This is a very good story. I've always been partial to animals over people as well, so I know where you're coming from.
The only suggestion I would offer is to try to bring more imagery into the story. It's being "told" rather than "shown" and would benefit from some color.
I really enjoyed your story. Thank you for sharing.
I saw your request for honest reviews on the request review page. I have listed my suggestions below:
I did her a service. You used a line almost the same to this at the beginning of the same paragraph, so this one is not needed. And, the line before it, But in doing so I set her free,has more of an impact without it.
Wearily, my heart goes one Change one to on.
“ Did you really believe I would let you escape with such a light sentence? Backspace "did" to meet the quotes.
It's fine to keep "his" words in italics, but you should end the italics when you narrate. Then, begin the italics again when he speaks. It will look and flow better. Also, double space between each paragraph and between dialog.
Lastly, the story focuses too much on I and My. Bring in some imagery to spread the mix.
What a beautifully written account of Ken's last hours of life.
I have a feeling he knew when he awoke, that day would be his last, and he accpted it, knowing that he would be "whole" again very soon. I have a feeling he was there for you, as much as you were for him; maybe his blink was to let you know that You had nothing to fear?
You've done a fine job telling this story. I thank you for sharing.
You have a great collection of short stories that appeal to all ages. Titles like "When Momma Said Grace", "Ghost Train", "Death on the Horizon", "The Knight in Tarnished Armor," are very intriguing and peak the curiosity.
You're right, leaving the old stories "as is" is a good way to see how your writing has changed, matured, and improved over time.
Great job! Thank you for sharing these strores with us.
Although this is a poem from the heart, the words "my love" are very repetive and take away the flow of the piece. If you remove 98% of the "my love's" this poem will stand on its own and be deserving of a much higher rating.
Your contest is one of the coolest on w.com. I mean that sincerely, as I am one of your previous winners! And what was the prize? A horror merit badge! Yeah!
Not only can anyone win, but they have so much FUN while playing.
I remember many a red-eyed night, staying up late to see what question might be asked next. And, when one came up that I knew, I'd yell aloud and quickly hit reply to the question!!
What a great, fun way to spend a night, even a date night; you can play while you neck :-0
I read this twice to capture the full meaning of your words. It is my understanding the doctor's injection is ending the man's life. Wouldn't it be more believable, what with a doctor's oath and all, that she would turn off the machine that kept him alive, rather than kill him with needle?
We fell back onto the blanket laughing, and he planted a sensual kiss on my mouth. I broke the kiss, looking around nervously for Slyvia.
Suggestion:
The picnic was a success. I finally got to use the picnic basket I'd picked up in early summer, and I loaded it up with typical picnic fare: fried chicken, potato salad, fresh fruit, and peanut butter and jelly for Slyvia. If you put a period after summer this would be an easier read.
This is another well told story. Your imagery is vivid, your choice of words right on.
suggestion:
His wife was a zombie. “I came back, love.” She constructed a smile. “I made it so you and I can be together, forever.”His wife's decayed mouth curled into a smile. "I came back my love; now we can be together forever."
Hi
I saw your story on the request review page. You are off to a good start with this story. It could benefit from some of the suggestions I've listed below.
Some quick suggestions:
Double space between paragraphs and dialog; it makes reading easier.
Use spell-check. It doesn't work for everthing but you have words here that it would work for.
Proof-read your work before posting it, and make edits according to the proof-read/spell check.
If using a word like mom or dad, Cap it when used as a name; ie: "Mom, I lost my shoe." Mom is being used as a name, so it's capped.
If you use it this way: "I told my mom I lost my shoe" then it's not capped because you're simply referring to the person.
Try not to use "he said" or "she said" so often. It get's boring. MIx it up and with practice you'll get the hang of it
If you put these suggestions to use your ratings will go way up.
What a gripping tale of drug abuse as told by the mother. My heart goes out to you. Your story has a happy ending, though. It could have been so much worse; he might still be using rather than getting the professional help he needs.
You poured your heart and soul into this story so that you could share it with others, and hopefully help other moms out there who are pulling there hair out right now.
Though this is a good story, I'm not "feeling it." It's being told to the reader rather than shown to them. I know the little boy wants to be adopted, but again, I'm not feeling his need. I'm just reading the words.
This is a beautiful, well written poem. Your stanzas all flow nicely, each one containing four lines. Your grammar looks perfect as well. Thank you for sharing this lovely, heartfelt poem with us, especially during this holiday season.
CC Shea
I had to read this poem twice to get the feel of where you were coming from. The 2nd time was the charm! Now I GET it! I will say this, from what you've written here, I think you should turn this into a short story. I would read it! I hope you found this review helpful.
I found your story on the review request page. It's a cute story about a child who befriends a ladybug.
Some suggestions:
Your opening sentence:
I was walking home from school.
could use a little boost as it should grab the reader from the start and hold their attention througout the story.
But with fine fanlike branches, and their needles were soft and spongy.
But with fine fanlike branches and needles that were soft and spongy.
As I passed one of those trees, and stop to feel the leaves, a small bug I see.
As I was passing by one of those trees I stopped to feel the leaves. And that's when I spied her, the ladybug.
This first sentence of a new paragraph: Crawling on one of those green soft spongy fans.
should be incorporated into the last line of the previous paragraph: But mostly they were the same, or so they seemed until I saw her crawling on one of those soft spongy fans.
The last sentence of you 2nd to last paragraph you say:
I stayed for a while watching her, not wanting to take my eyes off her lest I lose her among her friends.
And the first sentence of you last paragraph states:
On my way home I continued to think about her, what would happen to her, would she be all right, would she remember me?
You may want to ease into your last paragraph. Seeing as you did not want to leave you could say something along the lines of: I had no choice but to leave as it was getting late and I was expected at home.
These are just my opinions and may not be the opinions of others.
Thank you for sharing this story with us. I hope you found this review helpful.
I found your poem on the review request page. At first glance it appears to be a poem. But while reading, it seems better suited as an essay. That said, you may one to revise this so that it IS an essay. I say that also because your stanzas are not in sync, they go from 4 to 5 and then back to 4, 4, and 2,2,2. Those 2's are written as sentences. So again, I feel this would be a much better read as an essay.
I hope you found this review helpful.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
While poetry is not my forte I do enjoy reading it. And I enjoyed reading your poem as well. I have one suggestion for you: you may want to change alight to light. But that's just my opinion. I don't like to mess with a poet's grammar because in poetry grammar is a very personal issue.I hope you found this review helpful.
CC Shea
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