Evolution of Love 2

A SHIFT INTO SILENCE

A SHIFT INTO SILENCE
part 3

Very soon after that, there was the accident. It happened two months later, at the end of October. I was away on a business trip in the North of France. The cell phone was silent: no network. And then I connected to a network and saw all these messages waiting for me. Wow, I thought, something must have happened. I dialed a number. At the end of the line, my best friend faltered: “Your son…. On the road…. An accident… he’s gone….” At first, I don’t think I believed it. ‘An accident’, that I could understand. As for the rest: It’s not possible, she made a mistake! And I drove, I drove to the agreed meeting place, my sister’s house. I didn’t think, I just drove. At one point, there was one thought: If this is true, my life is ruined. But this thought did not last. It collapsed into this same tranquility that I had been living for the past few weeks. When I got to my sister’s, they were all there waiting for me. My family, my friends, everyone. So I knew it must be true. Everyone drew around me, to tell me about the tragedy. I felt a sort of release, I let myself go.

The situation was what it was – no tears, no crisis. I went up to my room where it was quiet. I saw my friends and family, worried, come to see what I was up to. I saw them trying to talk to me, trying to find out where I was at with it all. In fact, I was quite calm. The hours passed, it was still the same: I saw that people were busying themselves with things, but how can I put it? Deep inside me there was no agitation, no revolt. Not the slightest outburst, no agonized cry like: It’s not possible! This should not have happened.

I have a hard time remembering exactly what happened, but I did not feel the pain that everyone thought I would. I saw that pain is not caused by a situation. At least, not in my case, not when there is this silence; the situation cannot cause me any pain because pain cannot co-exist with silence. At first I did not say anything to anyone. I could not act a part either. So I stayed the way I was – calm. Of course, I didn’t jump for joy, but I did not fall apart either. I was in a sort of neutral space. My close friends, thinking I was devastated, said, “It hasn’t hit her yet.” But it wasn’t that. I had totally understood, but I still perceived this same silence in my head, that enabled me to stay calm. I let the weeks go by, one after the other, with agitation and upset all around me. There was the funeral, the condolences, the absence; but I experienced all of this from within a tranquility, which never ceased. I had to admit the obvious – that something deep inside me enabled me to live through all this in peace. It was incredible, yet it was true.

Then an intense feeling of wonderment struck me deep inside. And I let myself go with it, more and more, deeper and deeper. After a while it was so enjoyable that I let myself be totally taken over by it. And the more time passed, the more I felt it there, deep inside me, strong and gentle and caring and everything one can imagine… about the unimaginable. Those around me thought I was numb. They were waiting for the moment when I would fi nally realize what had happened and move on to an overt grieving process. But I was totally conscious, I knew what had happened! What I did notice, back then, were moments of sadness, how can I put it – I saw them. I saw them coming, I saw them leaving. I felt the emotion coming. Then, I felt it, as it was there, but I could not hold on to it. So it continued on its way. It left.

~ Yolande Duran-Serrano

In 2003, and as a result of a spontaneous awakening, Yolande quits her career and her lifestyle to devote herself to the observation of the silence/presence she speaks of. She currently shares her experience and her point of view in gatherings and retreats all over the world:

"The whole problem arises from the belief that we are this person. Silence is our true source and is natural in every one of us"