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6 Public Reviews Given
6 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Plumber Geek  
Review by caussara
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this, Langhinrichs.
You pulled it off very well, if it had been printed in a newspaper or magazine, I would have saved it to show my husband. It made me laugh with delight. The imagery was great, I could see, both you and him and the rhythm was decidedly Poes. I have to assume that some experience inspired this because inspired it was. Great work!!
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Review of Summer's Dare  
Review by caussara
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Reyna,
I enjoyed reading your Haiku, the syllables were right on and you got that season mention in there. I liked the image of the breeze whispering heat upon your skin. and the word risk, seems to work well as the exclamation point of the poem. Thank you for posting it and good luck with the contest
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Review by caussara
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Greetings Ramniscian,
You have a good beginning to your novel here and I enjoyed reading it. I hope you continued with it. This scene is short and does not let us in on too much, just enough to get us wondering.

What I see: A king at the end of his rope, sacrificing himself to save his people and his family, ending a long drawn out war that he felt he had no hopes of winning any other way. I am thinking that it has something to do with the pendant and that, that is not the last we will see of it. You have introduced the boy Shad and I am sure this is not the last we have seen of him.

I do have a couple suggestions and comments, I hope you don't mind. Please remember these are comments and suggestions only and use what you can and throw the rest out.

You have him chuckling quietly to keep from waking up his family, yet the soldier comes in and talks....should you maybe have the King gesture them outside to have the conversation? Also I would change the word room there to tent.

I am also wondering, wouldn't the king's family have know who was second in charge. It seemed strange to me that the general would have to introduce himself to the king's family.

One last overall comment and suggestion. I feel like this could be stronger if you tightened up the language a little. I have this same problem and have been called on it more than once, I tend to put every gesture onto the paper, but the reader doesn't need to be told every nuance to figure it out.

Here is a quick example: {Five-year old Shad Brosen awoke to oncoming sound of cheering and whistling close by. He sat up, using his hands to wipe and clear his eyes. He also heard sobbing and turned his head toward the table in the center of the tent. The source of the sound was his mother, weeping while reading what seemed like a long letter.}

And an example of what I mean about tightening: Five-year old Shad Brosen awoke to the sounds of cheering and whistling. As he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, he realized he also heard the sound of sobbing. In the center of the tent, he saw his mother standing at the table. A letter in her hand, she wept.

Please know these are examples and suggestions only, going through and eliminating unnecessary word and replacing phrases that use helpers with stronger verbs helps move the story along and keeps the reader from getting bogged down or thrown out of the story.

Thank you for posting this, it shows intrigue and potential. I hope to read more!! Keep writing.
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