*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beholden
Review Requests: ON
1,175 Public Reviews Given
1,176 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have a review template that is only used for in depth reviews, usually those that are specifically requested. These will be as comprehensive as I can manage, including everything I have noticed in reading the piece. Most of my reviews, however, are more in the nature of reactions to the piece with brief notes on things I find particularly good and suggestions on dealing with any obvious flaws in the writing.
I'm good at...
Reviews of stuff I particularly like. If I think the writing is good and the ideas original and inventive, I will say so and become enthusiastic about it. I will point out flaws, particularly where I feel that they interfere with a positive reaction to the piece, but I will also offer suggestions for fixing such problems.
Favorite Genres
I have a broad spectrum of genres I'll review. It's easier for me to list the genres I won't touch.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, erotica, overly dark subjects without a good reason for existence.
Favorite Item Types
I'm unsure what is meant by this - I would have thought the genres sections covered this.
Least Favorite Item Types
See previous section.
I will not review...
Again, see the genres section that lists the genres I won't review.
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very effective description of the bodily processes from human to werewolf. Written a few werewolf stories myself, so it was interesting to read your very detailed account of the transformation. It's excellent, although there's some repetition of phrases towards the end that look as though they might be the remains of a later edit.

I'm thinking particularly of "Next time you will listen when someone tells you something" and "You see, we are almost done. Accept this Shawn." Both phrases occur word for word in different parts of the narrative. The repetition is sufficient to throw a reader off, wondering if he has somehow slipped back to an earlier point in the story. I would adjust the wording to say the same thing but in different ways.

Apart from that, this is a powerful piece of writing, creating a very clear picture of the changes. If it has a problem, it's that it needs to go somewhere, to be part of a much longer story. As it is, it's a great description but, in the end, can only offer some thoughts on what it must be like to be a werewolf. It needs more story, an adventure of some sort to complete the experience. Perhaps a twist in the tail (tale) to give it a reason to exist. Anything to surprise the reader and utilise the horror created.

A fine piece of work, even so.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
2023 Quill Nominee2023 Quill Finalist


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Introverts  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a finely judged, unobtrusive piece that makes no promises but delivers a warm glow in the end. It is as simple as flash fiction demands, yet has depths unsuspected. There's a wealth of experience in the two characters' recognition of their common humanity.

The writing is simple too, straightforward and unadorned, yet very personal and engrossing. At the end we're happy that things work out so well but wanting more in that we'd like to know what happens afterwards if both lives were changed. Is this a romantic story of love that results in marriage? Or a matter of developing friendship. Or even a passing moment that is remembered forever, in spite of so brief an encounter? We'll never know and that's good writing too - since it makes us think and wonder.

And this whole spell is uninterrupted by typos or errors. It's a pretty story with much to say. Uncomplicated but revealing. Well done.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
2023 Quill Nominee2023 Quill Finalist


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of The Sort  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
An interesting and thought-provoking take on a very recent and important subject. You succeed excellently in revealing the ultimately pointlessness of the task set, and the nature of the worker not being revealed until very near the end provides the story with the kick that it needs to come alive.

This is a horrifying glance into a future that now seems too close to scoff at. I'm particularly impressed by the way you scaled up the requirements as they were listed, going from apparently difficult but attainable in some cases to absurdly unlikely and inevitably the stumbling block to all applicants. It's very cleverly set up and awaiting the final reveal that makes sense of it all. If there is any sense in the task.

You have written a powerful piece in very few words (you should really give a word count, not only for the information of a prospective reader, but also for yourself - it helps in ways that will surprise you), a gem of a flash fiction piece. Well done indeed.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Small photo
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Patterns  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Interesting little story based on some complex family relationships and a cat. Although the cat is mainly there for colour. But I like very much the way you have hinted at deep, underlying passions behind the actions. Very much show and not tell.

It's also an excellent example of how much can be made of perfectly ordinary situations. When one is sensitive to unspoken tensions, whole dramas become apparent in everyday life. And the narrator picks his way through the pitfalls, even avoiding a spectacular fall at the last moment, so that the reader fully appreciates the knife edge on which he lives.

