Gravedigger

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
a C A R N A L story

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when you dig my grave
can you make it shallow
so I can feel the rain?
                   Dave Matthews Band

The phone rang three times before the little shit picked up.

The heavy pumping of a bass line to some dance song thumped thickly in the background when he did and distorted Alexey’s voice as he snapped an irritated “Speak!” into the phone. Simon chuckled and waited until the small crowd of people that must have been in Alexey’s apartment stopped cheering. He’d stopped wondering what his brother’s get-togethers were like a long time ago because the less he knew, the less he could worry.

“I’m not a dog, Lex,” Simon said and the damn kid actually had the audacity to snort in response. He felt a smile part his lips because if there was one thing his little brother was good at, it was not taking shit from anyone, including family.

“I said ‘speak’ not ‘woof,’ you jackass,” Alexey shot back and he followed it up with a laugh that made Simon echo it. A woman’s voice said something loud and obnoxious next to him that Simon was entirely too sober to understand. Apparently, Alexey was not, because he burst out into laughter and for a moment it sounded like he forgot his big brother was even on the phone.

Simon sat back in his chair, looking down at the table, just listening to the noises of his brother‘s party. It was an entirely different atmosphere where his brother was, but then again, it always had been. He was playing rock star in Los Angeles, across the fucking country and it seemed like on the other side of the entire world from the Welsh’s mansion in New York. Alexey had never taken to the wealthy life of a Welsh, and the dipshit always said it was because his last name was Romanova, not Welsh. But Simon knew better. He knew it was because Pearl Welsh only wanted one son and Simon was it. When she’d had a second, out of wedlock, she’d sent him off with his father and pretended he’d never happened.

“Careful, you might bust a gut, Lex,” Simon said, leaning forward and unscrewing the top to his water bottle. He’d just gotten changed to go on a late night jog, but had decided to stop putting off calling his brother. He was just scared. He was scared that when he asked Alexey what he needed to ask him, the asshole would say no.

A loud squeal sounded in the background on the phone and Alexey ignored Simon for a moment, yelling at someone across the room, “Party foul!” before he cleared his throat and seemed to turn away from the action. “Look, asshat, if I wanted you to be my personal trainer, I do have a job and I could pay for your fucking services, you health freak. How’s the business going by the way? Making a lot of house calls?”

Simon shook his head, the grin still spreading across his lips. “Oh, you know, a bunch of rich soccer moms, too much time on their hands. They all want to stay hot and attractive in case their rich husbands choke on a pretzel. So, yeah, I make a lot of house calls.”

Alexey laughed. “Yeah? How does your girl feel about that? I don’t suppose she’s into the whole menage a trois thing, huh?”

“Well that’s kind of why I’m calling,” Simon said.

A sharp gasp escaped Alexey’s throat and Simon rolled his eyes because his brother could be such a horndog sometimes. “No shit, I knew Kim was eye fucking me the first time we met,” he said and gave a laugh. Simon heard some other guys return it in the background. “You want to set up a date? Oh, and hey, we’re gonna need to set some rules too. Like no crossing swords, I don’t swing that way. And don’t look me in the eye. In fact, are you sure you wouldn’t just rather do this with another chick? But hey, if it was me, we could try this Eiffel tower thing that fucking Eddie said he did with his buddy. The girl sucks one guy and takes another doggy style and the guys high five when they cum.”

“Jesus Christ,” Simon laughed. “You kiss your mother with that mouth?”

Alexey let out a single bark of laughter. “If I kissed my mother, she’d probably file a restraining order.”

Simon laughed and ran a hand over his face, looking towards the darkened cigar room to his right. The room had been decorated and built for his father, who’d been an avid cigar smoker. A few guys from the country club would come over, they’d drink bourbon and discuss politics and it was high class and wealthy and everything Simon hated about this lifestyle. It was everything he was trying not to become. In some ways, he envied Alexey because his brother had gotten out of it. He may not have the financial support he needed, but he was doing what he wanted. Playing gigs and doing shows and living how he wanted to live and not how anyone told him to. Simon was the one still at home with his mother. Maybe that was about to change.

“Lex, are you too drunk right now to remember if I ask you to be my best man?”

The silence was terrifying. For a moment, Simon thought he’d stepped out of bounds. They’d always gotten along. They weren’t the closest of brothers, and Alexey had always had some resentment towards Simon when it came to their childhood and acceptance by their mother, but he thought they were okay. They never talked about deep shit or cried in front of each other and if there was an emergency, Alexey would never be the first one he’d call. But they were brothers. And they could joke and they could laugh and if Alexey asked something of him, really needed something of him, he’d be there without a doubt. He thought Alexey felt the same way. But the silence was making him doubt himself and he almost said something. He almost told him he was joking, laughed it off and he’d send Alexey’s invitation in the mail.

The voices in the background suddenly started yelling for Alexey and he heard his brother swear as he ran into something and then he was yelling, “I’ll be right back you fuckers! My big brother’s asking me to be his best man - if I start crying I don’t want to do it in front of you assholes.” Simon felt a laugh of relief escape his throat and he listened to his brother shuffle around before a door slammed, the loud music and yelling far more muffled. His brother let out a contented sigh. “Okay,” Alexey said. “Now, say that one more time because I want to make sure it’s not the beer talking.”

Simon grinned, leaning forward over the table. “I want you to be my best man.”

“Holy shit I did hear you right,” Alexey laughed and Simon heard him slide down the wall and sit on the floor. He could imagine the hallway outside his brother’s cruddy apartment and he wished Alexey would move closer to home and out of Los Angeles. He’d offered to help him find a place here. New York had a pretty good music scene, he was sure Alexey could find something here to do. “You asked Kim to marry you?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I asked her yesterday. Took her to dinner at Franco’s.”

“Did she say yes?” Alexey asked and Simon could practically hear his brother kick himself at the stupid question.

“Well I thought you could be the best man at my ‘she said no’ party,” Simon chuckled.

Alexey scoffed and then give a laugh. “Fuck you,” he said. “Man, my big brother’s getting married.” They were quiet for a moment and Simon didn’t miss that Alexey still hadn’t said yes or that his brother sounded like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He wondered if Alexey was happy with the news or if it was just another log on the fire of resentment burning in his chest and maybe he should have thought about that before he picked up the phone to call him. “Does Mom know?”

“Yeah,” Simon snorted. “She’s already taken Kim to look at dresses.”

“Fuck, she works fast,” Alexey spat and then he gasped. “Oh man, didn’t Mom introduce you two?” He didn’t give Simon time to answer, but yes, she had. “What if she turns out to be just like Mom? Maybe I should be talking you out of this. I could be saving your life.”

Simon’s face softened, because he could recognize that tone in Alexey’s voice. The tone that told him his kid brother was thinking about all the baseball games she’d gone to watch Simon play in. All the piano recitals she’d forced him into and the kickboxing classes she’d paid for. It was the tone that told him Alexey was remembering the one football game of Alexey’s she’d gone to because he’d gone to school in a separate fucking state and she’d only been out there visiting because Simon had some scholarship conference in the area. It was Simon’s idea to go and if he hadn’t begged and thrown a temper tantrum, they never would have gone. It was funny, because sometimes it seemed like Alexey thought Simon was the one who needed to be saved.

“I love her, Lex,” he said solidly.

Alexey was quiet for a moment and when he spoke, his voice was probably the most serious Simon had heard it in a long time. “You sure about that?”

He hesitated. Later he might feel bad about it, because yesterday he’d been able to tell Kim to her face without it being a lie that he loved her. And he did. But for some reason, when Alexey asked him, he couldn’t form the word right away. He couldn’t get it to come out of his mouth without getting stopped on his tongue. But he pushed it out.

“Yeah,” he said.

Alexey snorted. “Okay then,” he answered. “When’s my flight? We need to plan your fucking bachelor party.”

Simon didn’t think he’d ever spend more than three hours inside a flower shop, but in seven minutes, he’d have been looking at carnations and roses and tulips and fucking baby’s breath for four hours straight. He didn’t think it was humanly possible and he hadn’t really thought there were four hours worth of flowers in the shop when they’d first walked in. But he’d underestimated the damn salesman and his finesse. Now all they needed was a wall of shoes and Kim could spend the entire day in this one store.

