we wouldn't have to drink or get drunk. Amazing how weak she is in her views. And then she told me some other stuff and it made me feel sorry for her in a way. Goodness, I don't think she realizes why. She had a huge problem with her sister being bi. Now her sister is dating African Americans and she doesn't like that. And she says it to me like I'm gonna have a problem... haha, to either. Whatever, date whomever will treat you right, make you feel good about yourself, and be there for you.

So here's the deal. I'm someone that tries to act strong whenever on the inside, I'm falling apart. I get mad and pissy sounding when what I want the most is for someone just to hold me. I'm a 19 year old virgin who doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't drink. My ideal of a perfect date involves nature in some form, being out in a park, talking about whatever. I love when conversations just flow and they're not forced. I don't cry around people normally, I will not allow myself to normally and if I do, I'll be quiet so perhaps they won't hear. When in reality, I want to be with someone who'd hug me and make me feel like it wasn't a horrible thing to do, yes, like I'd do myself. I want someone who'll do some lil small thing just to show affection. Holding hands, that can make me perfectly happy, a hug, a kiss on the cheek, anything. I like someone who has their own ideas about things. And who has several interests. When I get hurt, I act apathetic/sarcastic. Really, I guess I'm a big baby. I love to have someone sing to me. And a sense of humor...someone who can act silly and not feel dumb about it. Who can just go on and on about something cause it's fun. The type of person who, if I was driving and my hand was somewhere that they could take it in theirs, they would. Who'd let me hold them while they read a book or watched a movie. Or who would ask me to dance out of the blue. Take me outside, full moon, bright sky, clear.... and just be there with me under such a beautiful sky. Someone with patience and compassion. And someone, that'd call me right after I got up just to tell me to have a good day. Such a sucker for small things. Yep... that's about it.

I'm letting things go with Sarah. If she doesn't wanna tell me, she doesn't. And if she wants to avoid me, then it's her loss. She can miss out on a chunk of my life. Heh, ya know...it's kinda funny I rarely tell her about the small everyday lil things/stories that I tell others. Otherwise, I shall spend more of my time thinking about other things that I need to focus on. About other people. Time to reprioritize my life!! Sounds like fun, eh?! Yeppers. Now, I'm cold. It's 11 pm, my mom has to work, but she's still on the phone n I'd love to be able to post this. But, I guess I'll just chill out for a while and drink a cappucino.