Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about taking a seat.

Good evening people. Got a little story for ya...starts poorly but has a happy outcome, so I'll share.

I'll preface it with a question that you've probably never heard, nor asked. And 93% of you will probably get it wrong. Did you know that stores like http://www.biglots.com/ have Furniture Department Managers? Me neither. They're a discount retailer selling the crap Walmart and Target couldn't sell two years ago...I just figured they assigned employees to specific departments to straighten them up and had stockpersons help with the big stuff (not that you can usually find anyone working anywhere besides the register in Big Lots, but anyway...).

So back in August, as I'm wont to do once in awhile, I was flippin' through their ad in The Metro Source when something caught my eye. I had been looking for a chair to replace the rickety old one I was using at my computer desk in my ManCave. They had one on sale for $59. The chairs I had seen at Office Max and Office Depot hadn't caught my eye, and the ones that did were in excess of $100, which was more than I was willing to spend. I guess I probably wanted more chair for less buck. That's where Big Lots comes in.

I went over there (ten minute drive) to check it out. Sure enough, for $59 you could get a basic low-back chair on wheels, with plastic armrests and mesh cusioning. Or, for $79 you could get the adjustable-height, leathery lookin' with padded armrests (key feature), mid-back Executive chair. As I was not interested in the $99 chair, it's worth noting that the only difference (for $20) was that it was high-back. I wanted the $79 chair. I liked the price, I liked the look, and (I never thought I'd be saying this about a chair, but) I liked the features. Made a phone call to justjessica1 to get the approval, and took it home. All was well in the world (once I finally got it together).

(For reference, they no longer have the actual chair I purchased on their website. They've replaced it with this one, which is the same exact thing only without the crucial padded armrests: http://www.biglots.com/browseItem/desks-and-office-chairs/3737).

That wasn't even four months ago. Now, you know how these chairs with the adjustable height work...push the lever on the side to raise or lower it. I had it set to my preferred height when I put it together, and haven't touched it since. So last week I go to sit down, and I hear a "whoosh" and feel the pressure drop as I'm lowered to pretty much as far down to the ground as the chair can go. Not cool. Not only did it make for some uncomfortable laptop interplay, but I could've been hurt had I not been aware of what was going on!

Now, you also know that I'm aware of how retail works. I understand the "30-day return policy with receipt (and packaging, which is in the fine print)", and I had my receipt. But that's all I saved. Wish I woulda saved the damn warranty info. But I was gonna try anyway. All I wanted was a friggin' exchange. And since I had to go to Big Lots today anyway for an extension cord, I figured I may as well inquire about my chances with the chair.

And here's where every facet of logistics in retail goes to hell.

I grabbed the cord I needed, and took no less than three laps around the aisles of the store. Yeah, sometimes I just like to walk around to see what the deals are and what they've got, but not today. I was on a mission to find anyone in a black polo shirt that didn't have a paw attached to a cash register. I finally settled in the furniture section in front of my chair. They still had it in stock and on display. Sweet. Finally I spot an older gentleman and say "I have a question about this chair, but I probably need to speak to a manager about an exchange." He explains that he is, in fact, the furniture department manager and what I needed...only to agree with me that I needed to speak to the store manager, but she's busy and if I go up front, the cashier will call her for me. With a tone of "yeah, that's not gonna happen" and a tiny side of "I'm gettin' outta here, good effin' luck ".

Which was fine. I figured I'd pay for my cord and have the beard behind the computer (I mean, why do we still call them registers anymore...they're all freakin' computers now anyway ?) call the manager. And sure enough, who ends up in line behind me to cash out about a minute later? The manager of the furniture department. Finally I cash out, and the beard calls the manager. She calls back and tells the beard to tell me she's really busy but she'll be out in a minute. Which makes me wonder how a freakin' Big Lots manager can be so busy? No one works the floor, no one cleans it, the shelves are empty...what kind of party am I interrupting?

While waiting, I learned a new math theory. One "Big Lots Minute" = Ten "Real Life Minutes". Try that one out yourself the next time you have ten minutes of your life you can waste. Hey, I may know I'm in the wrong and asking a lot out of these people to help me out, but I also know you never keep a customer waiting.

Finally, "she" comes out. And I only know it's a "she" because when her slightly chubby, sexually ambiguous figure used its mouthpiece to address me, it sounded like she'd swallowed a 4-year-old girl with the purpose of having her do all of her speaking.

I explained to her my situation, very calm and polite-like. And of course she shot me down. Gladly I didn't take the chair apart just to take it back home...but it's not like I was gonna go home without a resolution anyway. I've been on the other end of the game so many times, I was determined to get what I wanted. I said "Look, I got the chair less than four months ago. I have the receipt. It's still under manufacturer's warranty. I don't have the box, and I don't need the box the one comes in if you just exchange it. I don't want my money back; I just want to exchange it for one that works." And it didn't come down to it, but I was prepared to go next-level on her if I needed to. I was already picturing myself contacting corporate...thankfully, I didn't have to. Miss 4-year-old crankypants changed her tune. Offered me an exchange. I said no problem. I'll go home, get the chair, get the receipt, and get this fucking over with.