“I really like the yellow carnation bouquets,” Kim was saying. She stood in front of a display that had seven different types of carnations in thirty different types of arrangements and Simon had told her when they’d first walked in that she was going to go with the yellow carnations because those were her favorite flowers. He’d bought them for her on her birthday and he’d had to call her parents, her sister and three of her friends to figure out which ones she liked the most. She’d almost cried when he’d had the bouquet delivered to her work. Kim was an emotional girl like that. He’d thought it was cute for the longest time. But soon he’d stopped being able to tell when she was crying because a dog died in a movie on television or because she actually meant the tears running down her pink cheeks.

The store clerk grinned and nodded and Simon wondered if the guy really liked working in a flower shop and if he did, what his boyfriend got him on their anniversary. Flowers seemed redundant. “How many guests are going to be at your wedding?” he asked, his eyes solely on Kim. He’d hardly looked Simon’s way and maybe Simon should have thought what his girlfriend got him, but maybe Simon just wasn’t his type.

“Well, five hundred so far,” Kim said, her eyes still scoping out the other flowers. Simon sighed and tried to think if he even knew five hundred people. Kim and his mother had sat down and started making out the guest list. When he’d tried to tell them that he didn’t really want a big wedding, Kim had almost called it off because she said she’d always dreamed of a fantasy wedding ever since she was a little girl. So Simon decided just to let them handle it. All he had to do was stand there and say “I do.”

“How marvelous!” the man laughed and he pulled out a catalogue from behind the counter. “Now, we have a variety of different holders for the bouquets. Have you picked colors out yet? Yellow and sea green go very well together.”

“We were thinking baby blue,” Kim said and Simon sighed because when she said “we,” she meant her and his mother. He looked around the store and suddenly he couldn’t stand being in here anymore. He loved Kim, he’d said so to her face and to Alexey on the phone, but he couldn’t put up with these flowers anymore. It was enough to make a man go crazy.

Looking out the window, he could see a sushi place across the street and he knew Kim would be mad, but he had to go. He had to get away from the fucking roses. Turning back to Kim and the salesman, he forced a smile on his face and said, “Hey Kimmy, I’m gonna run across the street and grab a bite. You want an anchovy roll?”

Kim looked up and Simon nearly winced at the look on her face. It was annoyed, disappointed and angry. She was leaning against the counter and the salesman stood next to her, maybe a little too close and maybe Simon wasn’t paying enough attention to how much attention that guy was giving Kim. They were both looking at him as if they just noticed he was there for the first time and maybe he shouldn’t have said anything and just gone across the street and come back and no one would even have to know he was gone.

“I knew you would do this,” Kim said and she stuck her tongue into her lip, shaking her head and looking at a spot next to her instead of at him.

Simon sighed and took a few steps over towards her. “Kim, it’s not like that, babe,” he said. “I’m tired and I’m hungry and the flower smell is getting to my head.” He saw her glare at him and he didn’t think this was very fair. He wasn’t trying to ditch her. Four hours was about three and a half hours longer than a normal guy would spend in a flower store. He didn’t know what she was so upset about. She hadn’t even asked his opinion on any of the flowers anyway, so why did she need him here?

Kim just waved her hand at him. “No, it’s fine,” she snapped. “Go ahead and go. It’s just our wedding, why would it matter to you anyway?”

Yeah, the sushi plan was out the window. Simon sighed and started walking over towards her. When he reached her side, his hand slipped into hers and she wasn’t looking at him, her jaw jutted and her eyes cast down on the catalogue of flower holders in front of her. The salesman was watching and Simon wondered if he saw a lot of this shit. He wondered if couples always got this bad before they got married.

“It matters because I love you,” he said quietly to her and Kim just sighed loudly to tell him that wasn’t enough. He thought it should be, but for her, he’d do better. “I love you and I want you to be happy and if staying here and picking out flowers with you makes you happy, then I’m here, babe.” He tried to watch her face for any trace of a smile, but she wasn’t giving. She was still just staring at a spot on the wall and he frowned, looking around the flower shop because he couldn’t just go and get sushi now. She’d never forgive him and what kind of marriage would that be?

On a counter across from them was a small blue pot. He grinned and walked over to it. “You said you were thinking about baby blue, right?” he asked and his hand reached out to snatch the pot. “Well, here’s a pot right here…” The words died on his lips. His fingers curled around the top of the pot and as he plucked it away from the counter, his fingers suddenly slipped. He didn’t even notice that he’d dropped the thing until it shattered on the ground. He stared down at the pieces and then back at his hands and he frowned because the tips of his fingers were tingling.

He barely heard Kim yelling and he didn’t hear the salesman telling her it was fine, he could only stare at his fingers and his hand as it shook where he held it. He frowned and then Kim was hitting him in the chest and he turned to face her.

“What’s the matter with you?” she yelled and she was getting up in his face. Her blue eyes weren’t sparkling anymore and the anger was evident on her face. She shoved him again in the chest. “Just go get your sushi, Simon. If you don’t want to be here, that’s fine, but don’t start throwing temper tantrums. And you‘re paying for that vase.”

Simon nodded, grabbing the wrist of the hand that had dropped the pot. He twisted it and stretched the muscles and wondered if he’d pulled a muscle during the yoga class he taught the other day, or if the tendons had been overworked. He had been giving some extra lessons lately.

“Okay,” he said simply.

Alexey was wearing a dipshit grin when he walked through the gates of the airport. Simon could only return it because it had been months since he’d last seen his brother and he was looking more and more rock star every time he saw the little shit. His hair was getting long and scraggily and hung in a loose ponytail, strands falling about his face. He had a guitar strapped to his back and a duffle bag in his hands and his clothes were torn and ragged.

It was three weeks until the wedding and Alexey saw it fit that he be here right up until the Honeymoon, and even that had taken some convincing that he didn’t have to tag along for. But Alexey was determined to throw Simon a bachelor party. And he may have just come this early to free-load off their Mom, but Simon wasn’t opposed to that for his brother. She hadn’t given him hardly anything growing up, so why shouldn’t she now?

“Hey there Tiny Dancer!” Alexey greeted him as he came to stand in front of Simon, who just laughed. His brother dropped his bags to the ground and then threw his arms out to the side. “Well, let’s hug and get the awkward part over with.”

“Don’t grab my ass,” Simon warned him, a second before he wrapped his arms around his brother, who laughed loudly and, much to Simon’s chagrin, did just that. He let out a loud bark of laughter and pulled away from his younger brother, who was grinning ear to ear. “You’re such a freak.”

Alexey shrugged and picked up his bags. Simon went to grab one of them but his brother slapped his hands away. “That’s the way the ladies like it,” he said, waggling his eyebrows and Simon just shook his head. Then Alexey frowned and gave him a once over. “You losing weight? You’re not as meaty as you were at Thanksgiving.”

The smile on Simon’s face faltered and then slipped clean off. He looked down at himself and frowned, because he didn’t think he’d been losing weight. He hadn’t changed his diet or his exercise routine. He had been teaching some extra classes lately to keep busy, and it wasn’t at all because he was trying to avoid Kim. But there was no reason for him to be losing weight. He shook his head and looked back up. “Nah, don’t think so.”

Alexey studied him a moment and then grinned again. “Alright then. Where are we going for lunch? I’m starving. When did they start charging you for airline food? I ain’t paying fifteen bucks for microwaved shit,” Alexey rambled as they made their way towards the parking lot. That was what Simon loved about his little brother. He had a mouth on him and most of the time the stuff that came out of it was hilarious and sincere. Sometimes he could be a little crude and inappropriate, but he was a good kid. He wondered what Kim was going to think about him showing up this early. Simon hadn’t told her he was coming and the two of them had never really gotten along, no matter if Alexey thought Kim wanted his body. Maybe he’d better get used to sleeping on the couch until the honeymoon.

