Snow Melt

I Started Out With ...

6 Asma 164 B.E. - August 24, 2007 about 10:20 PM PDT

I started out with specific intentions with this blog. I even posted the goals in the blog introduction (mostly for my benefit). I've apparently gotten lost in the dark. I don't think I've achieved any of the goals lately. I feel an urgency to get things done, not only house work but writing as well. Yet the harder I try the less I get done.

I feel like I'm floating somewhere in space, lost in the darkness between the stars or perhaps the galaxies. I'm pulled in several directions at once. I feel the gravity of opposing star systems and galaxies pulling at me. Forcing me to choose one or the other, but then rejecting me if I start to float toward them.

OK, maybe I have a rejection complex. I know that I feel that no matter what I do it's not going to be good enough. Not matter how hard I try I'm going to fail at something. I don't know exactly what's going on with me or in my life, but whatever it is it's getting to me. In an off site blog I said I thought I'd been going through a crises of faith, but I'm not sure about that at this point.

I don't doubt Baha'u'llah, I know that whatever is happening to me I can depend on Baha'u'llah and God, but I don't think I can depend on anyone else. Sometimes I'm not even sure I can depend on myself. I know when this all started. I know the exact date and approximate time.

On March 12, at about 7:00 PM, I took my mother to the hospital, she was doubled over in pain. Everyone came to my ... or perhaps I should say our aid ... supportive and encouraging. Now I feel abandoned, alone ... floating in the darkness. The situation is getting better, but it's getting better because I'm focusing on spiritual issues in my personal life. It's getting better because when I pray I focus on the prayers and their meaning. It's getting better because I'm looking for the ways the prayers are answered, rather than expecting the answers the way I want them.

I feel abandoned and alone when I look at human beings rather than at Baha'u'llah. When I read the scriptures and the prayers revealed by Baha'u'llah, I never feel alone or abandoned. Perhaps the out come of this whole situation is to change my focus from self and human beings to God's Will as revealed through Baha'u'llah. I know that in the past few days my faith has gotten stronger, I've looked at the way my prayers have been answered and found that

He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice him,
He who fears God, God will send him relief.
Baha'u'llah