Perilous Thoughts

Here Today

Yesterday I was on some health kick. Really, it's a spin off of what my doctor told me last year about my health. He was suspicious that I may have diabeties. After some extensive monitoring and tests, the conclusion is that I'm pre-diabetic.

After hearing that news I realized that it was time for some major changes. I realized that it was going to take some major retraining of my own mind in order to even phathom a healthier diet.

I realized that it was going to take me changing my outlook on life period. Since I'd been suicidal at one point in my life, just existing was good enough for me. As times changed and my mind healed more with it, I realized that life's not so bad after all.

The problem is how much I've abused my body just getting to this new way of thinking. I've drank alcohol, smoked packs of cigarettes and ate food that certainly is not conducive to good health for years.

I know that the drinking was to help with the pains of my past. Almost every night I knew there was a movie like nightmare waiting on me the moment I closed my eyes. My remedy for that was to drink until I passed out. Any smoker can attest to the fact that when you drink, you tend to smoke more.

Of course, all of the reasons I've mentioned sound like excuses and surely, they may very well be. I can't dwell on those right now though. I'm going to win this battle. I'm here to learn how to retrain my mind with healthier ways of dwelling.

The 'to do' list I've come up with entails many gut-wrenching activities but if I don't do it, who will. The funeral directors? Well, that's not an option here. They just seem a bit too final to me.