“Steeple’s,” Simon said, heading towards the parking garage where he’d parked his new car. It had been a gift from his mother for the wedding. A black Mercedes. Simon wasn’t sure he liked the car, but he liked not having his mother ask what was wrong with it more, so he drove it. “Uh, Mom’s going to meet us there,” Simon slipped in as he popped the trunk with the remote on his key ring and he grabbed Alexey’s duffle before his brother could answer.

“What?” he snapped, the humor gone from his face. “Man, Simon, I don’t want to eat lunch with her on the first fucking day I’m here,” he complained and Simon walked back over to grab the guitar from him but Alexey batted his hands away and swung the guitar around himself, opening the back door and shoving it into the seat. Then he looked up at Simon and his face was serious. “Can’t I wait until tomorrow to be chastised and regretted?”

Simon smiled encouragingly to his brother. “She promised to behave,” he told him.

“Behave?” Alexey asked and then scoffed. “You’re doing this to me on purpose, aren’t you? It’s because the stripper I got for your birthday last year had the extra nipple, isn’t it? Look, I didn’t know she was a circus act, okay? Can’t you just let bygones be bygones?” Alexey made a face and then raised an eyebrow at him. “What the fuck is a bygone anyway?”

“It’s just lunch, Lex,” Simon said and climbed into the car.

His brother gave a frustrated shout and then pulled open the passenger side door, climbing in too. He sat down heavily and then slammed the door, crossing his arms over his chest like a little kid. “I hate you, I hope you know that.”

Simon started up the car with a laugh. “No you don’t,” he said and he hoped it was the truth. Alexey gave him a look but there was playfulness on his face and it satisfied him because sometimes he couldn’t be sure with his brother. He pulled out of the parking lot and then glanced in the rearview mirror at the guitar sitting there. “How’s the music scene going?”

A loud sigh escaped Alexey and he smacked his head against the window. “Oh, you know, finding gigs wherever I can. I played at a grocery store the other day. They were having some super huge sale open house fucking thing. I got a free sandwich out of the deal. Mustard and everything.”

Simon winced and he couldn’t tell if his brother was joking or not. But it didn’t sound like it. He glanced over at him and the kid was too skinny. He looked okay, but Alexey didn’t have a normal job. He used his music to pay for his rent and his groceries and everything else. And if he didn’t find places that would pay him to play, then he was out of luck.

His mouth was moving before he could stop himself. “You need money?”

The noise that escaped Alexey’s mouth was one of controlled anger. He could hear the resentful tone just barely restrained beneath the surface as his brother spoke and he winced because he hadn’t meant it like that. He never rubbed his money in his brother’s face because he knew it had always been a struggle for Alexey and his Dad. The guy was a piece of work and truthfully if Alexey hadn’t been around and had a part time job while he was in high school, they probably wouldn’t have managed.

“I don’t want your fucking hand-me-outs,” Alexey snapped and Simon shrunk in his seat a little, nodding because he didn’t want to piss his brother off, especially not right before they were going to have lunch with their Mom because it would be a disaster once they walked into the place. It probably was already. Alexey turned to glance at Simon and his face seemed to soften a little. “But you know…” he waved his hand. “Thanks.”

Simon gave a small smile. “If you need anything, you can just ask,” Simon said gently.

“You’ll be the first person I come to, trust me,” Alexey said and then seemed to shake himself out of the mild funk he’d sunk into. He drummed his knees with his hands and then whistled and turned his head to look at Simon. “Besides, I think I found an alternative.”

Simon raised an eyebrow. “It’s not drugs, is it?” he asked.

“Jesus,” Alexey spat. “No, Mr. Health Awareness, it’s not drugs. I’m not that stupid.” Then he bent awkwardly in his seat, thrusting his hips up towards the ceiling and Simon glanced at him worriedly for a moment but watched his brother dig something out of his back pocket. It was a pamphlet of some sort and it looked a little worn, like he’d had it for a while. “You heard of the Shifter Initiative?” he asked.

Glancing at the pamphlet, he could see the words sprawled across the front and right beneath it there was an abstract picture of a butterfly, with human eyes photo shopped into the designs on its wings. “Yeah,” he said and he didn’t like where this was going so he didn’t elaborate.

“Well,” Alexey said dramatically, opening up the pamphlet. “They’ve got this thing where you don’t have to pay for the operation. You just have to sign a contract that says you’ll work for them for a few years or some shit. Like, any kind of work. But they pay you.” Alexey turned in his seat to look at Simon. “They pay you for something as sweet as having your genes spliced. How fucking cool is that?”

The look on his face must not have been what Alexey wanted to see because Simon opened his mouth to say something, but Alexey held up a hand. “Oh come on, you’re telling me you wouldn’t want to have your genes spliced with an animal’s? You could be like an actual werewolf, minus the whole full moon blood craze shit. That’s fucking awesome. Come on, don’t be lame and tell me you don’t think it’s cool.”

Simon shrugged. “It’s just…” he shook his head and he didn’t want to mention that he’d attended an anti-gene splicing rally a few months back. Kim had dragged him along, but he had to agree with what some of the people were saying. “I don’t know how I feel about permanently changing my genes, you know? I mean how long has this been around? Not that long. How do they even know that it works. What if one day you change into an animal and you can’t change back? Or has anyone even considered the social aspect of a procedure like this? You’re empowering a select group of people. Whose to say that one day that group of people won’t decide to restructure the human social order?”

Alexey snorted and folded the pamphlet back up, sticking it back into his pocket. “Holy shit,” he said, shaking his head at Simon, who just sighed because he knew what his brother was going to say before he even said it. “You are such a tool. You know, have you ever thought about going into politics? I think you’d fit right in there. All politicians spew the same bullshit that you just did.”

“I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do it…” Simon started.

“I didn’t say I wanted to do it,” Alexey snapped and he sounded like he was actually upset. Simon sighed because he’d just flown in and Simon was supposed to be on his side. “I just said it was an option that I was considering.”

“Maybe you could try something a little less life altering?” Simon said gently and his brother just shook his head and looked out the window. “Like maybe you could get a job?”

“Oh fuck you, Simon,” Alexey spat and Simon ran a hand over his face. “Let’s not talk about this anymore. Just get us to Steeple’s so we can meet Mom and the two of you can tell me how much my life sucks and what a loser I am. Maybe you could make fun of my hair and offer to take me to Goodwill. It could be your act of charity for the month.”

Simon frowned and chewed the inside of his lip. There was only one way to diffuse this situation. He needed to snap Alexey back into his humorous state. “Are you sure you’re not on drugs?” he asked and his brother laughed at the comment, which seemed to settle some of the tension in the car.

“You’re such an asshole.”

“I can’t believe I slept so late.”

Simon scrubbed his hands over his face and he couldn’t seem to wake up or get the sleep out of his eyes. He felt like he hadn’t slept a wink last night, but he’d slept for nearly fourteen hours. Alexey had already been up, which it was a rare occurrence that Alexey woke up before Simon, ever. But he’d already been awake and had made breakfast and lunch by the time Simon had crawled out of bed. He thought maybe he was catching a cold or the flu or something and if he was, it had better be done in the next week because he was getting married in two and a half and if he was sick for his wedding, Kim would never forgive him.

“I know,” Alexey squawked from the chairs he was laying across. They’d driven to the tuxedo store to do one last fitting before the wedding and Alexey looked increasingly bored. He had a magazine in his hands. Simon was in one of the changing rooms, with the curtain drawn, but he could hear his brother out in the store. “I had big plans today too,” he whined.

Simon laughed. “What plans could you possibly have?” he asked, pulling the pants on. He frowned as he got them over his hips and held the buttons together. It looked like the pants were a few sizes too big. He glanced over at the tag that had been attached to one of the belt loops and his name was scrawled there, so these were the same pants he’d been fit with two months ago. His frown deepened because he didn’t think he’d lost that much weight. He looked at himself in the mirror and held the pants with one hand, bringing the other up hold his neck and look at himself appraisingly in the mirror. Maybe he had.

“I wanted to test some of the stripper services,” Alexey called and Simon smiled despite himself. “Make sure we don’t get jipped this time. Since this will probably be the last one you’ll have until you get a divorce.”