I am reminded of a repeated exchange from a movie I watched recently: How was the pie?" "All pie is good." And, it seems this story has the same philosophy in its regard for the supposedly insignificant things in life. A fine story created from very little.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Beholden
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is certainly different. And that should be enough to like it. Just the exercise of the imagination that dreamt of this scenario, is a matter for others to doff their hats. But there's more to it than that. The fact that the cause of Cavendish's woes are sprites and spirits stirs deep ancestral memories of other stories, stories originating in a time when humanity lived much closer to the edge of the unknown. This skilfully but unobtrusively introduces a darkness to the tale that adds to the horror. Very well done.

There's a pleasing Victorian atmosphere to the piece, the gruff old aristocrat discussing his plant collecting adventures and his guest, the cloistered and rather innocent cleric - it speaks of a time and place more genteel than ours. It's quite a gem of a tale as a result.

Add to that the fact that I found no errors, grammatical or technical, and I have to say this is a very well constructed piece. A most enjoyable read.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of "Don't be silly!"  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A charming little tale for children, and one for the adults with young hearts too. I particularly like the way you made it circular in that the story sets out in departure and ends in return, as well as the repetition of the opening line in the closing. Ties everything up very neatly.

Your style is very straighforward and simple, perfectly appropriate for your target audience, while not stinting on colour and place. If there is a weakness at all, it is that I would like to have been told a bit more about the talking animals, fairies, mysterious creatues, etc. Just a little description of a few so that the reader gets a taste of the reality of them, instead of being told in general terms.

But that is ignoring the fact of it being a contest entry. I know full well how a word limit can constrain one from giving full value in a story. I like the idea of magic marbles (better than those tired old beans) so, if you ever decided to expand the story, I'm sure it would be a great success.

Not a single typo or error to complain about, too. Altoigether a job very well done!


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of My Dad  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very powerful piece. I particularly like the bare, unadorned and unsentimental style, releasing facts in logical order so that the reader understands and can respond in appropriate manner, without becoming too involved and emotional. We all have sadnesses in our past and it's having survived them that really matters.

Your story is one of adversity overcome and the attainment of some peace in the end. The reader is inevitably impressed with the hardships of your early life, yet you do not parade them as a badge of suffering but state things as you understand them from the distance of your mature self. The result is a fine piece of writing, achieving its intent with few words and absolute accuracy of expression.

The balance you have reached between acceptance of the past and embracing your present is well deserved. I'm sure that all readers will wish with you for that one, final, and gifted meeting between your father and you.

As I said, this is a powerful piece.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review of The Living Fourth: Chapters 1 and 2

Initial Impression:

Very interesting. Shades of Victor of Aveyron, a mythic and legendary feel to the whole thing. Very compelling in these two chapters, raising a million questions.

Title:

I must presume that there is meaning in the title but I cannot discern it after reading two chapters. Not sure that this is a good tactic. It has the attraction of mystery, yes, but will it draw the readers that you want to take a closer look? It's a difficult choice and one only you can make.

Content:

You have avoided the usual fantasy author's pitfall of indulging in a description and explanation of the world you've invented before commencing the story. The way you're doing it is correct - to throw the reader straight into the story and allow details of the world to come out as you go, with the reader supplying enough to fill any gaps left. Much more effective than a big info dump.

The style is very straightforward and simple, contributing to a feeling of myth that prevails in the story. I admit that, when I saw the length of the chapters, I was a little daunted and had a mental whine about the lack of a word count. Having read them, I have to say that they flow so easily and smoothly that one is finished almost too soon. Your style is such that the length of passages counts for nothing - the reader is impelled onward by the need to know more.

I made a few notes as I was reading and I'll copy them in here for your information:

Opening is very compelling - interesting conversation between Yearlit and the boy.

Reminiscent of the wild boy stories (Victor of Aveyron).

Has a flavour of myth and legend too.

Interesting first chapter. No idea where it's going but the few facts assembled so far are intriguing.

"Scam" seems a word too modern for the tale.

"Gaurd that satchel well lad..." should be "Guard" of course.


That last point is very relevant - it's the only typo or mistake that I found in the text. That's important in impressing any potential publisher with your editing skills. Keep producing stuff of this quality and you should attain success.

Style:

Delightfully simple and unaffected. It establishes a mythic atmosphere immediately and retains it all the way through. The only worry I have in this connection is that it may prove difficult to sustain, both for you and the reader. I can imagine it becoming tedious after a while, particularly with anything the length of a book. So it's a great start but you need to think about how to continue.

