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1
1
Review by ChrystalV
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this! Your poetry style is a lot like mine so that is maybe narcissistic of me but I enjoy poems which rhyme. Here are a couple of thoughts about word placement or choice:


The golden staircase standing proud
outlined by a strident crowd.
To the noble brainchild have they vowed
that all their hopes and dreams be thrust
upon this system nought can rust.
But he (I would add "is" or make it "he's) drawn closer by his lust
for something more than plants and soil
sees the ladder’s gifts for which we toil
are but reflections in its rungs of oil.

Youthful minds are lost at sea
on quests to find the fruitful tree
and abundance, and eternal glee.
But violent waves now tip the boat
and ideas prove too dense to float.
And Davy Jones soon shall gloat:
Another dream for me to find,
discarded by a youthful mind,
left empty, tired, burst and blind.

But those whose boats are too steady to tip (this one is off somehow, too long I think)
do continue on their gracious trip.
To find the ladder and to firmly grip
the lower rungs and mightily haul
themselves towards old ( I would take out old, it trips the rhythm up) Odin’s Hall.
But soon they tire, and slow, and fall.
Still others fight on to reach the summit,
while aristocrats nod and weaklings plummet. (No third for this rhyme?)

At the zenith only two remain,
and both of them now gasp with pain
as they lie there looking limp and lame.
They’re the victors! Let the bells ring out!
But alas! For they’ve proven now (I'd take out "now") beyond all doubt
what it is the golden staircase truly is about:
Not industry or work or strife;
Not climbing to a better life,
But the status-quo,
failure, woe.
And the sharpening of the knife.

I love what you did at the end, splitting the rhyme that way is something I like to employ at the end of mine also. Overall, brilliant job, I love it, and it deserves the five star rating in my opinion. Keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by ChrystalV
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love the Old West theme of this poem. Because it is nicely lengthy, I've pasted your poem below with my punctuation and content suggestions:

The outlaw Jimmy Thatcher, stationed tall upon his horse, (comma)
strode into Silverado with both eyes upon his course.
The townsfolk ran inside their homes for fear of being shot.
The dust from Jimmy's horse kicked up; (semicolon) his ragged fur was hot.

Then Sheriff Driscol, (delete "being") alerted by the (delete county) jailer,
took foot outside to see J.T., (comma) along with Ned the Tailor.
" I sure hope you won't be here long, (comma)" Bob Driscol meekly said.
Old J.T. just ignored him (delete comma) as he twisted up his head.

(Delete "Then") J.T. stopped across the street to visit Meskers Gin Room; (semi-colon)
his horse was cinched up to the post. (Period) J.T. spurred in like day doom. (awkward wording, consider alternatives but keep doom)
At 2 PM the barman said "I'm sorry friend we're closed. (period)"
"Well now you're open, (comma inside parentheses)"J.T. said, and (added "said, and") stuck a barrel up his nose.

The Barman squeaked (added "squeaked") "on the house" while pouring (delete "drink") with a (added "a") quiver.
"That's better, (comma)" J.T. muttered as he hardened up his liver. (LOVE, great line)
"Where's Sally Jane the bar maid? You'd better fetch her fast!"
"If I don't see her flesh down here, this day will be your last" (both great lines, no suggestions for punctuation or flow/content)

(Delete "So") (Consider a name here, like Sinful Sally, or Sassy Sally) Sally sauntered in the room, hair tousled on Jim's shoulder.
"How you been doin' (apostrophe), (comma) bad boy? Been a year now; (semi-colon)you look older."
Without response Jim pulled her close and spoke,"go draw my bath." (this doesn't work; he does respond when he says go draw my bath, but your opener says "without response;" consider revising this)
I needn't tell what happened next, I'm sure you know the math!

Jim didn't sleep a wink that night with a (added "a") bounty for his person. (period)
With boots still on, (comma) he rose that morn (added "that morn) (deleted "with quite a back ache") and (added "and") started cursin' (apostrophe)!
He walked outside the Mesker keep, his head felt pretty woozy.
Twelve ounces seven hours ago, and a nestle with his floozy. (Hilarious!)

Just then a gravel voice called out "I'm gonna take you in."
A bounty hunter eager to arrest the outlaw Jim.
"(deleted extra space) Why did you choose a Sunday, to try and call me out?"
"You know you'll end here in a box; (semi-colon) of that there is no doubt."

The sun (deleted capital S) was hot at 9 AM; (semi-colon) the men were staring crazy.
Two hands upon two holsters, but which one would be lazy?
The Bounty Hunter (either both capital B and H or lower case both) went for broke and quickly pulled the lever.
He (erased "but" added "he") missed J.T. who blasted back with (add a word here for flow, like perfect or certain) aim, alert and clever.

That Sheriff (erased comma) Driscol stood and watched as old Jim fired his round.
The Bounty Hunter (capitals) bleeding hard, his head upon the ground.
Old J.T then walked over to his foe and shut his eyes.
The rumor is, each man to face down Jim, most surely dies. (consider making these last two a bit longer, for flow, so that they more closely follow the rhythm of the previous two lines)

All of my suggestions are in parentheses; I hope this helps! Your poem is excellent, and it was a joy to read.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by ChrystalV
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love this story! It is reminiscent of "The Old Man and the Sea" in some ways, which is a classic tale about an old fisherman, as well. There are some serious errors with your story at the very beginning in terms of spelling and a few awkward, choppy sentences. For example, "He turned the know on the old stove" should read "He turned the knob on the old stove." Consider another word for old in your story also; you use the word old several times, including in your title. There are a couple more places (here should be her when referring to his deceased wife, etc.). Overall, however, this story really picks up and I love the interaction between the old man and the boy who tried to steal his rig. And the ending is lovely and poignant. Very nicely done!
4
4
Review by ChrystalV
Rated: E | (4.0)
So beautiful! I love the recurring "breath in between" phrase. The only suggestion I would make is look at the wording in stanza two because you have the word "me" three times. I can't see how that can be changed necessarily, but you as the author may see a way to, if desired. Very lovely read!
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