Perilous Thoughts

It's 5:08 a. m.

...and I haven't been to sleep yet. I'm confused, scared, sad and lonely. I am going to see a lawyer, a bankrutsy lawyer at that, this morning. What to do? Nothing. No more than I can do. I guess I should thank God that there is a law available to protect me in this legal matter.

God, how I wish things had not gone to this extreme though. I feel sick. I can't sleep, thinking and tossing and turning. Dammm. Is this some more extremities of my childhood past? I do know that people, whether abuse survivors or not, file this.

I'm just wondering about my own situation; had it not been for this shit, would I have been stable enough to keep up with my bills. I'm certainly skilled enough to work a very good paying job. So, why am I not?

I am going to have one more drink and one more cigarette and then write just a little more, then go to sleep. Let me tell you this though. I'm tired. I'm really tired. I read something about people like me today from T.D. Jake's, "Woman, Thou Art Loosed," website. Of course, all we that know about the latest releases, know that this movie is about women/men that have been abused, especially sexually.

This made me sad to read that soooo many of us have had to deal with this. This also makes me feel good in the strangest way, to know that I am not alone in feeling these weird feelings of limited self worth. I hate me at times. Especially those times when my son don't or wont understand that I was doing the best that I could. Little does this poor child know, everything I did was such a struggle. Forn instance, when i was trying to buy this condo off of Sherman BLVD and Grant, I had plans on dying soon afterward.

God is good. Real good. The deal fell through. He knew that I would have been satisfied to at least leave my children with some property to start their lives off with. He knew. He really understood my sick and selfish mind. I'm happy, although, I must look like a fool to the family that I paid all of those bills and other things in effort to get that house that I never got. I already know how some of them think.

The ones that asked to borrow money and I didn't because I had another mission, must be happily, merrily glad that my life is working out like it is. I've heard it over and over. They think that I was 'actin' funny' with some money. Fuck them. I know what I was trying to do. I wanted some property to leave to my children.

Ha! Everything short of loving 'Twelve' is for them. Twelve is all I have to myself and thank God cause if he was anything like my stepfather, he'd be dead with Twelve wasted inches of dick, probably stuffed so far up or down his own throat that the corinors wouldn't find it under their fine scope. That's the truth, Ruth.

Good night.