This is exactly what happened to Tolkien when he write The Hobbit. He began in simple mode since he was writing for children. But, as time went on, this slipped away and his writing became more and more sophisticated. There are two possibilities: either he forgot who he was writing for in the excitement of writing his fantasy at last, or the gradual change is deliberate and reflects the increase in Bilbo's knowledge and experience as his adventure continued. I prefer to think that it's the second suggestion.

Anyway, I would suggest that you allow this to influence the way you continue the book. As the reader goes along, he's learning more about the world in which Damanul lives, so it makes sense that his understanding should grow to include the nuances, the greys as well as the black and whites of a straightforward style. It's just a suggestion, however.

Flow/Pace:

Very good. Pace is ideal, expecially after the sudden plunge into the story at the beginning. It's quick without becoming too hard to keep up with and allowing time for description and explanation.

The flow is good too, with everything following a natural order and no sudden hiccups or gaps.

Suggestions:

I have no more than the one concerning the development of style. That might come about through practice anyway. But I love the book so far and wouldn't dare to suggest anything that might spoil it. You seem to have good instincts. I would suggest you stick with them.

Overall Impression:

A fascinating introduction. I can't imagine readers having the desire to stop reading. The story has immense potential and you have the skills to make it great. Keep writing - that's my advice.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Lesson  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Haha, very clever. This is a neat little tale, nicely constructed, bare of unnecessary ornament, and containing a lesson for us all. And the justification of Sam's action is a masterpiece of convoluted and dubious thinking.

It actually makes for a very good example of flash fiction, being devoid of irrelevant detail, focused very cleanly upon the goal, and delivering its punch without fanfare but with maximum effect. The fact that it is composed almost entirely of dialogue is another pointer toward a highly effective piece of writing. If pure dialogue suits any kind of writing, it is surely flash fiction.

Highly enjoyable little tale. Well done.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Staremaster  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A tidy, innocent little tale with a nice jolt of ironic observation at the end to give it spice. Your first sentence is perhaps a tad long and might be better split into two. Not that I'm against long sentences, being quite fond of them in fact, but this one takes us on one too many little trips, I think. It's a minor matter that does little to damage the impact of the story.

More intrusive is your devotion to the word "noticing." It's a little too noticeable. Once is fine, more becomes repetitive, especially as there are plenty of synonyms available to introduce a little variety. Again, a minor matter but one you might wish to attend to.

Other than that, the only slight doubt I have is the matter of the fitness guy being spun around the cable twice. Did he really have enough momentum from jogging to make two revolutions? Seems a bit of a stretch - I'd limit him to one.

There are all a bit picky points, however, and probably wouldn't be noticed by most readers. The story itself is a good one, especially in that it's readily believable, set in a time and place we all understand, and satisfying to our natural enjoyment of pride encountering its natural nemesis. A most enjoyable read and pass the donuts, please.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, it's a delightful little tale with a sound and meaningful message. Considering its brevity, it packs quite a punch! It does, however, need just a little more editing polish to be superb.

There are two matters that need attention, one quite minor, the other a matter of grammar. One is that, in the sentence, "She...was enveloped in a fragrance so charming" you would do better to tell us why it was so charming. It's an opinion, you see, and mine might be very different from yours. So you have to convince me - and smells are best described by likening them to something else. It might be better, for instance, to say "a fragrance like warm cinnamon on a sunny afternoon." Conveys so much more than the word "charming."

Later you offer this statement: "Oh I know what I want!" exclaimed the girl, peace, happiness and love for everyone... (the ellipsis is not really appropriate here but I'll not carp about this one because everyone's entitled to an occasional ellipsis) this should be a separate paragraph because it's now the girl's turn to speak, and you've omitted quotation marks around the second part of her statement. It should be "peace, happiness and love for everyone."

Apart from those two minor quibbles, it's really a lovely little story and I like it very much. It delivers so much food for thought after pretending to be so ordinary. Well done!


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Review of Fast Freight by J.R. Jimkins

Initial Impression:

This is a tale that stirs nostalgia for a former age, a time when hobos rode the rails and life was hard but simple. It achieves its object very well, being atmospheric and filled with an understanding of what it means to live on the edge of society. The main character is very well drawn and the reader becomes involved in the tale quite quickly, eager to see Billy achieving some form of good luck at least.