Simon rolled his eye and shoved the curtain back. Alexey glanced at him, his feet bouncing to a silent tune and the magazine still held in his hands. “You’re so optimistic,” Simon told him and then turned to the tailor who was coming over. He saw a frown mar the man’s face the same way it had his when he saw how much the pants needed to be taken in.

“Thinking you’ll get a divorce is being optimistic,” Alexey said and sat up as the tailor guided Simon up onto the stand in the middle. There were three mirrors positioned around him and he looked at himself in the mirrors, tilting his head to the side. Now that he was holding the incredibly baggy pants around his waist, it did look like he’d lost quite a bit of weight. He didn’t need to lose weight, and he tried not to be worried about it. “Are you sure those are your pants? You need fucking ass implants to fit into those.” Alexey asked.

Simon shrugged and looked at the tailor. “Could they have gotten mixed up?” he asked the man. He watched as he grabbed the tag and then shook his head. “No, there’s no mix up,” he said and looked up at Simon. “I can take them in for you, though. We should look at the suit coat too, just in case. Have you lost weight recently?”

“Must have,” Simon said quietly.

The tailor nodded and then pointed to the polo shirt Simon was wearing. “Okay, just take off that shirt and I’ll go grab your coat.”

Simon nodded and grabbed the hem of his polo. He turned to look over his shoulder at Alexey, who was frowning at him, not yet aware Simon was looking at him. “Don’t look, you perv,” Simon told him.

Alexey rolled his eyes dramatically and Simon grinned as he pulled his shirt up over his head. “Oh please, you ain’t got nothing I…Jesus Christ.” Simon rolled the shirt up in his hands but paused when he heard his brother’s tone change drastically. He glanced back at him and Alexey wasn’t laying on the chairs anymore. He’d thrown his magazine down and his eyes were wide and scared. “What the fuck happened to you?” he demanded, looking Simon in the eye.

“What?” Simon asked, not having a clue what he was talking about.

Alexey stood up and came over. His hand came out and grabbed one of Simon’s shoulders and he turned him around, so he could look at his back in the mirror. Simon sucked in a harsh breath. His back was littered in bruises. They came in varying degrees of healing and some were dark and some were fading, but they spanned his entire back. He stood there for a moment and just looked. Even Alexey was quiet as he inspected the bruises.

Then his brother’s eyes came up to meet his again and his voice was quiet and serious and not a tone that he heard on him often. “What happened, Simon?” he asked quietly.

Simon opened his mouth to answer, but he really didn’t know what to say. He didn’t remember falling or hitting himself and his back didn’t hurt or feel different. He reached an arm around to touch one of the bruises and it didn’t register that it was even really there. He shook his head and looked back at his brother. Alexey was looking at him with wide, scared eyes and Simon knew that “I don’t know” wasn’t going to cut it. And he didn’t want his brother to worry.

“You know, it’s probably from this new kickboxing class I’m taking,” he said and he was surprised with how swift the lie came off his tongue. Alexey watched him for a moment and he didn’t know whether he was buying it or not. “They flip us a lot,” he added lamely.

Alexey’s face curled into a snarl. “Well flip them back,” he demanded. “This is like…cruel and inhumane. Does it hurt?”

Simon shook his head. “Nah, can’t even feel it.”

The tailor came back out then and handed Simon a plain white t-shirt and he put that on before pulling the suit coat on. He felt his heart sink when the coat was big as well. The tailor plastered on a fake smile and told him he could take them both in and that it would only take a few minutes. He set to work right away and Alexey returned to the chairs, grumbling something about kickboxing and idiots, but Simon wasn’t paying attention to either of them. He was staring at himself in the mirror. He didn’t want to admit it, but when he looked himself in the eyes, he had to.

Something was wrong.

Simon was making stir fry for dinner. He stood at the counter cutting vegetables while Alexey sat at the kitchen table, reading some comic book he’d brought with him. Simon didn’t have the energy to rib his brother about it, either. He was just feeling so tired and fatigued lately. Alexey had wanted to go to the bar last night, but Simon had been too tired and he promised he’d make it up to his brother, but Alexey seemed to understand. He caught the way his brother would glance at him sometimes out of the corner of his eye. Alexey wasn’t stupid. Simon knew something was wrong with him and he knew his brother was picking up on it too. It was just a matter of time before one of them admitted it out loud and maybe then he would make a doctor’s appointment or something.

Maybe the one thing that was preventing him from admitting it was Kim. Their wedding was in two weeks and he didn’t want to disappoint her if something was seriously wrong. It could wait until after their wedding, couldn’t it? He glanced over at her, because she was sitting at the table across from his brother and she was browsing through a makeup catalogue. She had a red pen in her hand and was circling all the things she wanted to order. She worked part time for Mary Kay, so she got a discount on items. Sometimes Simon thought she spent more on makeup than any of her clients.

“Babe?” she asked and he glanced up from the green pepper he was chopping to look at her. She chewed on the top of her pen and then looked up at him. “Do you think I look better in Caribbean Coral or Flamingo Shrimp?” Simon tried to keep the smirk off his face when he saw Alexey’s eyes slowly rise from the comic book to look at Kim like she’d just sprouted a third head.

“I think you look good in anything you wear, Kimmy,” he told her and he was proud of himself for that comment, but it didn’t seem to appease her because she narrowed her eyes and put the pen down.

A sigh escaped her parted lips and Simon wanted to echo it because all they seemed to do these days was fight and they hadn’t had one in front of Alexey yet, but it looked like they were about to. She crossed her arms in front of her and leaned forward onto them. Simon saw his brother glance away, because he had a front row view of her cleavage and even if normally Alexey would be all about that, maybe he was trying a little bit harder because this was Simon’s fiancée.

“I’m being serious,” she said, her eyes narrowed. “I need to know which one looks better. You have to have an opinion. Why are you always so afraid to give it?” She glared at him and waited for an answer. He saw Alexey turn his eyes towards Simon and he looked a little awkward which almost made Simon laugh because Alexey never felt awkward. Maybe he just didn’t know how to act around Kim because she was almost family but Alexey still joked about how hot she was all the time.

Simon shrugged and glanced back down at the green peppers as he started cutting them again. Then he looked back up at Kim. “Okay, the Flamingo Shrimp, then.”

Kim scoffed. “Now you’re just picking one because I told you to.” She slammed the magazine closed and shoved it aside, sitting back in the chair with her arms crossed over her chest. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

He didn’t know what set him off. Maybe it was the look on Alexey’s face, the disbelief that Simon would just sit there and take being talked to like that. Maybe it was the fact that he was so fucking tired he could barely see straight. Maybe it was the fact that he thought about hesitating in telling Alexey he loved Kim every freaking day and they had a wedding coming in two weeks and he wasn’t sure why he’d even asked her anymore.

“You know what,” he snapped and he saw Kim’s eyes widen a little bit. “I think you’re the unbelievable one. You ask me a question, I compliment you, then you ridicule me for having no opinion. So I give you my opinion and then you insult me. There’s no way I can do a fucking thing right around you, is there?”

“Don’t you talk to me like that,” she yelled, pointed a finger at him and Alexey sat up little bit in his chair, slowly closing his comic book. He opened his mouth to say something, maybe to excuse himself from the room, but Kim was shooting out of her chair before he could get a word out. “I’m the one who has put all the work into this wedding. Are you sure you even still want to have it?” She spat the words out and they stung because his first response wasn’t yes. It wasn’t to apologize and it wasn’t to tell her that he loved her and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

His first response was to tell her that no, he wasn’t sure and maybe she should return the five hundred fucking crystal plates she’d ordered.

But he didn’t get a chance to tell her that. He opened his mouth to do it, but all that came out was a harsh gasp as the knife he held in his hand sliced one of his fingers. He swore and threw the knife to the side, looking down at the blood that was practically pouring from the wound on his hand. He growled and turned around, heading to the sink. Behind him, he heard Kim take a small intake of breath and then she was grabbing one of the towels off the counter and coming over to him.

