Perilous Thoughts

Back Down Memory Lane

Today was one of those days where I could have just crashed into floor and dissappeared into the dirt I felt like. I did the sick scolding shower thing before I left home trying to wash away old 35 year old dirt left by an unruly dearly beloved.

As much as I washed and as red as my fair skin was, I could still feel his film of sickening child predator's lust creeping into my day. The moment my eyes opened this morning at 4 o'clock, the feeling creeped into my mind's window pane and splashes of scenes rushed inside of my mind. I turned and tossed in an effort to get into a comfortable possition so that I'd hurry back off to sleep.

That didn't happen. With every turn it seemed that another scene that should have never happened in my childhood life became life in living color on the inside of my closed eyelids. There was no running cause. I know cause I have tried to run away for the sad scenes for many years. Who am I fooling? I could have forgotten about all of this a long time ago. I just want to be sad, right? I just want to be sad cause that's what I'm used to being is a sad little girl, then a sad teenager and then a sad young adult and now a sad grown as woman, right? Yeah, that's what I've wanted to grow up and be all of my life.

Forget the fact that I've gone to college over ten years in pursuit of the knowledge to forget how to be sad with lots of money and friends in high places. Forget that I drink up Italy trying to drown the memories away with small and huge sips. It depends on the day. Forget that I smoke cigarettes by the carton that's supposed to make me feel happy with all of the 4000 plus chemicals, right?

I want to be sad, lonely and depressed driving down memory lane, again, forever, for always,

Sad.