Title:

The title is ideal since it echoes the central theme of the story and has enough untold mystery to draw the reader in.

Content:

It's a sound tale, predictable at times, at others producing unexpected surprises (I fully supposed that Billy would have a heart attack by the end but it never came). That's a good balance to achieve, delivering some of what we expect so that the tone is established, but retaining some twists that keep the reader on his toes.

Wrapped up in the final scene of Billy returning to his old life on the rails, there is a reflection and a question of deeper meaning. Is success and fame something that, on occasion, is not as kind as the life we knew in obscurity? Billy seems to have discovered that there was a freedom in his old life that was lost in his days of popularity. Which challenges our own attitude to what is important in our lives.

Then there's the matter of Hardy Evers. I confess to being seriously tempted to steal the name, change it slightly to Hardly Ever, and use it for a character in one of my own stories. It's a wonderful name and one that deserves the character you draw for it. But who is this mysterious man who knows so much of Billy's life? The obvious answer, given the setting and the usual run of such stories, is that he's the devil. But no, it turns out that he's something else entirely and genuinely interested in Billy's welfare. It's a fine point and one you do well to hold so closely to your chest.

Personally, I'd guess at angel, but that's just me. Others will have different answers, all of which will bind them in tighter to the tale and make it that much more memorable. A clever ploy, to provide just enough info to tantalise the curiosity but allowing the reader to supply any answer and so own a part of the story.

Style:

Your style is simple, straightforward and unconcerned with flowery descriptions that would be out of place in so gritty a story. There are two minor points that I need to make, one a matter of grammar, the other of word repetition.

"...“Fast Freight.” ;a haunting, ominous song" - After "fast freight," you have a period, closing quotes, a space and then a semicolon. It should be comma, close quotes, and space.

"Whether the songs were quiet or rowdy, people loved drinking to them. Pub owners love people drinking to tunes they love, and they love the musicians playing them." - The constant repetition of the word "love" becomes irritating. You may have meant to point at the similarity between the feelings of differently involved characters, but it's not effective in that. I would change some of the instances of the word to a synonym or two, if I were you. The point will still get across.

Flow/Pace:

No problems here - your style has a natural flow and you establish a gentle pace right from the start that is ideal for the subject. It's not fast and exciting but the tale extends over many years. Easy and even-tempered is the right pace in this instance.

Suggestions:

Well, I made the one about repetition - I think that needs attention. And, obviously, the typoed semicolon needs deletion as well. Otherwise, I wouldn't change a thing.

Overall Impression:

A most enjoyable tale that entertains but also contains considerable food for thought./size}

Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Peace  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this. It's very well thought out and meticulously constructed so that the reader learns just what he needs to as the tale unfolds. The result is that curiosity draws the reader on relentlessly to the end and we can appreciate the full extent of the prince's plan.

Where the story is particularly successful is in the setting and atmosphere - this is quite believable with the the language and customs being such that they fit and nothing strikes us as not belonging to the imagined place and time. It's a carefully built world that is quite exceptionally effective, given the brief nature of a short story. That's how the story is billed but it could also form the basis for a continuing and fascinating longer work.

I found no errors or typos and the presentation is such that the whole piece is professionally presented and delivered. It really is a most enjoyable experience. Sound work indeed.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of No Closure  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was pleasantly surprised by this. After reading a few of the early pieces posted in your portfolio, I made the mistake of thinking it would be a while before your writing and editing improved a great deal. But this is a huge improvement. For a start, it's free of grammatical and typing errors, which immediately makes it easier for the reader.

And then it's taken a step back from the actual events recounted, allowing the reader space and time to deal with the emotions and thoughts invoked. From being a cry of pain and anger, you have evolved with amazing speed to being able to open events quietly before the reader and so communicate more than just the experience. Now you're communicating in much greater depth and understanding. I'm really impressed.

This piece allows the reader to walk alongside the little girl and hear her thoughts as she makes sense of the great void that has opened in her life. It's done with great subtlety and care. The formatting is a bit odd, with paragraphs being separated sometimes by gaps and at other times by an indentation from the right margin. Best to stick with one system, I think (either indentation or a gap). But otherwise, this is quite excellent. Well done.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Out of Time  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Shades of Chernobyl. They made a movie about Chernobyl, a terrible thing that demonstrated just how awful it was. But the most interesting thing is that, not only did the wildlife survive and flourish in the evacuated area around the plant, people have been moving back there for years without any bad effects being apparent. Not that I'm saying that the situation as outlined in your story is impossible, but I dare say we have been wrong about how bad the long term effects of such accidents will be.

