Down the Rabbit Hole

A Year in the Life

This weekend we celebrated our daughter's first birthday. As I sat, cautiously filling colorful balloons with helium, I couldn't help but reflect on the past year of our lives. There had been low points certainly, but then there were the highlights, the moments so saturated with joy that I could hardly believe it. There have been many such moments in my life when I thought, this is what it must be like to step from a dark place filled with pain into a space of such bright, white hope that you feel temporarily blinded by it.
I remembered the night when I struggled through the those first contractions. Refusing to believe the time had really come and stubbornly holding on to the belief that I would only be sent back home, I was stunned to learn that I was already five centimeters when we finally arrived at the hospital. I remember slipping into a sleepy euphoria as the epidural took hold and trying to snooze over the hushed sounds of Fatih and my sister talking and the occasional irritating squeaking as my mother-in-law shifted impatiently in the bedside hospital chair. I remember the disappointment to find out after nearly 24 hours, I had failed to progress enough to deliver Jaden and would be an emergency c-section. I remember the terror that washed over me as they rolled me into the operating room, bound my arms down and covered me with a blue tent from the waist down. I could not contain the tears and when Fatih appeared, gowned with a mask over his mouth, I saw my terrible fear reflected in his wet eyes. Then, in a few short moments, Jaden was there, small and squirming, dark and wrinkled in the nurse's hands, just a few inches from my face. I was awed. I felt complete, as if someone had taken all the empty spaces in my soul and filled them up with the unconditional love of all time.
From that moment on, time has seemed to move at double-speed. I have been amazed at her growth, marveled by how her personality has developed in a series of little leaps and bounds. I have witnesses the flashes of a temper she surely inherited from me, but also the quiet moments of ease and mellowness that are trademarks of her father's personality. Jaden is the best of what makes up her father and I. She is independent and strong-willed but also loving and sweet-natured. This first year with her and been the most wonderful time in both our lives.
I watched our friends and family interact with Jaden during the festivities. She is a social child, enjoys the company of people and never seems to protest to the affections bestowed upon her. We have wonderful friends and family, she is lucky to have these people in her life. I loved watching Jaden, perched on one lap or another, her pink fuzzy tiara remarkably still in place, tired but clearly content to be surrounded by the familiar faces and warm embraces. It was a special night that we will always remember. It has been a remarkable year, one that has felt from the very first moment, to be a wonderful blessing, the most amazing of gifts.