Simon held his hand under the water for a moment before Kim pulled it back and pressed the dish rag against the bleeding cut. “What’s the matter with you lately,” she spat, the venom thick in her voice. Simon just turned his eyes towards the ceiling and didn’t say anything. He heard Alexey’s chair scoot back and then his brother was moving towards the counter in the middle of the kitchen, pulling the knife away and scooping the vegetables Simon had already cut into a bowl so they could still be salvageable.

“Maybe it’s not him,” his brother said under his breath.

“What?” Kim snapped, turning her burning gaze to him.

Simon sighed and turned to look at Alexey too. “Lex,” he warned, because he didn’t want his brother to get involved in this.

Alexey held up his hands. “I’m just saying,” he defended himself and dropped the bowl on the counter.

“Oh my god,” Kim said suddenly and Simon turned to look at her, ready for another argument, but she wasn’t even looking at his face anymore. Her eyes were on his hand. He looked down and had to swallow thickly because the towel she’d pressed against his hand was soaking through with blood. It dripped heavily into the metal sink. She glanced up at his face. “How bad is that cut?” she asked and the bitchiness was out of her tone, her eyes wide and worried.

“Jesus,” Alexey said, heading towards the counter to grab another towel and he brought it over, handing it to Kim. She pulled away the old towel and Simon looked at the cut on his hand. It wasn’t deep. It wasn’t big. It wasn’t over anything vital. There was no reason it should be bleeding this much and he felt his stomach flip flop. He looked away from the cut, swallowing again. Kim pressed the fresh towel against his hand and Simon had to close his eyes because the room was starting to spin. “Simon?” Alexey’s voice came and he felt his brother’s hand on his shoulder.

As soon as his brother made contact, it was like he was a puppet whose strings were just cut. His knees gave out and he felt himself falling, unable to stop it from happening. He heard both Kim and Alexey give startled yells and then his brother’s arms were wrapping around his midsection, keeping him from hitting the floor. He felt his head fall backwards onto Alexey’s shoulder and Kim was shouting his name frantically, one of her hands still holding the towel to his bleeding one, and the other one coming to his forehead.

“Simon, hey come on,” Alexey said and he’d never heard his brother sound so scared before. He’d never heard him sound so serious. “Stay with us, bro.” Simon tried to. He tried really hard, but the world was tilting and turning and his eyes were closing, his face draining of all color and his hand still bleeding darkly, now dropping fat droplets of blood onto the kitchen tile. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t stay with them any longer.

“Jesus Christ, call a fucking ambulance,” he heard his brother snap. And then he was out.

He noticed his hands first. It was a weird thing to notice when you first woke up, but he did. One hand was wrapped in gauze and tape and he couldn’t move his fingers at all. The other hand had an IV in it and that was the hand that clued him off to the fact that he wasn’t just at home in his bed. It was hard forcing his eyes open. When they finally peeled open, the room around him was white and sterile and he knew it was a hospital. He recognized hospitals because he’d been in one as a child once, when he’d had his appendix removed.

“Lex?” he asked, his voice hoarse and his mouth dry. He vaguely remembered his brother being there when he’d cut his hand and he could remember him yelling to call an ambulance. He wasn’t sure how he knew his brother would still be there, so maybe it was more hoping because anyone else, he just didn’t care about. Maybe Kim. Not his mother. In fact, he kind of hoped she wasn’t here because she was the type of woman who would somehow turn this into her show. She’d be looking for pity from everyone because her son was in the hospital and how could this happen to her baby and blah blah blah.

Simon felt a hand on his arm and then Alexey’s voice came and he sounded tired and worried, but there was the normal flare of humor there too, just dimmed beneath exhaustion. “It’s about time you woke your sorry ass up,” Alexey said and Simon felt a comforted smile cross his face. He turned his gaze to his brother and his vision was fuzzy, but with something to concentrate on, he was able to focus. Alexey had dark bags under his eyes and he wondered how long he’d been out. “How you feeling, man?”

“What happened?” Simon croaked out.

Alexey grinned, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes and Simon wasn’t used to that look on his brother. “You fainted, dude.”

Simon smiled, despite himself, and he gave a small shake of his head. “I don’t faint,” he breathed out. “I spontaneously nap.”

A snort escaped his brother and Simon closed his eyes again, focusing on breathing and evaluating his body. He felt exhausted. He could barely keep his eyes open and he didn’t think he’d be able to stand up on his own if he tried. He forced his eyes back open and when he did, he found his brother watching him intently. Alexey grinned when he caught his eye. “Well you should take more of them. Get your beauty rest. You’re looking a like peaked lately.”

“You sound like Mom,” Simon said and gave a soft laugh at the look of horror that played across Alexey’s face. He didn’t give his brother time to respond as he looked around the room and frowned. “Where’s Kim?”

“Ah,” Alexey groaned and tipped his head towards the door. “She went with Mom to go find some coffee.”

Simon let out a breath, wincing slightly at the pain it caused his ribs and he wondered why he was hurting so much all over. Had he really lost that much blood? “Mom’s here?” he asked, his eyes closing again and he felt Alexey’s hand tighten slightly on the arm. It did a good job of anchoring him to the world of the waking and he forced his eyes back open. Alexey was looking more and more concerned every time he looked at him and Simon didn’t blame him. He was barely able to keep up with their conversation and he felt like his head weighed a ton.

“Yeah, she’s here,” Alexey said and then forced a smirk on his face. “She blames this on me, by the way.” Simon frowned and wondered how their Mom could possibly blame this on Alexey. His brother hadn’t done anything. Simon had just cut himself while making dinner, that’s all. “She says I’m a bad influence and that I was making you fool around in the kitchen. I tried to tell her that our definitions of ‘fool around’ are completely different and if I was responsible for it, there’d be hookers involved.”

A chuckle escaped Simon’s lips and he tried to shrug a little but it failed miserably. “Well, Kim was there,” he said.

Alexey’s eyes widened. “Did you just call your fiancée a hooker?” Simon just nodded, too tired to do much else. Alexey looked at the wires and tubes strapped to him and then he was shaking his head. “Man, what do they have you on? I need to try some.”

“You said you don’t do drugs,” Simon said tiredly.

“I don’t,” Alexey grinned. “But in this case I’ll make an exception. Because you’re my role model and if you’re doing it, I want to do it,” he gave Simon a sick, sweet smile.

The clicking of their heels on the hospital tile in the hallway gave them away before they actually reached the room. Both Simon and Alexey tipped their heads to look to the doorway and Kim walked in first, followed by their mother. They were both smiling, but it faded somewhat when they got in the room and Simon didn’t miss the fake smiles that they both plastered on. He wondered what they’d been talking about while they were out getting coffee.

“Oh my boy,” his Mom said and came over to the hospital bed. She pushed Alexey out of the way and Simon watched him stand up with a frown on his face.

“No, it’s alright, I’ll just go sit over here,” he said, giving a scathing glare towards her.

She leaned over the bed and placed her hand on the side of Simon’s face. He just looked up at her because the touch was forced and rough and Pearl Welsh had never known how to show affection to her sons. Not even Simon. Her smile was so fake that Simon almost told her to just leave. But he didn’t and she bent over him, sitting on the edge of the bed. “What have I always said about fooling around in the kitchen?” she said, her voice impurely sweet. Simon just sighed. “Your brother comes home and you forget everything I’ve told you. It’s the same every time.”

“Mom,” Simon warned, because he didn’t want to hear her bad talk his brother right now.

Alexey gave a small, incredulous laugh and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back in his chair. “Oh, hey, I don’t think you realize, Mom - but I’m in the fucking room.”

Pearl turned to glare at him over her shoulder. “You watch your language,” she snarled at him and it was a vicious thing. “We are in a public place and I will not have you embarrass me in front of the doctors here.” Simon rolled his eyes and then looked at Kim, who was standing at the foot of his bed and he wondered what it meant that she hadn’t come on his other side to see him or say anything to him. She looked like she was ready to crawl out of her own skin, her hands running up and down her arms as she looked at the heart monitor and then the IV and gave a disgusted look.