Which is not reviewing your story, I know - just a thought. And the story does indeed induce a feeling of horror as the invisible, creeping death of radiation looms over and begins to engulf the poor, trapped technicians in the plant. It's a story for the modern age, with a monster all too real and a part of our experience and imagination for seventy years now. Congratulations on having the idea of combining the tale (heroic as well as horrific) of the trapped technicians into so scary a story. The fact that it is well written and without error adds to its powerful effect, of course.

A strong story of what could happen in reality and all the more frightening as a result.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of Acceptance  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
My immediate thought on reading this was how refreshing it is to read something so disciplined in style and form, so redolent of times long past. This, of course, is explained by the note at the end and it underlines what we miss in our modern use-once-and-throw-away world. The poem is a jewel of poetry writing, a demonstration of how it was once done (and how it could be done again today).

Apart from the delightfully measured and careful construction of the poem, the feelings and morality expressed within it is timely in the modern world. There are things that are timeless and forever that need to be celebrated in this way. If this poem encourages us to write in a similarly disciplined and precise manner, it will do us no harm and might, indeed, lead us on to better pastures as well.

Thank you for putting this up. It is a wonderful breath of fresh air from long ago.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Coffee Shop  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
I am unsure as to the purpose of this piece. It's descriptive of a mind in turmoil as something needs to be grasped to (presumably) solve some form of problem that has arisen, but we're not told enough to understand and sympathise or anything else. This leaves the reader swimming in an ocean of words but without a direction to choose. They are very emotive words and stir deep feelings but, without something to hang those feelings upon, it's a bit pointless. The fact that the protagonist is interrupted in her thoughts before she can make any sense of it all merely serves to confirm the lack of direction in the piece.

You need to take the piece somewhere. At the moment, we are told only that a woman is sitting in a coffee bar, rapt in her thoughts and trying to grasp something she knew once but has since slipped away from her awareness. She's interrupted in this and surfaces without anything being solved or decided. I think you have to decide what to do with the situation - in some fashion (and I expected it to be through the agency of the new arrival) the thinker needs a solution of some sort for the piece to have import. She must either stumble upon what she is looking for or realise that it's hopeless and drop the matter for other things.

Either way, it would give the piece a reason to exist. Otherwise it's a beginning to a much larger story in which her problems are identified and resolved somehow. And beginnings are not stories - they need endings to achieve that. It's clear that you can write - but to keep the reader, you must finish what you started.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this story. And that comes from someone who sighs and turns away from prompts that call for reasons to cancel Christmas. At last, a good reason! I sympathise entirely with Santa in this case.

The story is particularly effective because the punchline is kept for the very end. This always makes for the best short stories - it's their raisin d'être, after all. The mistimed punchline is the death of all short stories. And this one revels in it, drawing the reason out of Santa in carefully chosen stages so that the reader is avid for the answer by the end. It's expertly done.

Add to that the fact that it's well written, without error, and perfectly paced, and I'm left with nothing to quibble about at all. Well done, indeed!


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ah yes, the horror of the ordinary and every day. There is quite a creepy feeling to this little tale that centres on the relationship between siblings. There is cruelty between some siblings that would not be possible between strangers and this story focuses on that. It's a dark area and shifts the tale into the horror genre - just.

If there's a weakness to it, it lies in the internet aspect. I can believe that a pair of michievous brothers would get up to such a trick, but to put the result on the internet may be going a bit too far. That would speak of a serious problem in the relationship between the brothers and their sister.

Or maybe I'm a bit more squeamish than most. And horror is supposed to be weird, isn't it? As I said, it's an interesting little tale.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Interesting take on the future! Very different but very possible at the same time. I like the technique of conveying most of the info through dialogue - you're good at that.

The one aspect I have some doubt on was that I ended without really having developed a liking for any of the characters. Even the central character struck me as being rather sleazy and unpleasant - I dare say Ocean Princess had a lucky escape from his tender ministrations in the end. Maybe this was intentional - after all, there's no reason why we should like anyone in the future. But it might not be a good plan from the writing point of view.