We drive a Saturn Ion. There's no effin' way this chair's getting into the car in one piece; luckily the back and the part you place your butt on separate from the pole, base and wheels. Luckily I could get the back/butt into the backseat. Didn't think that was gonna happen. And I'm on my way.

And here's where it turns into ridiculous, unintentional comedy.

I pull up and park in front of the store, grab the base and head on in...at what could've been the worst possible time for any manager (especially this time of year): Her cigarette break. But I don't care. This is my $79 broken birthday present, and you're not gonna deny me. I say, "I'm back with the chair" and she looks at me, and says incredulously, "You only brought the wheels?" Am I stupid, lady? Really? Did you want me to stand in a dark parking lot in 30-degree cold and try to struggle to put it back together? C'mon man! Of course I'm gonna make two effin' trips.

So we finally get back into the store, and she tell me to grab another one and she'll do the exchange. I go to the furniture department, spot the display of my chair, and all the boxes for sale are gone. Empty. Miraculously, I spot an employee, point to the chair, and ask him where they are. He tells me they're over a few feet. Cool. I grab one, and notice it's priced at $99, although the display still says "Sale- $79". Figuring that's the case, I head to the register. The beard has all sorts of confusion trying to process the sale, so he calls over Miss 4-year-old crankypants again, who determines I've grabbed the wrong chair. Well, I grabbed what I was told to grab, so whatever, and no, I'm not paying $20 more for a high-back chair. I'm 5'6" without the God Complex, so what do I need a chair that big for? So she called her furniture guy to bring me the right chair.

Only, he brought the $59 chair. I pointed this out, and I could tell this "woman" was starting to stew. First she probably thinks I'm trying to scam her out of a better chair (I wasn't...it was an honest mistake). Now she probably thinks I'm trying to get money from them (and I wasn't...I just wanted what I came in with, only one that works), because she told me I wasn't getting the difference if I took the lesser-valued chair. Which, if I wasn't so damned determined, still wouldn't be good enough. Not for my time and travel over something Jess spent good money on and has become an inconvenience. One more time, the furniture lackey went back, this time to "check the stockroom". Finally, he got it right. "Someone must've buried it in the back" he says, implying it's the last one (and hence, no longer available on their website). I get my package, and I can finally go home.

And this epic debacle isn't over with just yet.

I get ready to open the box so I can assemble it. There seemed to be more tape than usual securing the package at the top. When I opened it up, there was no plastic baggage around the back and butt part. The base pole was shrinkwrapped instead of being held in place by cardboard fillings. The wheels were in a large ziploc bag. The screws? Small ziploc bag.

WTF!! I get the last one, and it's already been assembled?? I tell myself it can't be the case as I try to assemble it...without directions. But at this point, everything else has been a clusterfuck. After getting the arms, butt and back together, I came to realize by the imprints of the plate of the pole attachment in the butt of the chair that it had, in fact, been assembled once before. But fuck it, if it works, I'm keeping it. And so far, it does. I've dealt with it enough. I'll take my chances. They were eventually kind enough to replace it then and there, and finally did, when they could've told me to screw myself (like I'm sure they wanted to). And I know, I know. I know what you're all gonna tell me, as I would tell all of you. You don't go to the dentist who also changes oil. If you want a quality product, pay the money and get it from someone who knows what they're doing...and don't buy crap on the cheap from someone who sells everyone else's "I can't sell these; here, you take 'em".

CHRISTMAS MUSICAL BREAK!!

Back in the day, there were no Targets or Walmarts in The 'Lo. If you wanted to shop at a big-box discount retailer, you went here. And it was frowned upon if you were spotted there. The worst insult you could hear on the elementary school bus back then was "You got that at K-mart last night!", which spawned the best comeback in history: "How would you know I was at K-mart? You were there too if you saw me there." Ahhh, the days of my youth.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X96Un6POoo8

Don't ask me where I got this from; I'll never reveal my sources.

VITAL STATS

Lost in the drama of Big Lots today was the fact that the outside of the house's decorations have been started (hence, me running out to get an extension cord among other things I needed to go elsewhere for). I must stress that it was very unintentional that I missed the extravagant plans Jess had in place for this occasion. She described it, laid it out, and decided we needed more things. So since Big Lots is in the same plaza as Tops (our closest non-discount grocery megastore), I made it a combined trip. When Big Lots didn't have what we needed, the closest Walgreens down the street did. And what did all of that lead up to? Me not getting Griswald'd by trying to finangle her plans in with just what we had. Or, in her words, intentionally skipping out on helping decorate.

Saw a commercial for this, and I almost kinda want it! https://www.timelife.com/6mdm I loved that show when I was a kid, and actually had a Barbie-sized doll of him. This was after they shrunk GI JOE dolls into "action figures", but before GI JOE was an actual cartoon. And I used to want to take it to bed with me, but I was too little and, well, it was kinda dangerous. Let alone a 5-year-old taking a doll of a man to bed with him in 1980...creepy.

Anyone wanna offer to spell-check this for me? I've caught myself at least 10 times going back over stuff. Bad night at the keyboard.

I think that's all I've got...I'm sure I had a little more, but this has gone on for far too long tonight, folks. I'mma hit you all up in the morning/afternoon before I go to work, cuz it's gonna be a late night tomorrow. Peace and love...GOODNIGHT NOW!!