“You okay?” he said quietly to her.

Kim’s eyes came to his face and she nodded her head too quickly. “Yeah, yeah I’m okay,” she said and then shrugged a little. “Hospitals gross me out. I don’t like sick people.”

Simon’s face faltered for a second and he saw his brother staring at the back of Kim’s head like he wanted her to go jump out the window and fall to a brutal death. His lips were curled up into a disgusted sneer and his brow formed a complete V over his nose. Simon thought it looked funny, but he didn’t think it was an appropriate time to tell his brother that.

“So I probably don’t look hot or charming right now then, huh?” he asked jokingly, his eyes half lidded as he watched Kim’s face.

She smiled. He didn’t like that smile on her because she was forcing it so badly. “You’ll be hot again once you’re out of the hospital.”

Simon stared at her for a moment and then he laid his head back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling and he wondered when the blindfold had been put over his eyes. He heard Alexey scoff and grumble something and then his mother was yelling at him again but Simon didn’t even listen to what she was saying. She was probably belittling him. Probably telling him how much of a failure he was and how he should act more proper and pristine and Simon couldn’t agree less with her. He just stared at the ceiling and he felt his eyes closing because it felt like he was standing on the ledge of a building with one foot hanging off and the other teetering between safety and a long fall to the bottom.

“Am I sick?” he asked suddenly and the room quieted down around him. He didn’t bring his eyes down to look at any of them. He couldn’t.

Alexey cleared his throat and stood up, coming back over to the bed, ignoring the glare Pearl gave him as he shoved his way back to Simon’s side. “We’re waiting for the doctor,” Alexey said gently and Simon finally brought his gaze down to meet his brother’s. Alexey smiled for him. “They ran a lot of tests.” Alexey cut off at that and swallowed thickly, eyes downcast for a moment and he looked scared. But he smiled and looked back up. “This is a very elaborate plan to get out of cooking dinner, you know.” Simon chuckled at him.

There was a small knock on the doorway and they all turned to look at the doctor standing there. He looked around at the crowd and then smiled at Simon, coming over to stand near the bed. Pearl and Kim stood at the foot of the bed and they were watching the doctor closely.

“Good to see you’re awake, Mr. Welsh,” he said. “I’m Dr. Hightower. How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” Simon answered.

The doctor nodded. “I suppose you are. You lost a lot of blood. We had to give you a blood transfusion. It’s a good thing your brother here has the same blood type as you. He was ready and willing.”

Simon raised an eyebrow at Alexey and noticed for the first time the ball of cotton taped to the crook of his arm. Alexey grinned, but his face was still worried. “If you start having a taste for Clam Chowder, it’s not my fault. I’m an addict.”

Simon smiled and then shook his head. “I lost that much blood from just a cut?”

The doctor nodded. “Yes. It wasn’t a deep laceration, but you weren’t clotting like you normally do with an injury like the one you sustained.”

From the foot of the bed, Pearl leaned forward. “Doctor, is my son alright? Can we take him home now? We have a wedding in less than two weeks, we need to finish preparing for it. My sister and her family are coming in a few days and we have some dinners planned. Not to mention I have a lot of work to do with the country club‘s annual picnic and Simon usually helps out with that.”

The doctor looked at her for a moment and then turned back to Simon, a genuine, caring smile on his face. “Well, we ran some tests,” he said and paused, the smile faltering a little bit. Simon licked his lips and just watched the doctor. “How long have you had the bruises on your back, Mr. Welsh?”

Simon swallowed thickly and he looked over at Alexey, who was watching him closely, for once his face unreadable. He tried to offer a smile when he saw him looking at him, but he didn’t quite make it. Simon looked away and frowned a little. “I only noticed them a couple of days ago,” he said quietly.

Nodding, the doctor asked, “And have you noticed any weight loss? Fatigue? Weakness in your limbs?”

“Yeah,” he said simply in a whisper.

Dr. Hightower sighed and then moved a little closer to the bed. “Mr. Welsh,” he began and Simon felt his mouth go dry because he knew just by the look on the doctor’s face that he wasn’t going to like what the man said next. “Our tests showed that you have an extremely high white blood cell count.”

Simon felt his stomach drop. He knew enough about the human body, he’d spent enough time studying nutrition and cholesterol and health that he knew that wasn’t good. His face paled and Alexey must have seen it because then he was looking sharply at the doctor. “What does that mean?” he snapped, sounding angry and scared.

“We have to run more tests. But coupled with the symptoms you’ve shown,” the doctor said and his voice lowered into a sympathetic tone. “I’m fairly certain we’re dealing with Leukemia, Mr. Welsh.”

The world seemed to slow down around him. Alexey sucked in a breath and at the end of his bed, his mother and Kim both gasped harshly. Pearl gave a small cry and then put a hand to her mouth, shaking her head and it was dramatic and overplayed and she was sitting down heavily and Simon didn’t miss the way Kim went over to her and held her hand. He didn’t miss the way she didn’t come to him. He felt his brother’s hand come to his shoulder but he couldn’t even look at him. He only stared at the world and his heart was beating loudly in his ears and he felt like he was going to be sick.

Leukemia. Cancer. Simon had cancer. And it wasn’t the type you could just cut out of your body. It was cancer of the blood. Of his bone marrow. It was the least survivable type of cancer and now he had it.

“My son, my son,” Pearl was crying. “What am I going to do?” she sobbed.

Alexey spoke softly, ignoring the women at the other side of the room and he kept his hand on Simon’s shoulder. “What are our options?” he asked and Simon rolled his head to the side to look at his brother because he’d never heard him sound so in control before. He’d never heard him sound so determined.

The doctor tilted his head side to side and spoke to both Alexey and Simon, seeming to ignore Kim and Pearl as well, which Simon would have found commendable if he hadn’t felt so numb and terrified. “There are a couple of options. Radiation and Chemotherapy being the two that we’ll most likely start you on, once we determine Leukemia is what we’re dealing with.”

“Does that mean he has to stay in the hospital?” Kim asked, her eyes wide but she wasn’t crying. Simon wondered why she still hadn’t come to his side and if it was because he was sick, he wondered how she’d handle marrying him when he had cancer.

“That depends,” the doctor told them. “It depends on how you’re feeling, how you’re doing, and how high your white blood cell count is. Right now, it’s at a level we can do outpatient treatment. But the chemo and the radiation, it’s possible both of those treatments could make you sick, so you’ll need someone home with you at all times.”

Pearl shook her head, taking a deep, dramatic sobbing sigh and said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Simon looked down at her and he just sucked in a breath, listening to her words and trying to figure out what this all meant. He was having trouble following along and overcoming the initial reaction to the fact that he had cancer. “I’m much too busy to sit with him all day every day. I have committee meetings, dinners, benefits. There’s just too much going on right now. I don’t have time to take care of him.”

His brother’s hand tightened on his shoulder slightly before he was snarling. “Jesus Fucking Christ, Mom,” he spat and the doctor, for his part, didn’t even flinch at the swear words. In fact, he looked like he wanted to say something similar himself. “He’s not a fucking dog. He’s your son. I don’t think your damn book club will mind if you miss a few meetings to take care of him.”

Pearl’s face contorted into a look of anger. “You don’t understand the things I’m involved with, Alexey.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” Alexey agreed and then turned to the doctor. “Look, we’ll do the outpatient whatever it is. I’ll stay with him. When can we start the treatments?”

Simon looked up at his brother and for a moment, it was like he was looking at a complete stranger. A grown up, compassionate, caring stranger. It was still Alexey, but it was a side of him he’d never seen before. Simon wasn’t usually the one who needed to be taken care of or defended. It was usually the other way around. “Lex,” he whispered hoarsely.

Alexey turned to him and patted his shoulder, looking more determined than he’d ever seen him in his life. “It’s alright,” he told him firmly. “I’m staying. However long it takes.”

He wanted to tell him no. He wanted to tell him that he should just stay in the hospital because Alexey had a life and a music career to get back to in California and if he stayed here, he could be here for months, maybe years. He wanted to tell him no, it wasn’t worth it, it was okay if he went back to his life because Simon could handle this. He was okay with staying in the hospital. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t okay and right now he didn’t want his brother to leave because other than the doctor, he was the only person in this room who’d come to his side.

