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Review #4482809
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of Monster  
Review by Mastiff
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful! This is, of course, part of the I Write 2019 Contest, and I tend to go deep in these things anyway, but always as positive as possible!

Title: It's used and unremarkable. But when I read the subtitle, and it also did give much away. I decided to wait. While I might get some more insight if the cover picture was on the front of a book, but beware of judging on that alone. I've seen it done. Give a very vague title, a little nudge, and you have me reading the first paragraph. If you meant to do that, bravo! If not, I'm afraid only the first applies.

Initial Reaction: So, you got me in... let's see where we go. If you flip around the (not moving) stone grazing her (moving) hands, you have a nice open. Aside from taste, which would be difficult but not impossible, you covered four senses. Normally, this is where I would really decide if I would review a piece, and here I would. I preach using the senses.

Setting: Very good start. Aside from what I've already said, I can picture a fire somewhere creating the color you describe. You don't seem to have issues with setting a nice picture. As I continue through, I see it isn't just a one time thing, you keep us in the place well.

Character Development: Interesting. She doesn't know herself, but we learn she can see heat patterns. Unusual arrangement, it is, but I can't say I don't like it quite a bit. I'm meeting your rescuers, and they're fairly well done, you kind of get that Norse vibe even before the reference. By the way, I'd make people look it up. *Smile* We also now know about the monster. I'm glad it wasn't a relative or something. Those can be worse monsters.

Plot: It was very well done. I didn't know before, but when Leif stabbed her, I figured she was a "monster" as well. Now to see what twist might await! The lettering on the names is a nice touch. You slip her back into the story a bit harshly while Lief is talking to Nanna. Consider inserting her just a little earlier with a "she listened quietly to them" so it doesn't seem so abrupt.

Ending: It hits fast after we know the girl is a "monster" as well. There's a nice debate about it, too. If I'd do anything, I'd name the real monster when it speaks. Again, it's a bit abrupt, and that might soften it up.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 1 Ln. 4 - Comma after "her."
Para. 2 Ln. 2 - That line may come across better as, "Do I even have clothes?" Especially if she's experiencing memory loss. Or just "did" instead of "do." Just a suggestion.
Para. 3 Ln. 1 - Consider a comma after "clothed."
Para. 16 Ln. 4 - Not sure if that should be "shined" or not. Shone is a past or past participle, and you're in the present.
Para. 30 Ln. 4 - Either a comma before "which" or use "that" instead.
Para. 38 Ln. 3 - Did you mean to say "the" girl? If you did, you make me think they were searching for her in particular!

Overall - I'm surprised there are so few edits and just ideas. On this many words, it's usually much longer, and I think you write very well!

Happy Writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

   *CheckG* You responded to this review 05/03/2019 @ 1:07am EDT
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