However, it remains an effective and thought-provoking tale, full of extrapolations into a rather dismal-seeming near future. Very imaginative and well constructed.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
If Sylvester is the cat in the photo, then I understand why he is so smart. It's tuxedo cats - we have a female tuxedo and she's the smartest cat I've ever known.

You poem is short, simple and sweet. States its premise, then backs it up with a few examples and ends with a statement from the cat. What more could a reader ask? Of course, some might expect a longer poem, or more structure, but, if the poem succeeds in getting its message across, then everything else is detail. And detail doesn't always make things clearer - sometimes it serves only to confuse.

In my experience, cat poems are best when kept short and straightforward. It's how they are, after all.


image for pet Day raid


Image #1778387 over display limit. -?-
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Patching Up Pets  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Interesting little tale with a most unexpected turn of events towards the end. I haven't heard (or read) the expression "toodle pip" in many a long year, so that was a highlight for me. And as for "checking tree-mail," I absolutely love it! Clearly, I'm a sucker for a well-turned phrase.

The story itself is a classic of Sonali's gentle touch and confidential style - so easy in flow, wide-eyed in appreciation of the smallest details. Like "toodle pip," it's somewhat old fashioned but that makes it an old friend too and easy to love.

If I were forced at gunpoint to make a suggestion for improvement, I'd say that the dog names could do with a little more imagination - to add to their characters. But it would be so minor a change 0 hardly worth doing at all.


A most enjoyable read.

image for pet Day raid


Image #1778387 over display limit. -?-
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of A Day at the Zoo  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This one depends very much on what you were trying to achieve. As an amusing little story, it's excellent but doesn't need the final paragraph. The explanation and tying up of loose strings merely serves to soften the impact of the story's point. But, if you intended to write a piece demonstrating an eternal truth, then it's fine. Anyone who has raised a few kids knows how true is the point made.

It's flash fiction so I must presume that the twist in the tail is the main object of the story. And then we don't need to know what happened afterwards or have the moral explained to us. The fact that Albert laughed is sufficient to know that everything turned out fine in the end.

Apart from that fairly minor quibble, the writing is strong, clear and direct. I found no mistakes and there were no problems with flow or pacing. It's a pleasant sliver from daily life that makes an enjoyable story. Well done.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of The Gun  
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is an amusing little tale that delivers its twist in the tail with considerable aplomb. It has one weakness that unfortunately detracts from the impact of the denouement, and that is that it concentrates too much on the "borrowing" of the shotgun. One mention would have been enough and the constant return to it makes it too obviously the spot where the twist is going to happen.

What is needed is some lulling in the middle of the tale. Instead of mentioning the shotgun again and again, allow the reader's thoughts to drift to other things - give the boys something to do beyond driving to town, describe their visit to an unnamed shop, maybe have an incident or two to deflect attention. And then hit them with the discovery of the purpose of the whole thing.

The story is not ruined by the concentration on the shotgun, but it could be stronger if dealt with as suggested. The unexpected hit is always more effective than the telegraphed one. The elements of good flash fiction are present but just need a little polishing, that's all. It's an enjoyable story even so.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by Beholden
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a great little tale. It has atmosphere, wonderful characters and a little surprise at the end, all done in only 300 words. It's a lesson in how to establish setting and character without going into long descriptions.

The first sentence throws us immediately into the depression years, when hoboes ran the rails in boxcars, dodging railway officials. That's a wealth of setting and atmosphere achieved in just a sentence. Then there's the two boys, obviously ragged, one barefoot and both boundlessly optimistic, all topped off with their info-laden names. It's subtly and cleverly done. And the final surprise is sprung, not with an Ahah, but a gentle reveal that brings a smile to the reader's face (I'm not saying that my name being based in the same book doesn't add to the effect *Wink*). It's a truly wonderful little story.

There are a couple of tiny errors that I noticed. "He had a sturdy looking leather boots..." needs no "a". And “You’re name's Huck Finn?” - "You're" should be "Your."

But these are microscopic flaws and do nothing to mar the quality of the piece. It's a most enjoyable read and a refreshing boost to my day. Thank you.


Bulbul signature which links back to the group page
Image #2202470 over display limit. -?-
Beholden
Nominated for Quills Best Reviewer, 2023
Image #2291664 over display limit. -?- Image #2291665 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
600 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 24 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beholden