“Thanks, Lex,” he whispered.

Simon laid on the couch, vomiting into a bucket on the day he was supposed to have his wedding.

They’d postponed the ceremony and hadn’t set a new date. Simon wasn’t sure they were going to. Kim had only been over to the house a handful of times in the past two weeks and each time she’d only stayed long enough to see Simon puke and then she left. The chemo and radiation were taking its toll on him. He was nauseous all day long and when he wasn’t vomiting or in the bathroom, he was sleeping. It seemed all he did lately was sleep. He’d shaved his head a couple days ago, after he’d noticed a thinning patch on the side of his head. He could barely keep anything he ate down, so he was reduced to soup, jell-o and smoothies that Alexey was constantly creating new combinations of flavors for.

Some days were worse than others. Some days Simon felt like he was dying, he probably was. Some days he would feel a little better and his hopes would soar that maybe the chemo and the radiation was working and he was getting better and he could be cured. He’d asked the doctor what the survival rate for the type of leukemia he had was, and he’d found out it was 50%. He tried not to think that his life could be predicted by a coin toss. He wondered if he could call it now, so he’d know. Heads he lived, tails he died. He wondered if all cancer patients got this morbid.

The television was on and Simon was watching it dully. His vision was blurry and no matter how he tried to focus them, he just couldn’t see the picture clearly, so he mainly just listened to the show. A television tray sat somewhere behind him and next to the couch was a bucket he could grab when his stomach started flip flopping. He wasn’t sure where Alexey had run off to, but he had been making some soup in the kitchen a while ago and it had smelled up the whole house and had really messed with Simon’s stomach. He rolled his head to the side, his face pressed against the back of the couch and he swallowed several times to try and keep himself from throwing up.

When he thought he got the nausea back under control, he looked at the television screen again and he thought it was a lost cause because he couldn’t see the damn thing. He felt blindly for the remote, up on the television tray and when he found it, he clicked the television off. As soon as he did, he could make out some quiet talking coming from the kitchen. He frowned and tried to listen, because he didn’t know who else was here with Alexey and him. Kim didn’t come over anymore and his mother was out at some banquet or something. She was barely home at all and when she was, she usually avoided Simon. Unless there was company. Then she spent all her time showing them how much she loved her son and took care of him and it was complete and utter bullshit.

“Yeah, I know I said I’d be home this week,” Alexey was saying. “I already called Greg and he said he’d fill in for me.” Simon realized he was talking on the phone, because he couldn’t hear the other side of Alexey’s conversation. “I know he can’t hit the riffs, but I can’t make it this week. Yes, I fucking know the night club gig is coming up next month, but Greg can fill in for that too.”

Simon closed his eyes and sighed as he realized he was listening to his brother give up his life to stay here and take care of him. It sounded like he had some important things coming up, too.

“You know what, fuck you,” Alexey snarled. “I don’t know how long I’m gonna be here, if you’re not willing to wait, then fucking replace me. Not like I wrote all our fucking songs or anything.” There was a pause and Alexey gave a loud, bitter laugh. “Well I’ll be sure to watch your fucking VH1 Behind the Music special when you hit it big you fucking asshole.”

The sound of the phone slamming down had Simon wincing. He closed his eyes again as he listen to Alexey let out a slow, calming breath in the kitchen and Simon pretended he was sleeping when his brother came into the living room. He felt Alexey stop and he could almost feel him looking at him. Then he heard his brother snort. “You’re a terrible actor,” he said.

A smile crossed Simon’s face and he peeked his eyes open, looking up at his brother. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” he said, his voice rough and ragged from throwing up for the past few days.

Alexey clucked his tongue and waved his hand at Simon like it was no big deal. He collapsed heavily into the loveseat across from him, slouching and he looked utterly tired. Simon watched him a moment and Alexey was grinning, but there was a heavy weight on his shoulders now and Simon hated that he was the cause of it. “Bah, I don’t care,” he said and sighed. “Guys were assholes anyway.”

“Was that your band mate?” he asked.

Alexey nodded. “Yeah. They’re replacing me. Stealing all my songs, putting their names on them. Going to all the gigs I booked. Meeting the record guy I talked to on the phone. You know, normal musician bullshit.”

Guilt coursed through Simon’s chest and he shook his head, his eyes watery as he looked at his brother. “You should go back,” he prodded gently.

“I told you, as long as it takes,” Alexey said sternly. “You’re still sick, I’m still here. I’m a man of my word. Honorable. I should be knighted. Given a medal. Maybe I‘ll meet the president. Get my own holiday.”

For once, Simon didn’t join in his brother’s humor. His eyes were locked on Alexey and he felt his face fall a little bit. “You don’t have to stay, Lex,” he whispered.

“Fuck you, Simon,” Alexey said and the words surprised him. Alexey sat up on the loveseat, putting his head in his hands and his messy hair fell about his hands, shielding his face. “Don’t you say that to me,” he said so softly Simon almost didn’t hear him. “How could you even ask me to leave you here like this when all you have is Mom? What kind of person do you think I am that I would do that to you? That‘s like cruel and unusual punishment.”

“I wouldn’t blame you,” Simon said. “I wouldn’t hold it against you. You’re gonna be here a while, probably.”

Alexey snorted. “Good thing I brought my toothbrush, then.” The doorbell rang and Simon and Alexey both craned their necks to look at the front door. Simon’s eyes moved slowly back to his brother, who was still seated. Alexey snorted again and waved his hand at Simon. “No, don’t get up or anything. I’ll get it.” Simon chuckled and Alexey grinned brightly, jogging to the front door. Simon closed his eyes a moment and listened to his brother joke and laugh with whoever was at the door. He wondered if Alexey would really stick around the whole time, because he didn’t see himself getting better any time soon. Every day seemed wore than the last one. He just kept getting sicker and sicker. He held up his hands and looked at them. The tips of his fingers were starting to discolor. The doctor had said that was a pretty common side effect of the radiation treatment. His fingers and toes would blacken. He sighed and crossed his arms around his chest, hiding his fingers beneath his armpits because he didn’t want to look at them. If he didn’t look at them, maybe they’d go back to normal.

When Alexey came back into the living room, he was carrying a bouquet of roses with him. He was grinning ear to ear. Simon smirked. “Girlfriend?” he joked.

“They’re for you,” Alexey said, waggling his eyebrows. “There’s a card, want me to read it? Please? Pretty please?” He was bouncing on his feet a little and Simon could tell he really was resisting the urge to just read the card without waiting for Simon to give him permission. He nodded and laughed as Alexey put the flowers down on the coffee table and yanked the card out, tearing it out of the envelope. “Simon,” he read. “I hope you feel better soon. My key is in the flowerpot,” Alexey paused and frowned looking down at the flowers. Simon frowned too, not understanding that part. Alexey’s face fell as he kept reading. “I’ve spent the past few months looking forward to married life, but I can’t spend the next few anticipating the life of a widow.” Alexey glanced up at Simon, his face paling before he read the last part. “Call me if you get better.” He scoffed and lowered the card, looking at Simon as he finished. “Love, Kim.”

Simon glanced at the roses as he worked the meaning of the card over in his mind. Alexey sat down heavily on the chair again and threw the card onto the table, eyes on Simon. “Jesus,” he whispered. “Simon…I…” he trailed off, like he didn’t know what to say and Simon didn’t blame him. He knew he and Kim had been having problems and she didn’t like sick people, but he never thought she’d throw him to the curb just like that. With just a little card and a bouquet of roses. Not even a phone call. Not even a word to his face. How could she have? She didn’t like sick people and he was practically dying.

He felt like everything around him was falling apart. He felt like his world was crumbling down around him and he was at the center of it just watching and unable to do anything.

He put his hands over his face and gave a jaded scream.

Simon’s outpatient treatment ended abruptly when they had to rush him to the hospital at four in the morning one night. He’d woken up and he’d had to use the bathroom. Instead of calling for his brother, who was asleep in the next bedroom over, he’d tried to make it to the bathroom by himself. He hadn’t quite made it. He’d slipped and fallen and he’d hit his head on the edge of a table in the hallway and he would have bled to death if Alexey had been a heavy sleeper.

At this point, Simon knew it probably only would have been a matter of days before he’d wound up in the hospital anyway. He’d deteriorated immensely. His fingers and his toes were blackened. He’d lost around thirty pounds since the day he’d been diagnosed and he barely recognized himself when he looked in the mirror. His white blood cell count had kept getting higher and higher and he’d almost been to the point where they could no longer treat him as an outpatient. The chemo and the radiation weren’t working. Simon knew it. Alexey knew it. The doctors knew it. He’d have to explore other options.

He drifted in and out most days. Most times when he woke, Alexey was there. He was grateful, but he didn’t miss the dark bags beneath Alexey’s eyes or the exhaustion etched into his face. Sometimes he woke and his mother was there. He didn’t mind not being able to stay awake for long periods of time when he woke to her. And sometimes when he woke, there was no one. The room would be empty and quiet and he’d wonder what his family was doing. He’d wonder if his clients had found a new yoga instructor. He’d wonder if Kim had found a shiny, slick husband yet.

He wondered if the world would miss him if tomorrow he was just gone.

Simon woke late in the day to his mother shaking his shoulder. It was hard to open his eyes. It was hard to concentrate on her and when he finally did wake himself up as much as he could, he saw she was sitting by his bed, catalogues and a notebook on her lap, a pen held in her hand. She was smiling at him and he wondered if she was trying to get him to help her plan for the country club’s Harvest festival, because it seemed about the time of year to start. He’d helped her the past three years. Maybe it would be nice to try and do something normal that didn’t involve cancer or hospitals. Maybe helping to plan a festival would give him something to look forward to.

“My boy,” Pearl said sweetly and reached out to touch his forehead. Her hands were cold and it still felt strange when she tried to be affectionate. “I thought maybe we could look at a few things and plan for a service today. Do you think you’re up for it? I really think we should take your opinion into account with this.”

Simon swallowed painfully, his head lolling to the side so he could frown at her. “Service?” he croaked out and his voice was weak and hoarse. He’d lost track of how many days he’d been in the hospital. His days were all running together lately anyway.

Pearl smiled at him and then leaned forward to take his hand. “Simon,” she said and he never liked it when she actually used his name. “Let’s be honest here. You’re not getting any better.” Simon sucked in a breath and focused on her face. He hadn’t needed her to tell him he wasn’t getting better, but hearing someone say it out loud was still like a slap in the face. “Every day you get a little worse and I think it’s time we start being practical. There are arrangements that need to be made and it will be much easier to have all of them ready for when the time comes. Now, I have a nice plot picked out for you, but we need to decide on a stone choice. I was thinking the black marble.”

She reached for one of the catalogue’s in her lap and held it up so Simon could see. For a moment, he couldn’t breathe. For a moment, all he could do was stare at the pictures and see the crosses and the flowers and the different types of stone that made up the gravestones the catalogue was showcasing. His mother had circled the ones she liked and it reminded him of Kim circling the lipstick she wanted to order. He processed the pictures and her words in his head. She’d picked out a plot for him. She was asking what kind of gravestone he wanted.

“You’re planning my funeral?” he asked, his face white and his eyes wide as he looked at her.

If she noticed his distress, she didn’t react to it. Instead, she just smiled and gave a small shake of her head. “Honey, it’s inevitable. Don’t you want to have a say in what your final resting place is going to look like?”

He could hear her talking and he could hear her words, but there was a disconnect there. He couldn’t, or just plain refused, to process what she was saying. He glanced at the other catalogues and there was one for coffins, showcasing the different wood looks and the fabric on the inside. It looked like she had the phone numbers for churches and musicians and catering companies all written down on her notebook.

She was planning his fucking funeral.

It was like she was planning the wedding with Kim all over again and he wondered if she’d set a date and what she’d do if he was still alive when that date came around. She was acting like he was already dead and maybe most of him was. Maybe he’d lost just about everything by getting sick and maybe she was right. Maybe he should be making these decisions while he still could. Maybe he should just crawl into the coffin now. He already had his foot halfway in it, didn’t he?

Alexey chose that moment to come into the room. He had something in his hands and he had a smile on his face as he came over to the bed, but it fell off quickly when he looked at Simon. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his eyes moving from Simon to his mother. Simon didn’t answer and he didn’t have to ask how Alexey knew something was wrong because he could feel the tears in his eyes and he just felt so tired and maybe black marble was a good choice.

When Alexey spotted the catalogues in his mother’s hands, his face went slack.

“Nothing is wrong,” Pearl said, not bothering to look at Alexey, whose eyes were wide and focused on the catalogues. “We’re just doing some planning for the future, is all. I thought Simon’s opinion should be taken into consideration.”

Alexey’s face darkened and he glanced at Simon once more before he suddenly lashed out and grabbed the catalogues from his mother’s hands. She gave a startled yelp because he hadn’t been careful or gentle. He snarled as he threw the handful of his mother’s papers out into the hallway. She scoffed and stood up quickly.

“What is the matter with you?” she demanded as Alexey came back over towards her. He didn’t say anything as he grabbed her arm and she struggled to pull it out of his grip but he wasn’t letting go. Simon thought about telling his brother to stop, because she was still their mother. But he couldn’t get his mouth to work and Alexey just shoved her violently towards the door.

“Just get the fuck out of here,” he snarled.

Pearl stumbled at the doorway and she turned around, her eyes wide, like she couldn’t believe her son had just manhandled her. But who did she think she was fooling? Alexey had only ever been her son by blood, not by heart. “You can’t treat me like that. I’m trying to help and give him something to do.”

“By making him plan his own funeral?” Alexey yelled and he looked more furious than Simon had ever seen him before. “Jesus fucking Christ, he’s not dead and you’re ready to bury him already.” Alexey growled and he just shook with the rage coursing through him. “You need to leave. You need to get the fuck out of here before we have to plan your fucking funeral you fucking bitch.”

Pearl’s mouth fell open and Simon couldn’t help but smile slightly because he bet no one had ever spoken to her like that in her entire life. She pointed a finger at Alexey and shouted back, “You ungrateful little freeloader. After everything I’ve given you, this is how you respect me? It should be you laying in that hospital bed!” Then she turned and stalked out of the room.

Alexey waved his hand at the door and then whirled on Simon, who just watched him closely. His brother looked so upset and Simon didn’t know what to say so he just croaked, “You want to play a song at my funeral?”

“That’s not funny,” Alexey snapped and he sounded really mad. Simon tried to laugh, but it came out a sob and then he laid his head back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. He pictured the lid of a coffin closing down on top of him and his face crumpled. He could practically hear the dirt being shoveled down on top of him and it was dark and lonely and cold and he didn’t want to hear dirt. He didn’t want to hear the music played at his funeral or the sermon given by the priest. He didn’t want to hear the weeping or the crying.

He wanted out of this closing coffin.

“I don’t want to die,” he whispered and he felt hot tears leak out onto his cheeks. It was the first time he’d cried in a long time. He’d not done it even when he’d found out he was sick. Not when Kim had left him with just a note. Not when his fingers had turned black or his hair had fallen out or he’d lost so much weight he couldn’t recognize his own reflection.

Alexey moved closer to the bed and he felt his hand slip into his own. He turned his head to look at his brother and Alexey’s eyes were shining with his and he realized he’d never seen his brother cry, ever. Out of all the years he’d known him, it was the one thing he’d never seen his brother do. “I think I know a way to save you,” he said, his voice thick.

He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a ratty pamphlet. He laid it on the blankets and Simon looked down at the butterfly with eyes on its wings and he glanced back at his brother. Alexey was just watching him and there was a pleading look in his eyes because they’d argued over this in the car and Simon had disagreed with the plausibility of the technology and now his brother had set the pamphlet on his lap and showed him his salvation. His hand came out and closed weakly around the paper.

He didn’t want to die.